Things I Learn While Living

Learn What This Means

2011-10-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

"It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,' for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
Matthew 9:12-13

Jesus throws down. But He doesn't spoon feed it. He tells His audience to go learn something...like all good teachers do. What's more, He is talking to Pharisees here... Pharisees who are also known as 'Teachers of the Law'...who would probably be offended that someone just instructed them to go learn something... and who were upset that it's the same guy who's eating with tax collectors and sinners. The Pharisees see themselves as more 'righteous' than Him by cultural standards, so why do they need to be corrected? Sure, we can judge them from our current perspective...but what if we were there and were caught up in the wrong thing, too?

Check it out - Jesus (God) goes over to Matthew's house because He just called Matthew (a tax collector) to become a disciple. Matthew hasn't changed his friend group to all Christians yet (like good Christians do) so there are a lot of dirty, rotten scoundrels who show up to party. Jesus (God) eats with them, talks with them, hangs out with them for a while...then the Pharisees notice, and they are offended. Why are they offended? Because they don't know JESUS (who shows compassion) as God, they only know RIGHTEOUSNESS (based on sacrifices) as God...and this all just isn't matching up.

Jesus, point blank, calls them out.
Imagine Him saying this: "Look, you've been sacrificing and isolating and staying clean your whole lives, and, sadly, because of that you've missed the point. God has ceased being a person in your mind and has become a set of standards you must measure up to. But I'm telling you that God is a doctor who naturally goes to the sick...He is a person of compassion, who looks for His followers to be compassionate, too... And if you want to stay on your high horse and worship righteousness, that's fine, but what a shame...you may never feel the Father's heart."

I read that passage and that's what I imagine. Rarely do I imagine that I'm the pharisee He's talking to, though. I mean, I KNOW I'm a sinner, right? And I know a lot of times I'm the sick person who needs a doctor... I'm the adulteress sitting at the same table as Him.
But this morning I read it, and I asked myself, "Am I the one who shows the compassion that God desires?" I mean, there's a difference between staying the sick one who gets compassion and becoming the disciple who shows compassion. And maybe that's really Jesus' point... Cause, sure, we're all sinners so of course we are relieved to read this passage and know He has come for us... But Jesus says to "go and learn what this means: I desire compassion..."...He desires compassion. He desires that I have compassion. He desires that I show compassion. to others.

Lately, I've been praying for God to remind me of who I used to be... I don't think it is a coincidence I read this today. I feel like I've been caught up in the wrong thing recently. I feel like I have lost some of the compassion I once felt. I feel like I need to go re-learn the meaning of what Jesus said...

Is this not the fast which I choose,
To loosen the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the bands of the yoke,
And to let the oppressed go free
And break every chain?
Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry
And to bring the homeless poor into the house;
When you see the naked, to cover him;
And not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
...
And if you give yourself to the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then your light will rise in darkness
And your gloom will become like midday.

Isaiah 58:6-7,10

Eleven or Twelve

2011-04-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just watched a kid? I don't mean a two or three year-old--I mean an eleven, twelve year-old junior higher. Have you ever just watched one be himself? I'm at E. Cypress Starbucks on the patio, and there's this family (at least I think it's a family) of three sitting in the opposite corner from me. A woman, a man, an eleven or twelve year-old boy. The boy has sandy blonde, wavy hair, and he's telling the adults a story right now. Hand motions and sound affects and giggles at his own jokes--this kid is alive with animation, and we're all the better for it. I can see his parents looking at him like he's both a mystery and someone they can understand far better than anyone else. I can see that they delight in his tales, not concerned at all with the time or the sun hitting them smack dab in the eyes. I watch all of this, and I think about how important it is to delight in a kid like this.

When I have a kid, I want to be that interested in my child. I want to be enamored by his facial expressions and impressed by the social skills he's picking up somewhere, somehow...
I want to remember those simple things about him when I walk past his messy room or ground him for saying a certain four-letter word he learned (somewhere, somehow). And I want to take him out to coffee--as a family. I want to hear his stories and jump into what's important to him.
I think maybe when I go to coffee with God, this is what He desires, too. Do I tell God stories like that? I am His kid--a little older than eleven or twelve, but to Him, about the same maturity level. Do I let my self relax and let the expressions of it come through to connect with my Dad? If I did, I'd probably have a much more content spirit.

Because what I'm watching right now is a kid with a content spirit. I can just tell by the way he sits comfortably with these two adults, who may or may not be his parents.

A habit I had (have)

2011-04-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

My mom used to (and still does) tell me not to pick at my face. I tried to (and still try to) listen, but I have this habit... and this habit is hard to get rid of. Sorry for the un-lady like subject of this analogy (yes, this is going to be an analogy), but I've recently learned this habit mirrors something else I do way too subconsciously. In the same way that I look in the mirror for flaws on my face, I also look at my entire being for flaws I can pick at (and pick at and pick at...), as if they will be gone once I get every single one of them. This sounds like a good practice of self-awareness to someone who grew up in a culture where "self-awareness" and condemnation were all too similar. And even though I can distinguish the two now, it's still hard, sometimes, to feel the difference. So here's where the self-awareness line blurs and the picking goes too far...

Have you ever tried to get a zit that wasn't ready? Or one that would have been fine and left on it's own if you would have let it and left it alone?

The only thing left when you try too hard is more redness and irritation and noticeable scares.

So I'm trying to learn to see one thing at a time...
I'm trying to live out: "Picking too much doesn't make anything right."

This is what gets me, though. Picking actually makes my face dirtier - always trying to get the marks off. And if I would only wash it... Ha, if I would only wash my face every time I felt the urge to force something away... but the picking takes the place of washing, and the washing is too slow anyway...

And what's the point of all this? Here you go.

I need to be patient with myself instead of forcing all the "marks" away. I need to remember the things that HELP in the long run--- though the long run is exactly that.
I want to be aware of when I'm being self-aware or just condemning myself.
Because when I'm constantly, subconsciously, religiously instigating me... my flaw is being magnified. And my problem is actually growing.

Petty convictions.

2011-02-01T12:52:00.000-08:00

Of this I am convinced: Neither rainy days nor sunny days, neither bad mood days nor smiling days, neither grieving days nor apathetic days nor running late to everything days, neither worries, nor headaches, nor poor body image, nor lousy music days, neither peaceful days, nor coffee on my shirt days, nor sick days, nor any others days in all of North America will be able separate me from the love of God... And then I realize how blessed I am, and I am moved with compassion and conviction of my pettiness.

Seven Songs

2011-01-27T10:43:00.000-08:00

At Your Feet.
You Always Love Me.
Like Mary.
First Love.
Chaos.
When You Speak.
No One Is As Good As You.

These are the seven songs.... for those of you who were keeping track.
How they sound is my secret right now. But I hope I can share them someday.

Until then... I ponder them in my heart and my room.

Thanks for the faithful encouragement!

Hello.

2011-01-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hey world, it's been awhile. I've been balancing time and rest and other things (like "Parenthood"), so there's my absence from blogging in a nutshell. But I was just reading Kendall's blogs, and I realized, "Wow, Kendall's blogs are really inspiring." It's a good thing he's my boyfriend... I need to be inspired sometimes...

Alright, alright, but that's not the only reason I read his blogs - yes, I admit I am a bit biased.

Well, who wouldn't want to be in-the-know of how their significant other is processing and sharing deep life lessons and meaningful times with God and "a friend" (he so meant me) with the world wide web??? Because, we talk... A LOT. But I like to understand the "scholar" Kendall, the "writer" Kendall, too, who appears before all of you after our conversations...

Anyway, it's that Kendall (the scholar-writer one) who has inspired me yet again! Mostly just to write this blog, if nothing else. Mmm, that, and to bless someone by buying them coffee today, or just plain ol' bless God by whipping out my guitar and letting my lungs project all this crazy hunger to Him. You know someone told me last night that God LOVES His special, secret time with me? with ME! God l - o - v - e, llluuuvvvss His time with me! So great. I feel "jealous for." I feel like I want to give God what He loves.

Don't you?

Cause I bet He loves His secret time with you too...

Ok so you go to yours, and I'll go to mine, and we'll just plain ol' bless God by projecting all our crazy hunger to Him...

And then we'll change the world.

BREAK!

January 1, December 25, and Today

2010-12-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

The Lord spoke to me and said that January would start a "solidifying" season for me. I didn't know what this meant at first, so I asked the Lord, "What will You be solidifying?"
"Your integrity," He replied (in His gentle and powerful whisper). "I will be testing your integrity and showing you that I have set your freedom in stone."

That makes me nervous and joyful all at the same time because the Lord has done some incredible things in me this past year. I have felt Him etching "freedom" into my skin, my hands, my bones... I have felt Him engraving those letters onto my heart... though my heart has budged a few times under the pain of it all. Now, I have stayed with the Crafter's tool long enough to recognize the safety of His hands rather than just the pain of alteration. So I know I can trust Him with what's coming...

-------------------

This morning, I thought about Christmas - and how Christmas is God's love in action. Yes, the Cross and the Resurrection are also epitomes too, but how odd that He would precede those with a specific kind of coming... You see, He didn't just shoot down to earth for a couples days, get on a cross to die, get the grave/hell smashing part over with, and then fly off back into heaven right after. No. God came and stayed for awhile. He came and spoke for a while. He came and fed for awhile, healed for awhile, loved for awhile... suffered for awhile...

He stayed His divinity and His power, so that He could stay in flesh and decaying earth. And He stayed obedient to His Father, loyal to His followers, committed to His message of incarnated love the whole time.

How do I come and stay for people more hurt than me? How do I suspend my privileges to take up a cross like His?

I'm thinking about this season God is leading me into, and I'm thinking about what other things He will solidify into my integrity....

I hope He will solidify an advent in me - a coming posture that stays for awhile. Because I love Advent, and I don't want it to be another end to my year. I want it to be the beginning.

------------------

"Father, free me from all things impatient and hurried. Show me the value of staying and the beauty of waiting on You. I want to see the ones that You see; I want to love the way that You love. Because in You are all things good and righteous and joyful. In You is peace and laughter and a way to deal with pain that's different from our many killers and addictions. Spirit, Your breath sustains me; Jesus, Your friendship teaches me. Father, I wait on Your words... and I will stay... help me stay... I will stay my anxious urge to flee. In thirst and abundance, Amen."

Polished

2010-11-10T11:21:00.000-08:00

Whenever I paint my fingernails, it is rushed, and I don't let them dry long enough before touching things. They get squished against table chairs and have imprints of sweatshirt fabric on them before I'm out the door. Then, I spend the rest of date night trying to smooth out the smudged-up ridges and apologizing to Kendall for their messyness, which I catch glimpses of throughout the evening. It hit me the other day (mid-frantic-dry with a hair dryer in the bathroom) that sometimes I treat my spirituality this way. First off, the fact that I would think of my spirituality as an accessory is a little embarrassing to say the least... because it's actually supposed to be a part of my essence - something that can be seen, yes, but mainly something that is sown in and tended to. Furthermore, I'll find myself "polishing" my spirituality up right before leading worship or approaching an event/meeting that requires my life-with-God's presence. I want to present that life well, and often, I wish I had done a better job preparing in advance. I wish I prepared with enough "marinating" time for things to solidify. I wish I let the polish sit. On the flip-side, it's not above God to use whatever I've prepared and even compliment my efforts. He loves that I showed up - like my boyfriend loves that I show up.

It's just... I want to do more than "show up." I want to prepare myself with intention and thought. And it's not just so I will be decorated. (I don't want my spirituality to be like a cheap broche saying this or that about me real quick.) I want to be adorned in preparation - like with anointing oil - like something I've been soaked in long enough to make my skin smell good. Ironically enough, putting my nail polish on right before I head out the door, doesn't help me smell good. My unprepared polishings actually take away from what I truly want to present: an adornment that was sown in, tended to, and given ample time to solidify as a part of myself.

I'm not saying I'm going to wear nail polish all the time. Or, that I'll stop doing it in a hurry at ten-til-date night. I merely want to remember that there are certain things that shouldn't be polished in a hurry before certain engagements... my spirituality is one of those things. Plus, it will probably be a little messy with preparation anyway. (As will my fingernails.)

But the polish was never the point...

Isaiah 42:9

2010-10-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

There are some things in life I really enjoy: T-shirt sheets, good froth, movies that make you think... the sound of rain when you wake up in the morning. This morning, the sound of rain was there when I woke up. Something about the rain reminds me of childhood. At the same time, something about it reminds me of growing up and breaks from college and starting to like coffee. I'm listening to it fall from the living room right now, and I want to be back home in Oakhurst with my sisters and a fire going in the fireplace... and, since it's Saturday, I want them to stay home from work and we stay in our pajamas all day playing sing-song monopoly (self-explanatory) and then we finally get dressed to go to dinner because, suddenly, it's 4pm and we're supposed to catch a movie with Tiber at 6:20.

I also want to be hiking. I know that sounds weird, but some of my best memories of hiking are with my cousin Richard in less-than-perfect conditions for it. To me, they turned out perfect, though... because it seemed like a better adventure in the rain.

(I'm so daring.)

So I sit here and want all these things, but then God reminds me that I'm losing the moment. "What about the prayer room to your left?" He asks, "How about you make some new moments to remember enjoying... with me... in the prayer room, with it's less-than-sound-proofed walls, which, will turn out perfect to you because then you can hear the rain better..."

Yeah... That sounds nice.

Because there's nothing wrong with reminiscing. (Memories make great stories.) But something else about the rain - it signifies a refreshing... and an opportunity for new things. And God's doing some great new things.

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings..."

2010-09-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

God's not always interested in how I'm most comfortable hearing His voice. I don't think He was interested in that when He had fire talk to Moses through a bush. Moses probably wasn't used to shrubbery interrupting his sheep-watching time. But regardless of how I imagine God will or should speak, He's always taking care to touch on what I need to grow in. And He's helping me recognize His presence in new ways.

I'm feeling Him stretch me in this season of my life. Well actually... I'm feeling Him. It's not one of those stretches that hurts like hell... It's actually one that comforts like ice cream and falls like cherry blossoms. You might be apt to say that since it sounds so nice, it's no stretch at all... But I am not used to physically feeling God... not in the way you'd feel ice cream on your tongue. Feeling God, to me, IS a stretch. It's a stretch that I'm ready for now.

What a good stretch! However, what a scary stretch all at the same time. As a human being, I tend towards fear when something really incredible is happening in my life. Not necessarily a fear of the happenings themselves, but a fear of their absence. But something God has also been speaking to me in this season is that He is the God of their absences too... and whatever He brings into my life, He will be faithful to sustain for exactly as long as I need it. When seasons shift, or the blessings transform as time commands... God will not leave me with nothing. And He will certainly not let the absence of anything trump the reality of His presence!

"You are talking about feelings, though, Jenna. Fleeting feelings - unreliable to be sure." (That was my alter-ego.) Yes! They ARE feelings! They are feelings of Him, which He has now introduced into my life. And though many feelings are fleeting, I should not be afraid of them vanishing forever. A winter season might come, and I might have to simply believe in spring time renewal for a while - choosing to press in, though the chill has frozen my senses temporarily- but once you know what the blossom feels like, it's easier to recognize when it hits your cheek again...

What am I saying in all this mumbo jumbo flower talk? Mainly that God is stretching me to feel Him... that He is giving me a new way of knowing His presence. That He is blessing me with things like that right now; and when something is so good, it can simultaneously be just as scary. But I don't want to waste a season of rich sensations worrying that I will lose touch with it eventually. Instead, I am going to trust Him as He moves me along, teaching me to recognize things that may, in time, lay dormant at points but remain instilled in a new part of me.

Kind of like getting a hug from a friend. The hug stops at some point, but you will forever recognize its enveloping touch.

Beyond the Stop

2010-07-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

I often wonder about things like destiny and tension and climbing mountains. I wonder about the person with a great destiny and about the things in his or her life that start making it uncomfortable...that start making reality harder than a dream. I wonder about the people woven into that destiny and the challenges ripping into it as well. I wonder about stories, basically... But I'm wondering about them more right now. It's funny, because in the story of my own life, this topic has been coming up a lot. I was away awhile, and during that time, I picked up the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I heard it was good, and I like Donald Miller, so I thought it'd be worth the fifteen bucks. It was. It's a good book... and it's mostly about stories.

A few Sundays ago at the Stirring, I could tell that I wasn't the only one reading that book... Aaron Hayes talked about Luke 5:1-11, which shows Jesus pulling some fisherman out of their frustrating, mediocre stories and into the bigger story he was starting to tell with them. Jesus moves them "from a life of occupation to a life of mission... from lives of obligation to lives of meaning and purpose." I really resonated with what Aaron said there, because until you realize that Jesus wants to tell a great story with your life, whatever you're trying to "keep up with" outside of that is inevitably going to expose your inadequacies and always highlight your failures. But Jesus' story doesn't leave you at inadequacies and failures... it calls you THROUGH them. Because the point of His story is not your competence or successes... the point of His story is your transformation - your transformation that comes because He is competent and successful at loving you, calling you, and pulling you through, if you let Him.

You see, I watch a lot of movies, and I get wrapped up in a lot of stories. And I was thinking the other day that the stories I get the most wrapped up in are the ones that have the best character development. I could watch a really "boring" movie or the most action-packed thriller in the world, but if I fall in love with a character, all I really end up caring about is how they are going to be throughout the movie. And I don't care if the conflict is about world-rescue or relational-redemption, if the character is determined to move through the conflict and come out changed for the better, I'm all over that! But here is the thing that matters most to me - here is the thing the makes the difference... If the CONFLICT ITSELF WINS... if the character receives nothing, learns nothing, surrenders nothing, moves nothing... if they give in to everything the story had mounted against them... that movie sucks. I would hate to watch a movie that only says, "There was once this man who was caught up in something that was ruining his life and his heart. He started fighting against this thing, because he had to or he would die. He got close to getting through it a couple times, and it seemed like he was changing, but then he went back to where he started... and even worse... and then he died." The conflict wins in a movie like that. And I don't think Jesus made us to have lives where conflict wins. He says we will have conflict. The deep conflict is where the deep victory is possible (like Aaron was saying). But, "take heart"...because Jesus has overcome a WORLD of it.

If we join Jesus' story, we overcome conflict, too. We go through it, like Jesus did (but we do it on a smaller scale because we don't have to go through the battle of defeating EVERYONE's sins)... and we come out on the other end risen and changed, because something is new in us now.

I don't think a story is complete until conflict is defeated. The kind of movie I mentioned before - the one where the man is defeated by his conflict - it's worse than, "Oh, that movie has a bad ending" - I don't think that movie really has an ending... I think that movie just stops.

And who likes to watch a movie that just stops?

When I said earlier that I wonder about things like destiny and tension and climbing mountains... that I wonder about the person with a great destiny and about the things in life that start making it uncomfortable and about the people woven into that destiny and the challenges in it as well... I guess I'm really wondering about the meaning that all those elements have. And I guess I'm wondering if they mean anything at all if the story doesn't pull them through something in the end. I'm wondering if they are all just pieces, floating around on paper or on a screen (or in a life), waiting to find their weight in the end... waiting to have their worth completed when the Author says, "This was how you moved my story along." How beautiful, if the main character lets the story be written like that, and lets the elements come into the fullness of that. How incomplete, if the conflict just stops him -

Impossible Things and Vorpal Swords

2010-03-09T21:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought, "This is so ironic"... or wondered if somebody somewhere somehow knew you were needing to hear the thing you heard or watch the thing you watched or read the thing you read right when you heard, watched, or read it? Have you ever felt like somebody somewhere sees you? I have. More times than I can count. To be quite honest, it's beginning to be a regular occurrence... Also to be quite honest, I'm beginning to think that that somebody somewhere is in fact God, and that He enjoys getting my attention this way. Which is encouraging, because it's something I've realized I can't ignore... and I like to think that I can't ignore God.

What I couldn't ignore tonight... was brilliant. Incredibly brilliant. So brilliant that I might poke a hole in my "delete" key trying to get the words right for this. It was colorful, and it was devastatingly loud (to me, anyway... the person who lives my life and could recognize the analogues in the context of my life). It was a match after a parallel after a saying... and they just kept coming as I sat there taking all of them in - my mind imploding as I tried not to cry while these things confirmed and put pictures to what God has been (already) so loudly shouting at me for months... It was all very genius of Him really. God is a genius. And tonight, He spoke to me through Alice in Underland.

I shouldn't have been as shocked I was. Partly because, like you're thinking right now, "It's just a movie. You can find meaning in any movie"... but mostly because, I was afraid of this movie. I've been afraid of it for months. My little sister went and saw it with her friend, and I thought, "I'm afraid of that movie. It looks weird. I don't want to see it." I thought it would be exactly like the cartoon, and I never liked the cartoon - the cartoon scared me. I never watch it anymore.

Well so the story of how I ended up watching this movie goes like this: Tonight, Aubrey picks this movie, Alice in Wonderland, and since I want to try "being brave" on for size, I just go with it. Aubrey doesn't even realize it's 3D, but I do, which scares me more (and ends up being scary for her once she also finds out it's 3D... really funny), but again, I just go with it. Garrett comes too, and we all share popcorn. The movie starts, and I yell, "I'm afraid of this movie!" (I don't normal-yell, of course - the movie has started - I whisper-yell.) After about 30 minutes into it, our suspicions are confirmed that this is not the normal Alice in Wonderland's story... this is Alice in Underland's story, and this one is different. This one is about finding out who you are meant to be, and becoming that who... This one is about believing impossible things, and facing a monster you never thought you could slay. This one is about being brave. And even if the whole time people are guiding you, supporting you, telling you about your destiny and who you used to be before you forgot about your destiny, the choice in the end is still yours... only yours... and YOU must decide to face the monster... because once you decide to grab your weapon, you will need to wield it.

But don't worry too much, "insignificant bearer," the Vorpal Sword knows what to do... you just have to hang on... and believe the impossible...

There were a lot of other things (pictures, words, story lines) that stuck out, but if you aren't me, you probably won't understand God talking to me in them. In light of that, I am glad I am me tonight.
For those of you who aren't me... bummer, it's quite the ride.

Well, go see the movie and have fun! God might call you into a dream of special effects... or wake you up to a reality of your own that you need to face...

Either way, it's worth the 8 bucks and recyclable plastic (if you see it in 3D)!

Gosh, and I was afraid of this movie.... I would have missed some serious muchness...

The way I want, or the way He wants me?

2010-03-07T20:43:00.000-08:00

"It may not be the way I would have chosen- when You lead me through a world that's not my home..." (Ginny Owens)

This is an amazing song. And I hear it coming out of my soul right now. The lyrics above catch my attention every time I listen to them... but today, this part means more than I ever really thought it would. You see, God has these plans He works out... this "dream" for my life, if you will (Anyone at the Stirring today?). And sometimes, what happens to me and then what happens next out of that makes total sense in my mind. In fact, it makes so much sense in my mind that I could have planned it myself (so I do plan it). Cause I'm pretty good at figuring stuff like that out (Have you ever taken the Strengths Finder test? One of my top strengths is connectedness... so, ya know... I make the connections)...

Well, sometimes I can't make enough connections to keep up with what God is doing... and what God is doing right now was definitely not included in the string of events that I had all connected and planned out for me about a month ago. Not that that matters much anymore... He has made it clear that His way is best. And He has made it even more clear that His way is leading me on a path I actually thought I was avoiding. "It may not be the way I would have chosen." (Actually, it's not. I know this because I thought about this way multiple times, and I didn't choose it... multiple times.) But now, I am choosing His way. Which leads to the same end I always wanted. It's just that, this way, the me at the end will probably match His dreams a little better...

Someone once told me that God looks at you and sees the "whole-story" you... and that He has instilled hopes in you to align the "now" you with the you "to come."

... So I am encouraged as I press in now to all I've hoped He's shaping me to become.

No matter that it doesn't look the way I always thought.

P.S.
"Pit happens" ...hahaha.... oh Nathan...

How things end up.

2010-02-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a boy. This is true. Once, I asked my mom why she had me, a girl, and why she didn't do something different so I'd be a son instead of a daughter. She laughed a little but then realized how serious I was and simply said, "Because God wanted you to be a girl, and He knew I wanted another sweet little princess..." She might have tried to pinch my cheek after that, which made me want to be a boy even more. My cousin was a boy... my friends were boys... why couldn't I be a boy, too? I liked action figures, pocket knives, building things (forts, chairs, traps) and carving things (wooden swords, tooth picks...). I liked exploring and going on crazy adventures (our backyards were HUGE). I liked sports and race cars and pulling barbie's head off. One time my friends and I made a flying fox out of twine and wash cloth... which was a dumb idea, but it was very Indianna Jones, and I bragged about my rope-burned hands for days. My dad used to tell me I was a "tom-boy," and I liked the sound of that... He took me fishing and encouraged my sports skills. Any time he was at his workbench, I was sitting on top, watching him saw and glue and hammer and sand. When he had a local basketball game to play in, both Joy and I would go so we could shoot around afterwards. Dad did always seem to hone in on my dribble and stance and shooting form... I think, in a way, I was like the son he never had...

I'm not upset about this, my dad never said he wished I was a boy or that he didn't want any of the four girls all his children ended up being. After all, I was the one that said I wanted to be a boy... I think he was just happy to accommodate that part of me... and have a "tough" daughter and "little buddy" to share his cool tips with.

... I didn't mind being his little buddy.

>

When I was a little girl (but a little older), I had become obsessed with Star Wars and with Tomb Raider. I used to want to be buff and cool and fearless and able to do amazing flips while kicking bad guys' butts like Lara Croft. And I wanted to learn how to wield the Force like Luke Skywalker. About that time, I really started liking the color blue.

... Kicking bad guys' butts and using the Force for good... Yup, that was the kind of stuff I wanted to do as a little older little girl. (Now, I just want to be buff... Don't judge me. You probably want to be buff, too.)

>

When I was a teenage girl... I was on the basketball team and wanted to survive high school... yeah that's about it.

>

Now, I'm not a little girl anymore. Nor do I want to be a boy anymore (well, there are certain times... VERY certain times...), but I do still like a lot of things I liked when I was younger. I still like sports. I still thoroughly enjoy fishing. And blue is my favorite color. I still watch kick-butt girls in movies and like that they're not "sissies." (If you take the "sissies" thing personally, please don't, I obviously still have issues to work through). But I also do like that God made me a girl... now.

Sometimes I think about my sisters - I think about how beautiful they are - and I think how blessed I am to share that sister-bond with them (something I wouldn't be able to share as a boy). Sometimes, I think about how empathetic I can be - I think about how there are definitely empathic guys, but how there's just something unique about a woman's empathy, and I'm glad I can share that with other women that might be going through what I have gone through. Sometimes I even think about being pursued, being a wife, being pregnant, being a mother... and I think those sound like wonderful things to be. For now, I think about playing guitar and singing as a girl... writing songs from my feminine heart. I think about the workings of my theologically driven mentality... of doing and writing and professing theology slightly different than a man, because I am a woman, and that's no "slight" at all. I think about being a leader in a uniquely female way, and I think about being fiercely dedicated to Jesus' way in this manner of worship and love that I've found myself in... Suddenly, I don't want to be a man at all. Of course I think that men are great, and I want to be led by and married to a great man someday; without men, there wouldn't be women, and vice-versa, and I don't even know how to finish this sentence without filling it with understatements...

But I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that... that I... that there are... hmmm... that I'm glad I liked the boyish things I liked when I was young, because they are a huge part of who I am as a woman now... And I don't mean that girls who liked horses and dresses and flowers and dancing are not appropriately (and also appropriately featured as) brave, strong, great women. I'm just coming to believe more everyday that I'm great as a woman, too. So I'm thankful God made me a girl after all. Because how things end up, my wants for me are more like His wants for me anyway... and I want to be a woman of God.

Life is Beautiful.

In real life, too.

2010-02-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

This past month I've realized that facebook makes no big difference in my life. It hasn't been in my life at all this past month, and the only thing I've missed about it is all my witty jokes finding their way into the cyber world via another person's wall or the tagged photo they're attached to. Cause sometimes I feel like I'm that much funnier on the internet... (But then I make a joke in the office, and Dan Lance laughs at it, and that reminds me I'm funny in real life, too. And I no longer need facebook.)

So we broke our fast from noise yesterday as a church (which I was ironically and quietly at home sick for). Mid-Friends episode, it hit me that I could get back on facebook again! The first time in a month! All that pent up... SOCIAL TENSION. And, I mean, what if the world is imploding and I totally missed the invitation to the group "We have a space shuttle that will transport you off earth on this date at this time, et cetera, et cetera (Hurry- limited seating!)"??? I thought about how I would come to Yaks today and get back on facebook, and about how getting back on facebook again would just blow my mind... I thought about how much of a difference facebook probably makes in my life and I don't even realize it...

This how much of NOT a difference it makes in my life-

Messages waiting in inbox: 2
Photo tags: a few times in 1 new picture album
Wallposts: about 5 (and two of them were because of prompts to "reconnect" with me)
Notifications: about 37 ...surprisingly low, considering the amount of flower pots and farmville corn I am usually "gift"ed in a day.
Invites to that group with the space shuttle: 0

Anybody who's anybody on facebook knows what lame numbers those are.

Anybody who's anybody on facebook knows that the underlying force of facebook is "tag and be tagged back"... if you don't thrive and live and flourish under the blue and white url f logo of this post-and-comment-now-comment-on-the-post world, you might as well not expect big numbers during one month's time of absence. This is what I knew going into the fast. This is what, I am slightly embarrassed to say, I had to pray to Jesus about. "But Lord- If I do not comment, I will not get a comment back!"

Cause anybody who's anybody on facebook knows that if your status is old, you're old news my friend...

Luckily, anybody who's status or pictures or dire re-connecting needs make a big difference in my life, also has my phone number. Or email address. Or I see their ACTUAL face as life affords. I'm definitely not being a facebook downer... I just think it's a relief every now and then to realize that you DO have bonds thicker than clear wire...

Thank you, Jesus... I can trust you with my social life. (And my real life... the world is not imploding...)

Good fasting lesson.

Mudhouse Sabbath

2009-12-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading a book called Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner. It's a slender little book that I picked up yesterday in Barnes and Noble and decided to use my Christmas gift card on (Thanks, Mom). Reading it now, I wish I had picked it up the day before yesterday, just so I could have had it in my possession sooner. I'm pretty sure I've only stopped reading it to shower, pee, and drive... and to write this.

The point of the book is ingeniously described by a phrase found directly underneath its title: "An Invitation to a Life of Spiritual Discipline." The phrase is printed in pink lettering and means what it suggests (as most phrases by Winner do). The fact that it's in pink means nothing, but I thought it was pretty and worth the mention.

When I'm done reading this book - which will probably be around the same time I'm done drinking this latte - I'm going to seriously reconsider the intentionality I give to certain "ordinary" things in my life... things like sabbath and food and candle-lighting... and doorposts. (I haven't actually gotten to the "doorposts" chapter yet... but I bet I'll reconsider the attention I give to those.)

It's a book about the link between spiritual practices of Judaism and the formation of our responses to God in Christianity. It is about "the rhythms and routines" that, as Winner puts it, "drew the sacred down into the everyday." It's a book that shows you you are practicing things everyday, but, how are the things you're practicing forming you to respond to God? Are they at all? Mostly, it's one of those books that asks if you'd like to pay a little more attention...

I'd like to pay a little more attention.

Mudhouse Sabbath... Let me know if you want to borrow it. Maybe we'll read it for lifegroup.

2009-10-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

I was reading a very good book this morning, and I realized that if I ever wanted to write a good book, I would need to figure out what, exactly, I am writing about. And I would need to have a lot of things to say about whatever I am writing about. Then I would just need to write about it. It sounded like a simple enough formula: 1) Figure out what you are writing about, 2) Have a lot to say about it, 3) Say it in writing (I would add in, "with humor," for sales strategy). Then I realized something else: I don't think I could ever stay focused enough to write a good book about something. Unless, of course, it was a book about realizations... I might be able to write a good book about realizations... but whoever wants to read a book about that...

Get up and walk...

2009-10-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

Bethany Dillon has an awesome new cd out. Danae Allen bought it for me for my birthday. Thank you, Danae...

This is my favorite song right now:

GET UP AND WALK

I have got no one to blame
Except if that someone’s me
I washed my hands, but just the same
My eyes confess for me
I come in filthy rags
You know I’m guilty

I wake up almost every night
Saying Your name
What I would give to walk in the light
But what I hide has made me lame
My face down on the ground
I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You’ll have to show me where to go
It’s been so long since I’ve used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I’m dancing
So let the power of Your move
Not stop with what I can see

[back to chorus]

I couldn’t walk
I couldn’t sing
I couldn’t love until You found me

"...that everywhere I am in Thy presence."

2009-10-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I was invited to teach an FYE class on the Streams of Faith. In preparing for it, I realized that there are many crevices and pockets of these streams into which I have not stopped to dip my own bucket. So I typed up outlines for the Contemplative, Holiness, Charismatic, Social Justice, Evangelical, and Incarnational Streams, and decided that I would need to keep one for myself...

At about 9:12 this morning, the prayer of Susanna Annesley (mother of John Wesley) was one of the last things I added to the Incarnational outline. Then I decided to add it to my day... Then, event-upon-event, a good breakfast with good friends, a somewhat disheveled but peaceful arrival to the class, and a slow reading of Psalm 139 to open... and I am convinced that He is with me.

Pray this with me as I pray it about 14 more times today. And remember that He is with you too.

“Help me, Lord, to remember...that everywhere I am in Thy presence. So my every word and action have a moral content...May all the happenings of my life prove useful and beneficial to me. May all things instruct me and afford me an opportunity of exercising some virtue and daily learning and growing toward Thy likeness...Amen.”

My New Little House

2009-09-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

I moved into my new little house on Tuesday. It's not actually "new"... But it is little. And I love it already. Megan and I discovered that the bathroom door doesn't stay shut... which is fine, cause maybe we'll get a latch. We're grown up like that... we can get latches if we need to...

But I've never rented a house before--big or small. So the fact that I'm typing this at our breakfast nook table on our "borrowed" wireless internet, while listening to the three sprinklers squirt around outside our kitchen window, is kind of surreal. Not the "I'm going to be on Wheel of Fortune tomorrow" kind of surreal... just... kind of surreal. The real part comes with the simple fact that I'm in a new stage of life again. Paying rent and electric bills, planning dinner parties and grocery shopping for the next couple of weeks (rather than a few hours of late-night-homework-cramming)... going to bed at a normal time of night, when I'm tired, because I have office hours the next day and not a final exam at 8 am... and knowing that I'm here in Redding to reside year round because of these wonderful office hours, but also because of so much more... much much more.

And then it hit me when Meg's mom yelled from the kitchen, "Where do you girls want the toaster!?" that I've never thought about where a good place for the toaster would be... or a good place to put band aids... or where a good place to buy a paper towel rack from is...
I never really considered that I could have a garden if I wanted.

Guess it's the little things that make you feel like you're getting older... It's the little things that change when you're growing up... It's the little things you start thinking about suddenly because your responsibilities are shifting and you are suddenly the one making the decisions about the little things. Not that the decisions about the little things make you more mature necessarily, but they're all accumulating to the bigger changes... Bigger changes that eventually find you in a new house you are responsible for... and where you begin to realize, "I think I know where the toaster should go now..."

...and then you walk outside to get the electric bill from your new little mail box.

The Little Boy and the Road and the Hole

2009-08-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

(a story I wrote...)

There was a little boy who kept falling into a hole. It was the same hole every time, over and over. And even though the little boy didn't like the hole, and the fall hurt every time, he kept walking on the road that had the hole in it. When he told his mom about the hole, his mom told him to stop walking on that road, and in fact, to stop walking on any roads without her. But he didn't listen to his mom because this was the only road to the place he was going... he also didn't tell her about the hole anymore because he didn't want her coming with him. After falling into the hole a couple more times, the little boy decided to tell his friend about the road and the hole and how it was starting to hurt more and more every time he fell in. When he told his friend, his friend asked him if he was sure that was the only road that led to the place he was going. The little boy was pretty sure... but not a hundred percent... but pretty sure... so his friend said he'd like to come with him next time and check out this hole the little boy was falling into. The little boy thought for a moment and decided that would be fine.

So the boy and his friend began down the road with the hole. Along the way, the boy's friend saw another road, branching off from the one they were on. Even though this road looked smaller and longer and didn't look like it was going in the same direction, he stopped the little boy and showed him. But the little boy shook his head and said he was pretty sure that that road wouldn't take him where he was going... not a hundred percent... but pretty sure... so the little boy and his friend kept going.

Finally, the boy began to recognize the scenery--it was the scenery close to where the hole was. He told his friend to slow down and be careful because, sometimes, he would just fall into the hole without seeing it. But he always recognized the scenery, so they decided to go very slowly. The friend was the first to see the hole... so wide and unmerciful, stretching all the way from one side of the road to the other. It seemed to the friend that if someone was determined to keep going on this road, there would be no escape from falling in. He turned to the little boy to tell him, but the little boy was already in front of him, headed for the hole. The friend wondered if the little boy could see the hole this time or if he couldn't, like the other times. When he called the little boy's name, the little boy stopped for a second and looked back and asked him why he stopped. The friend told him that the hole was right in front of them and that the little boy was getting too close--couldn't he see it?

But then the friend noticed that the little boy wasn't looking at the hole right in front of him. In fact, the little boy wasn't even looking at the road anymore. The friend ran to catch up with him and tried to point out the road and the hole and the fact that there was no way around the hole and they should go back and try the other road... but the little boy kept looking at the scenery and pointing past the hole and saying that if they could just jump over the hole, he was sure this was the way he needed to be going (he seemed a hundred percent sure... but he really wasn't). The little boy told his friend to look further down the road and see how pretty it was and to look around them and see how enchanting the scenery was now--now that they had come to the edge of the hole. It was enchanting scenery, the friend agreed, and the rest of the road looked oddly pretty as far as the eye could see, but the friend could still see the hole plainly, and the hole was not pretty, and the hole hurt, and the hole would not let them keep walking down the road looking at the scenery and heading towards... well, whatever the little boy thought he was heading towards...

If you ask the little boy what happened next, he might not be able to recall. He might tell you that he fell into the hole again because he took more steps towards it, even while his friend was talking. Or, he might admit that it would have been disappointing to have gone so far down that road again just to go back and try the other road... so he tried jumping this time instead.

He will recall that his friend pulled him out of the hole and that his friend walked back to his home with him. And he will remember that his friend was not scolding him or ignoring him or calling him stupid for being... stupid. Instead, his friend was guiding him, examining his wounds, telling him to rest on their way, and sometimes quietly crying, just because he was sad the little boy couldn't see what he could see...

...But the little boy could see all of that.

If you ask the little boy whether or not he is going to fall into the hole again, he might not be able to predict the future... he might not be able to say that even though the hole hurts, the road or the scenery or the pretty other side will be easier to not think about and look at and want to go to. But maybe he will say that he knows the road always leads him to the hole, which hurts to fall into more and more every time. And that he knows the road is more dangerous than the hole itself. He might be able to say that he is not going to take that road anymore. He might even admit that his friend was right and that the other road is probably a much better option.

He will be able to say that his friend is a good friend... that his friend has offered to try the other road with him. His friend has good eyes, so he will help the little boy see other holes if they come across any. The little boy hopes that he has good eyes again someday... ones that don't just look at the scenery. He hopes that he gets eyes like his friend's... ones that can see when the hole is too close and when the other side is actually not very pretty at all.

The little boy wears glasses right now. He hopes that someday he won't need them. When his mom asks him about the glasses, he just smiles and says he is training his wandering eye. And when she asks him whatever happened with that hole he told her about, and that road leading to the place he was going... he smiles again and says that he and his friend decided to take a different road. He tells her not to worry and that it is a better road.
Because he's pretty sure he wants to go to a different place now...

No... a hundred percent sure.

The Middle.

What DOES it sound like?

2009-08-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while... Probably because I haven't read in a while. Usually when I'm not reading, I'm not getting much motivation to write... Yeah, that makes sense. But I have been writing songs lately... I find that life in general motivates me to write songs. More specifically, life as I encounter it in other living people motivates me to write songs.... I write a song when I see a homeless man digging through the trash for food. I write a song when I find a girl too afraid of her past to move forward. I write a song when I hear about prostitution... and then meet its oppressed firsthand. Or, I write a song when I meet Jesus again firsthand... and when He makes Himself known through the life of a friend.

I write joyful songs... though some may seem less "happy" than others.
I write hopeful songs. All songs should have a glimmer of hope in them...

I write songs full of thought... because my own life is saturated with it. And if the songs I write don't provoke others to think too, then I don't know what the heck I'm doing here...

Sometimes I struggle with finding the right words (There are so many words in our world). But God refines those as He refines me more with His... So I don't worry very much about lyrics. I think about them and revisit them and pick and choose and change them with purpose... but I am rarely anxious over them.

Melodies, however, are a different story. Melodies... I need to hear. I don't know what else to say about melodies right now, other than- there must be a million of them in heaven... If I could just hear the melodies of heaven...

"Whatever the angels are singing..."

...Sometimes I dare ask God to let me sing "whatever the angels singing..."

This is a little bit of why I haven't read in awhile, I suppose...
I've been preoccupied with trying to hear heaven.

BBQs, Baptisms, and the Kingdom of Heaven...

2009-07-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Our church family amazes me more and more as the weeks pass. The leadership inspires me, the servanthood humbles me, the generosity awes me, the courage convicts me... I am honored to be part of such a dedicated, passionate group of Jesus followers. We had our bbq baptism last night at the Hayes' house. I watched as even more followers symbolically declared that their hearts and lives are for His Kingdom. I spoke with three amazing young women afterwards, and we agreed that talking about Jesus beats many other convo-topics, by far. We were encouraged by seeing our older brothers anoint the younger ones... and we are excited about our generation's call. It's incredible to be a part of this stuff...

When I think about times like that, I see that God is doing so much. But we don't always need those signs to know that He is working... Jesus says that an "evil and adulterous generation craves for a sign; and yet no sign will be given to it but the sign of Jonah the prophet..." He goes on to say that Nineveh didn't have Jesus come to them--they had Jonah, and still they believed more than the generation that craves signs. He says that the Queen of the South "came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and behold, something greater than Solomon is here." That queen didn't have Jesus come to her--but she had the idea that Solomon was onto something. The generation that craves for signs has the "something greater" than even Solomon's wisdom... but they turn to the cravings rather than the Lord in their midst. I'll be honest, that part of the story scares me! ...I want to turn to the Lord...

But Jesus continues (He usually does...), and He gives His disciples hope when they ask Him how anyone is supposed to understand all this crazy stuff He's saying! Jesus turns to them and says...

"To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not... But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear. For truly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it" (Matt.13:11, 16-17).

...I want us to be the disciples that turn to the Lord... the ones that He then turns and says that to...

When I watch baptisms and church gatherings and encouraging moments with our incredible church family--when I think about times like that--I try to remember that visuals are wonderful, but we do not always need the signs. I try to remember that JESUS is in our midst, and that it is He Who even grants us the eyes to see and the ears to hear these mysteries of His Kingdom.

He knows my name.

2009-07-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

I never cared that my name meant "little bird" before. If anything, I was embarrassed by it. Most of my friends have really cool meanings for their names, and some of my friends hate birds. Either way, I always claimed the "spiritual meaning" that would pop up on the more obscure websites... the websites on the 17th page of the Google findings...

Bethany Dillon once asked me what my name meant, and I was too embarrassed to tell her the "little bird" part. She seemed to like my name, and I didn't want her to change her mind... I told her "I think it means something like, 'The Lord is gracious'..." (which is true! One of the 17th-pagers said so). She smiled and said that she liked it. Sweet. I was right.
I think I smiled back... or I peed my pants... I can't remember...

Anyway, after a couple more years of similar stories (ones with me claiming the "spiritual meanings," not ones with Bethany Dillon), I began finding an actual appreciation of the "little bird" meaning... I started seeing pictures of birds everywhere, and they were a lot prettier than I remember (or at least a lot less scary...fewer crows). There were a lot that showed birds being released from cages, free to fly in the open air once more. Some of them showed birds simply resting on branches, singing what I imagined to be the most pleasant of songs (...they weren't steller-jays...or else I probably would have imagined fire alarms). They were "little" birds, and I started to like seeing them around. Four women from Bethel came up to me at the Sundial bridge one day and gave me a picture of a sunrise they had drawn for me... It had birds flying in it. "The Lord's favor is so heavy on you.. and you are going to be like these birds soon... flying so high and free in the sunrise." I contemplated telling them my name and what it meant, but I didn't. All I said back was, "Thank you. I really do hope so..."

They didn't know my name...
but God did.

I flirted with the idea of someday just coming out and saying to my friends that hate birds, "My name means 'little bird'!"--and to my friends with really cool name-meanings, "Well my name means 'little bird'..." And this idea became a million times more attractive when someone finally said to me, "You know you're name also means 'white wave'?"

Ok. So "Little bird" it is...

It's been a few months since that initial acceptance... I haven't thought about it at all since then.
But on Friday, my iPod's "shuffle" settings did it yet again...

FLY by Jason Upton

Going out to new atmospheres
Going out to new places
Going out to new atmospheres

You gotta to have new ears,
Gotta have new ears to hear...
Heavenly places, heavenly, heavenly places...
New revelation.

What are doing? (singing to lost soul)
Where are you going? (singing to lost soul)
God is going to give you wings...

Some of you have been fighting for a very long time
Some of you have been fighting that ground warfare for a very
long time...

Sticking out your fists and fighting...
God wants to take you to new places,
New revelation,
New perspective,
An arial view...

I declare over you, God has given you the air...

So fly, it's time to open up your wings,
to shake off the things that hold you down,
It's time to spread out your wings and fly.

Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you know what I know?
Do you want what I want?
I want you to fly

Fly...

(from God)
I have given you wings
I have set you free from the things that held you
I have given you wings
I have set you free, so come to me and
Fly...

Like a bird in the air, you have escaped the snare
Like a bird in the air, you have escaped the snare
Like a bird in the air, you have escaped the snare of the enemy

You have been set free
You have been set free

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no nothing could ever hold you.
Nothing can stop you now-
because you are....
Free.

Fly.

I'll admit, I started to cry on the treadmill. I'm glad no one was around to ask if I tore something. But if they had... I would have told them, "Guess it just kinda hit me that God knows my name..."

I happen to care now that my name means "little bird," because God always has. And He is remaining faithful to the promises that He's apparently had in mind since before I was born...

What does your name mean? He knows your name, too!

The Land of "Why?"

2009-07-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, Dan spoke about how God has chosen you to be an instrument for a specific purpose--how God redeems your story, and how your story makes you the perfect one for a certain job. I've never thought I was perfect for anything. I've just always thought I'll "do."

I did always want to be perfect. But I've never thought I made it there. That's no surprise... I was wanting the wrong thing anyway...

I've asked "Why?" to God a lot. And I always have regrets and wishes. There are things I've done that I don't understand... and things I never did that I hoped wouldn't haunt me later. But they do... I am haunted by my mistakes sometimes.

Dan continued talking. He talked about the land of "Why?" He said, "We all live in the land of 'Why?'...but God's redeeming all things, He's making all things new! God wants to change those parts of you that are so broken, that you think are beyond repair, that you thought could never be different, and He wants to use your testimony--the hardest, darkest, most painful places of it--to minister to others and help someone who may be going through something similar." He said, "You have a story that makes you effective in certain situations...and you will just connect with certain people because of it." And then he asked us, "Do you ever have those moments when you see a situation and realize, 'I am the chosen instrument for this moment' ?"

...It was this part of the message that made me lean forward in my chair a little more...

"Now, I want you to hear this," Dan continued, "Because this is what God has been speaking so clearly to me."
What? What is it??
There are some things that just get my full attention.

"When God calls me to something sometimes, I have those 'Yeah, buts', ya know? It's like, 'Yeah, but God, I'm a [fill in the blank]' It could be, 'But, God, I'm a coward' or 'God, I'm not eloquent in this' or 'God, I'm still broken' or 'But, there's that other thing...' or 'Yeah, but God, I'm such a mess...' We all have those 'Yeah, buts'... But then GOD answers and says, 'Perfect. I can still use you.' Or, He doesn't even let me finish...

I say, 'Yeah, but God, I'm a-'
'PERFECT,' He says, 'I can use that...' He looks at me, and He says, 'I can use you. I want to use you.'

Dan: 'But, I'm a-'
God: 'PERFECT. You're exactly what I want for this.'

...And then I realize that God has seen a situation and said, 'Dan would be PERFECT for this...
I HAVE to have a Dan for this one!'"

That last sentence would probably make more sense with Dan's analogy of the different-guitars-for-different-musical-purposes behind it... but you can download the podcast if you want the whole message.

For now, I just have a song that I thought was PERFECT for this blog...
It came onto my iPod at the gym this morning... my iPod nano, which isn't as "upgraded" as my iPod touch...probably not as elegant or complex or sleek-looking... it's not a 'clean' black--it's a tarnished green... and it's pretty beat up from years of being banged up against random trees and treadmills...but it's perfect for my morning jogs, and I wouldn't use any other...

Maybe it (if "its" could ask...) doesn't know "Why?" I'm using it rather than my iPod touch.... but I do.

I AM by Ginny Owens

No Lord, he said, you've got the wrong guy.
Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied.
And you're telling me to speak with a maniac king.
Or could it be I've lost my mind?
And besides, I am weak, don't you want someone strong,
To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long?
And anyway, they wont believe You ever spoke to me.
That's not your problem, God replied.
And the rest is history.

There's a bigger picture you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you I will show them, I Am.

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy,
Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy.
What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling?
That's not your problem, God replied.
'Cause I can do anything.

There's a bigger picture you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you, I will show them,
I Am the first, I Am the last,
I Am the present and the past,
I Am tomorrow and today,
I Am the only way.

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl.
You say that I will bring your son into the world.
How can I understand this thing You're gonna do?
That's not your problem, God replied.

'Cause, there's a bigger picture,
And you don't have to change the world.
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan.
And through you, I will show them,
There's a bigger picture, you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you, I will show them, I Am

Moses, David, and Mary the mother of Jesus are three Bible characters that I have always been inspired by...
They weren't perfect. They had regrets. They were afraid and crawled to Him, honest about it. But, eventually, they were willing and didn't ask "Why?" as much anymore--though if they looked back and reflected, I'm sure certain things would have suddenly become clear...

I'm sure they could see some incredible answers to that question in their stories. What encouraging things those would be to look back and see. We get see those things, now, and we realize that God is a MASTER story-teller...

And He is STILL using their stories today...

They're going to get "cultured"

2009-06-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

My sisters are going to Europe today. One called me at 7 this morning, probably thinking, "Jenna will definitely be awake..."
I wasn't. I didn't have to be at church until 10 this morning, and I'm semi-depressed that some of my friends aren't here anymore, so my body must've thought sleeping later this morning would be a good idea...

But at 7, Joanna called me:

"Helloooo?" I mumbled, trying a higher pitch than normal (to get my voice above the raspy-ness...)

"Oh my gosh, did I WAKE YOU UP???"

"Maaaaybe... but it's ok... you're leaving today right?"

"JENNA! I'm so sorry... I didn't think you'd be asleep still!! We thought for sure--"

"Jo, it's ok, really. I'm glad you called. I was wondering when you'd be taking off."

"Well, I'm sorry anyway... You sound tired... or dead..." (Don't worry--I was tired.)

So I sat up, grasping at any of the energy coming to me...

"Hey! You're going to Europe!!!" --THERE it was-- "Have fun! But how the heck am I supposed to talk to you when you're in Europe?!!"

"Email! Email me, ok? And I'll miss you. And I love you. Ok... now mom wants to talk to you..."

...And so, the phone went around. Jo, then my mom, then Janelle, then back to Jo again (it was her phone afterall).

Mom said she that loves me. She'll miss me. She'll buy me something. The usual...
I told her I love her too, that I'll miss her, and that I don't care what she gets me from Europe... but when she gets back, I might want her to mail me a couple things I left during my last visit home...
Don't worry, I told her I love her again after that. And that I'll pay for postage.

Then Janelle told me she was going to "get cultured." I thought for a minute how funny that sounds and was going to make a joke about her maybe having strep throat... but decided there was no time for nonsenses. I told her I think she's going to make a great European tourist, and that when I email them, she doesn't have to email me back. She'll be emailing her boyfriend and other friends, I'm sure, so I said that I would just update her on stupid things about my life and she could type a one word response if she wants--something like "word" or "cool."

Janelle's a sweet girl, so she said I was dumb and that of course she'll email me back.. "at least three words..."

Three words from my sister in Europe sounds more than wonderful to me... I told her I'd take it!

The phone went back to Jo, and she said, "Sorry I woke you up, Jenna..."
I told her it was fine...again.
I said, "I'm glad you called..." [we repeat stuff in my family]

I suddenly remembered something--

"Oh and Shmo..." ("Shmo" is short for "Jo Shmo"...which isn't short for anything... just a funny thing to call her)

"Yeah?"

"That mix you made me is awesome! My friends love it--especially the first song. I made mixes for them and gave them a bunch of your songs."

"Aw! That's so cool, Jenna! I mean... I am cool... so, yeah, duh... that's fine I guess... Haha."

"Ok, have fun in Europe. Keep mom and Janelle safe."

"I will cause I'm SOOO buff..... Thanks Jenna, I'll call you when we get back."

"Ok. I love you..."

"...love you.."

"Bye."

"Bye."

And they're probably halfway there by now.

I DO hope Janelle emails at least three words... And I hope my mom doesn't stress over what to get me from Europe... but pays attention to their maps and hotel plans and Sound of Music tour arrangements...
I hope Janelle gets "cultured" with "teas, and music, and mountains, and vespas" like she imagines... I hope Joanna is as buff as she thinks she is (or, that God keeps them safe...)

And I AM glad she called me at 7 this morning. I love that they get a European adventure.

I'm going to set my alarm on July 28th... and drink a lot of coffee while I wait to talk with them again.

I give it a "Better and Better"

2009-06-23T16:59:00.001-07:00

Well... my birthday is happening again this year. I don't have much to say about it, except that 23 is going to be a GREAT age. I think I say that about every age, every year... I think every year it's true. No matter what seems to be going on in my life, I'm firmly convinced of something that my mentor Emily told me once. "Remember Jenna, life just keeps getting better and better," she said. I think that's true.

I think that life does keep getting better and better... through all its shifts, and seasons, and changes... because I believe that I keep getting better and better. Of course, I'm not measuring this on a imperfect<-->perfect scale... if I did that, it would constantly be succeeding and failing, up to about 23 times a day, and I would be moving backwards and forwards all the time. So I could tend to see no point in trying then. I could tend to see life as always, actually, getting worse in that respect. "Let the pieces lay where they fall!" I would shout in that case (hands thrown up into the air with despair plastered across my face).

Rather, I believe that life keeps getting better and better--that I keep getting better and better--because I believe that on a not-much-history-with-God<-->more-history-with-God scale, He is always increasing my portion of life...

I am always getting more life with God. Perfect or not, clearly improving or messy and lying melted to the floor, I have more history with God today than I did yesterday... and my life contains within itself more of Him than it ever has before...
and that, my friends, warrants a "better and better" in my book...

Because more history with God... now THAT is what I cannot lose with age or failures in worldly perfection... I cannot lose that through tragedy or poverty or illness or regression... I cannot lose that when things are taken from me, or when I have lost what used to make me comfortable or what I thought was supposed to get me through life... I cannot lose that by being unsuccessful. I cannot lose that by being ugly. I cannot lose my history with God in time. And I cannot lose it in life...

And that is what my life is all about... it is about getting better and better by getting more and more full of--shaped by, guided by, known by, given by, grown by, forgiven by and encouraged by--this history with God...

...and that is what makes me glad for my birthday.
...I'm glad I was born to have a history with God.

So here's to year 23~

Life just keeps getting better and better!

(...no matter what.)

And then there's my sister Jo...

2009-06-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

...who is the coolest person I've ever met. She's sixteen. She plays basketball, water-polo, the drums; drives my Jeep when I'm home; is in "advanced" drama class and on the swim team. She and her best friend, Kelci, made a video for English class--"Lord of the Flies." I watched it. I almost peed my pants. That's enough for now.

We shared a bathroom.

2009-06-10T16:09:00.000-07:00

My sister Janelle is graduating from high school today. We were just in my car two hours ago, and I was pouring out my heart to this young woman who, fourteen years ago, would have only been hearing, "there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead, and when she was bad she was very very bad, but when she was good... she wasn't much better..." (I know--that's not how the rhyme really goes. And, I know--I was awful to her). But now, her ears were taking in my angst and musings. She is so grown up. I couldn't believe that the girl sitting in my passenger seat was the same girl that used to demand her "big-girl make-up case" come with her in her car-seat. Now, she only demanded I understand that I have impacted her.

You never think you impact your sisters. You just think you live with them most your life, and then figure out you really have enjoyed doing so. But I guess it makes sense that you could impact each other--you see almost everything, and you hear almost everything, and what you can't see or hear, you have in intuition and insight built upon shared contexts and experiences. Janelle and I shared a bathroom, so our list might be even bigger.

We used to get ready for our days together... for school, for work, for coffee shops and secret dates. In all of our "preparing-for-the-world-outside," I guess she had admired a couple things about the way I always prepared. I guess I impacted her. And after talking to her today, I realized how much she's impacted me.

I've always known how beautiful she is--I've always known how gentle and kind and genuinely caring she is. I've always known how God is her God, and how I would be astounded by His work in and through her. I just didn't know how much I would need all of that around me. I didn't know how much I would need to be impacted by her... then and now... fourteen years ago, two hours ago, and in all our shared time between.

Now she is going to impact the rest of the world. She is going to show it what beautiful means. She is going to show it how God adorns and lavishes beauty upon His already-beautiful creations, just because He wants to... just to celebrate. She is going to decorate His beauty, just because He's asked her to join Him in His delight. She is going to make others feel just as beautiful as she is... because that is Janelle--the girl from the car-seat, the young woman from the passenger seat--decorated by God and determined to help others know that they, too, are beautiful like her.

Janelle has applied to Milan Institute in Fresno. She moves down there and begins her cosmetology classes in August... When she graduates tonight from the same high school that I went to, it might hit me again how much of our lives we have shared, and therefore, how much we really have impacted each other. But right now, I'm just so glad we prayed for each other two hours ago. Whether it's true that I showed her something about preparing for the world or not, I know that my sister has shown me (scribbled on post-its, stuck to the bathroom mirror) to "trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, leaning not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
That's her favorite verse...

You never think your favorite verse impacts your sisters. You just think you have a favorite, and they know you like it a lot, and you may get it scribbled in cards or on post-its (to stick to your bathroom mirror). But I guess it makes sense that my sister's favorite verse is exactly what I needed to hear. And it's exactly what I've seen displayed in her life--even two hours ago--even as she, also, prepares for "the world outside."

"Because He is a God of the impossible."

2009-06-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Other than a unique season of life or an extra intense... uh... tummy-ache time... there are about two things that make me cry. And I can pinpoint them every time they happen:

1) When I am missing someone or feeling a profound sense of loss and
2) When I am deeply inspired or moved by a story... then, it is all moved up and out my eyes.

So when I felt the inspiration trickling out my right eye yesterday, it didn't surprise me very much. Nathan's grandpa had stopped by our office during staff meeting, and I witnessed one of the most inspiring things I've seen in a while...

I wish I could paint or draw sometimes, because I would have painted what will now have to just remain in my mind's eye. I would have painted Nate kneeling by his grandpa's chair as this wise pillar of faith told stories about the wonders and power of God constantly displayed in his life. I suppose I could try to retell some of them, but it would do justice to neither the moment nor the stories. If I could paint, I would have painted a grandson, wide-eyed and smiling, so gratefully and respectfully gleaning whatever he could from this wise old man. Instead, I'll only try to paint with words what I saw when I saw Nate kneeling by his grandpa...

I saw a generational story... I saw a story of faith--both God's and the family's... and a story of heritage--a heritage of following God wherever He goes and of seeing His way with vision and humble service. I saw a Moses story, passed down from grandfather to father to son... and I saw different contexts, different times, different styles even... but the same heart.

Because Nathan and his grandpa have the same heart. They have different hair-cuts, but they have the same heart.

It is a heart that seeks. It is a heart that listens. It is a heart that serves and desires and pursues the God of the impossible as He has searched the earth and found the Edwardson men. It is an invaluable inheritance... this heart that has found its way into the Redding community after traveling the world. And it is an inspiring story... this story of God-dreamers who have continually witnessed God's miracles and provisions in what seemed to be impossible circumstances.

I saw Nate reach his hand up to his grandpa's shoulder, and I listened as he prayed for a blessing over the man who had undoubtedly been praying for blessings over Nathan even before he was born. I was moved by this thought. I was moved by the whole thing. So yesterday, I knew that I, too, had to glean whatever I could from this moment. Because how many times do you see pictures of such legendary generational stories right in front of your eyes?

...Especially now-a-days... among a generation that has forgotten about heritage--that has been turned off to honor and the stories of God's movement.

That's one of the things Nate's grandpa said yesterday that I wrote down: "You have a unique church," he told us, "unique enough that it is just the one for Redding--for anywhere in America right now, really... because, you know, there are plenty of churches easily accessible enough for the elderly and the middle-aged, but the generation that is needing to be reached so badly right now is the one that's been turned off to God... and they need to be turned back on again..."

And then he said this: "Bible says, 'Ask largely that your joy might be full'... and if you're hamburger people, you can live on 'em. So keep asking God... Because He is a God of the impossible."

Then Nate leaned over to me and said, "Write that down." And I nodded, already mid-quote...

It was great having Nathan's grandpa at staff meeting yesterday. It put some things into a good perspective. And put some extra inspiration into me.

Oh yeah, and another thing he said that I'd say is worth noting:

"Remember--'The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, will quicken your bodies...' Boy! That's a great truth!"

...Yes...Yes, it really is.

Nate says that his grandpa always says, "The secret of man is his source."

Yesterday, I think we as the Stirring staff got to know a little more about grandpa's source...

...And He is "a God of the impossible."

Nathan's grandpa

2009-06-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

Nathan's grandpa came to staff meeting today. He's an amazing man of God, and I can see where Nate gets his passion and heart for God's work from.

I haven't blogged in over a week. And this isn't going to count as a real post...

...I just wanted to say that I think Nathan's grandpa is awesome and that my next blog is going to have some of the things he said today in it. I wrote them down.

That'll probably happen tomorrow.

Peace ya'll.

If I could gain anything...

2009-05-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

I probably shouldn't be on the computer right now... it's my Sabbath today. Are there rules in the ten commandments about being on your computer during Sabbath? Probably... maybe the part that says "...to keep it holy." But that only makes me wonder what "holy" is anyway...

Well, until God speaks more clearly to me about this (or convicts me to the point of no escape, like He has to resort to sometimes), I'm going to write a blog about Him in the middle of my Sabbath today. Because I started my Sabbath with these thoughts about Him, and they are continuing strongly. And I blog when these kinds of thoughts continue like this. I don't know what else to do sometimes... it's just what I have in my hand...

So, this is where you would find me if you walked into my room right now...

You'd see the back of my head--hair all pony-tailed up and slightly dancing by the command of steadily descending air from my ceiling fan. You'd see my awesome, little vintage desk pushed up against my awesome, yellow-painted wall, underneath this awesome, creatively-painted sunset scene on the 3x4ft canvas that I pretend is a window sometimes. You'd see me sitting at it, on my laptop, typing this blog as if it were an email to a long-lost triplet I just discovered I had...or a letter to the President, inquiring about the mystery that is gas-prices. And you'd probably see the T.V. to my right, the tiny electric guitar amp to my left, and a few un-hung pictures awaiting my constantly stolen attention. But more than anything else, what I'd hope you see, and what you'd EVENTUALLY see (if you ventured into my room further), is the true grace and generosity pervading this place in which I currently dwell--this place that has been handed openly to me with blessing upon blessing poured all over it--this place that the Gafners have revealed the hospitable heart of God through and have welcomed my wandering, terrified, graduating-and-growing-up new self into. And where, every day I can depart and return rest-assured that, indeed, the Father does provide. He has provided for me my whole life, and He continues to provide for me as though I am sufficiently and quite excellently earning it all.

...But I have never earned any of this... And in all my efforts, I have only found the part of me that deserves a sufficient amount of reprimand and probably "a good spank on the bottom" as my mother would say... In all of my efforts, the only thing that I have found to be sufficient is His GRACE. His grace upon grace upon grace... that He has only ever poured and poured and poured onto me. I had never dared to ask for it... Fortunately for me, He had never dared wait until then to give it anyway. And so all I find now, is myself ENVELOPED in it--this grace that has sustained and provided for me. All I find now, is myself indescribably grateful.

And this is where you would find me if you walked into my room right now...

Back of my head, pony-tailed hair, vintage desk, yellow wall, sunset scene, and pictures not yet in place... But hopefully more than anything, and probably eventually... you would find this dwelling place that displays the very generosity of what we have been talking about at the Stirring lately... you would find this example of God's giving and sharing and open hand, that, out of an open heart, gives whatever is in it... And you would find me exactly where I find myself...

Indescribably grateful... praying that if I can gain anything, it would only be a heart that is the same way.

If I could gain anything right now, it would be a generous heart like the Gafners'...

...in whose house I can even enjoy this maybe marred Sabbath ;)

I love Nichole Nordeman! ("exclamatory titles" number 3)

2009-05-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

I LOVE Nichole Nordeman. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. (So I guess if you're reading this, welcome to knowing me). But I do--I love her. I love her voice, I love her thoughts, I love her heart behind them both... I love the way she writes lyrics and puts them to music... it convinces me that God's first language is SONG. I love her songs. All of them (well...ok, there are a couple I skip...but they are ones she only covers anyway). When I put my headphones in at the gym and turn my iPod onto random, I'm BOUND to get a Nichole Nordeman song in the mix, because I have all 128 of them! (Definitely made that number up--but there are a lot. GOOD!)

When the NN song comes on, I just go ahead and change my playlist to only songs by her for the rest of the time after that (still on random of course...it's how I roll at the gym). If it's taking too long to get to one by her, I just go ahead and ch... oh wait--I just typed that. Yep! I do the same thing in both situations.

So today... I didn't bother waiting for either. Instead:
1-Entered gym doors
2-Hung keys on little hooky thingy
3-iPod strapped to (buff) bicep
4-iPod, "Music"-> "Artists" -> "Nichole Nordeman"... "Shuffle - - - - songs"
5-Middle button of iPod to get things rolling
6-"Brave" scrolling across my screen... AAAAH, SO good, but not what I'm blogging about here.
7-"Brave" done. "Even Then" scrolling across my screen. Also SO good. Totally what I'm blogging about here.

...So here it is... because I know I won't be the only one relieved by these words. Because I know that, most of the time, we put expectations on ourselves or project that others have them of us. But even when they are really there, however they've come about, this is what Jesus has been teaching me to pray...

Even Then

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

So, thank You...

Thank You, Jesus. I don't reach You--You've reached me.

...And thank You for Nichole Nordeman. Amen.

I have hair!

2009-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

There are some days when I am very aware of my hair. Not in the sense that I know what it looks like, but in the sense that I have it. Like today: I was walking with God on a path today, and my hair fell to the sides of my face as the wind pushed it slightly forward. Normally, I might just get a piece of it stuck in my mouth as I try flinging it back into place, annoyed and cursing my unkempt mane under the hot sun... But today, it just appeared so un-intrusively in my peripherals that the only thing going through my mind was, "I have hair..." It was then that either the cool breeze or my hair itself brushed over my ears... "And its pretty," I almost audibly heard. I think maybe it was God, but I don't want to put words into His mouth.

At any rate, I have been hearing His voice dance across the path all afternoon... Even as I sit by the pond writing this, He is not being silent to me. There aren't many words, but in the cattail-rustling, pond-splashing, and bird-chirping all around, He is not being silent...

And just like I am aware of my hair today, it hits me that I am aware of His presence with me also... not in the sense that I know what He looks like, but in the sense that I have Him...

He is just there--like my hair is just there. He is on me like the soft strands that fall and brush my cheeks--made known to my senses by the wind that gently moves them. And I have done nothing to acquire this covering--this crown that, were it actually made of gold and diamonds, would be too harsh. Instead, it is simply from dust that it was made, and to dust that it shall return... yet it is the LIFE that God has breathed into this dust that captures the breeze and the sounds and the rhythm of my life, like a true crown should. And it is just there--like God is just there--on me, covering me, growing without any command of my own... for I have done nothing to deserve my hair. Just like I have done nothing to deserve His presence... There are some days when I am very aware of that.

Like today...
Today, I am just very aware of my hair--and of His presence.

I am grateful for both of them.

SEAN'S RIGHT!

2009-05-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm on my Sabbath today...
...per the STRONG recommendation of SEAN GAFNER.
He's right... I've needed one. It feels like I've been going nonstop since graduation...

All GOOD activities and engagements, of course, but nonstop, none-the-less... and I seem to expend quite a bit of mental energy when I'm doing anything. So the nonstop-mental-energy on top of the physical demands really have found me EXHAUSTED at the end of these three weeks. (SEAN also told me that it's hard to actually admit something like that... yep, He's right AGAIN)

But maybe the next time I graduate from college, move into a new place, change my life, lead worship for a conference, let GOD change my life, and staff a missions training week (which also changed my life), things will be spaced out a little more...

Or not...

Such is life. And that's why we need a Sabbath.

Thank you, SEAN.

Thank you, GOD!!!

I'm gonna go for walk... don't try to find me.

Like those who dream...

2009-05-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

So many things changed at the "When God Dreams" conference... things in other churches, things in our own church, things in others' lives, things in my life... so many chains were broken, so many battles were won, so many dreams were inspired and re-inspired, so many people left truly encouraged... God did great things.

Then Sunday happened for the Stirring, and God blew the gates off the hinges--forget "opening them wider"! MORE people were encouraged, MORE people were changed, MORE people were anointed and filled, MORE people were crying out and breathing in--they were MORE willing to give their lives than ever before. I was only there Sunday morning (which was so powerful enough for my own life), but I heard AMAZING stories about the night services too. I wish there would have been a giant earthquake or something that shook all of Redding...just for dramatic emphasis... but God knows well enough how to get His point across on His own...
And He knows well enough how His Spirit impacts peoples' entire lives better than I do... He knows we don't always need giant earthquakes...

Monday morning I woke up with a passion for a Spirit-filled life like I've never had before. And I got on my knees before God and begged Him to just keep filling my life like my life depended on it! Because, it does now... it really does. Nathan and Derrick both said this the last two weeks of our Acts series at the Stirring: "If you 'can live without' the Holy Spirit, you probably will." Well, I just can't anymore. Nor do I want to. So I begged God... I said, "God, you HAVE to keep filling me... because if you don't, then I won't know what to do!"

And that's how it will be for me... I've already seen the evidence. I've already noticed the change.

I also said a few other things to God--some things about dreams, some things about what He's told me about them. And His Spirit will guide me in those just like the days it takes to approach them... Each day I will say to my Lord, "If you keep filling, I will keep pouring out..." For that is all I can do. Apart from Him, I can do nothing...
Wow... Did I EVER think I would really reach that place--the place where Jesus' words find their reality in the very reality I find myself in?
Well whether I DID believe it or not, I do now. And I'm beginning to see how it has freed me...

How it has freed me up to not only live NOW, but to also dream for what's to come. Because I was always too afraid to hope before. Maybe because I was always hoping too much for the wrong thing...
Because I never knew that when God frees me, He frees me to dream too... that when God takes back those that have been held captive, He takes them back so that they can share His dreams of taking back others...
So that they can say among the nations, "The Lord has done GREAT THINGS..."

This is the song that I dedicate to those at the conference this weekend. This is the song that I dedicate to all the churches there and to all God's children that He brought back from captivity this weekend. This is the song I dedicate to our church--and to Christ's Church all over...
As He breaks fears and chains, as He brings back "the captive ones of Zion," may we really be "like those who dream."

(Yes, again, it's a Kristene Mueller song... what can I say? She is one who dreams.)

THOSE WHO DREAM

When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion
They were like those who dream
And their mouths were filled with laughter
And their tongues with joyful shouting

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things
We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things

More than the watchmen wait for the morning
Our souls wait
Our souls wait upon the Lord
For with Him is loving kindness
And abundant redemption

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things
We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things

Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things...

My friends, my brothers and sisters, my fellow freed-captives...
Let's be like those who dream.

The Lord HAS done great things!!!

I happen to agree...

2009-05-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

I have this friend named Aubrey who turned twenty-years old today. She's got the most amazing heart I've ever encountered... so I always feel like I'm encountering God's heart when I'm with her. She loves God with all of it... maybe that's why. Sometimes, I have to encourage Aubrey, because He has called her over and over again to be so brave. But I know that even if I wasn't there, her heart would find its way into His presence anyway... because He has called her... over and over again...

Once she thought she was asleep. But God told me to tell her that she was just waking up...
Once she thought she was a failure... but He wanted her to know that His love never fails.
Once she thought she had nothing to offer; but her Lord speaks differently about her--so she's learning to let what He says be true...

She's not just sleep-walking, forgetting, and merely existing as the backdrop to someone else's story of "making an impact" and legacy-leaving... NO...

She is sleep-WAKING, remembering, and stepping onto the scene of this grand play that God has been making her life into all along. She IS the "impacter" and legacy-leaver. But it's hard for her to watch her own story AND be in it at the same time...

So, sometimes, I have to remind Aubrey that these last twenty years are more beautiful than she can see. And that the next twenty years are a kind of beautiful that only God can see for now... In fact, they are a kind of "beautiful" all their own--because they belong only to God as ONLY He can see them. He is giving her HOPE because He sees the life they hold. He is giving her COURAGE because He sees how big they are. He is giving her FAITH because He sees how she will grow. He is giving her DREAMS because He sees how her heart is just like His...

And that describes my friend named Aubrey well--a daughter with a heart just like her Father's.

So these coming years may have moments where, to her, they seem mundane or scary or digressing or... impossible...
But I know that, to Him, they will always be incredibly more than they seem... incredibly more full of possibilities than she knows.

And, to me, these coming years in her life will always be HIS...
Because, no matter what, she has always been His. No matter what... these coming years are already so very BEAUTIFUL. Because, like her past and her present, He already sees them as so very beautiful.

I happen to agree with His point of view about this particular story--about this particular story of this particular friend of mine.
Because, from what I know, God's opinion is a very good thing to trust.

And Because, twenty years ago, God's opinion saw my friend Aubrey as a very good thing for the world...

And yeah... I happen to agree with that.

Happy Birthday, Aubrey. He is making you a mountain.

This is the day.

2009-05-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

"This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
-Psalm 118:24

This is the day...

This is the day the Lord has made.
This is the day my whole life changes.
This is the day my new song begins...

This day I will give to You, Oh Lord--
My Help and my God,
Who brings me life...
And if I do not praise--
If I do not sing--
My bones cannot contain this fire...
So Spirit come and be my voice.

This is the day the Lord has made...
This is the day my whole life changes...
Spirit come and fill my bones...

This is the day my new song begins.
__________________________________

"If no one else will, then I must say... I love the Lord Jesus with ALL MY HEART."
-Florrie Evans

Amen...

...And His I'll be

2009-05-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

Did you know that perfect love casts out fear? Of course, this is hard for us to grasp as humans. We love imperfectly, and we are afraid a lot.

But lately, God has been speaking about how His love is perfect—and this perfection is more than just a state of being. His perfection is an act of completion, of fulfillment. When God perfects, it is a fulfilling kind of completing act, which, really, leaves no room for anything else other than the fullness and completeness of whatever He is perfecting in us. It’s like—He’s redeeming so FULLY that anything else but His will and presence must go.

So this is the kind of perfect love that He’s been speaking about. The kind that makes fear go.

At the 'When God Dreams' conference this weekend, we talked all about fear and courage and encouragement and discouragement… and how there is a war RAGING for a generation upon which God wants to re-release His anointing of “why-not?” dreaming and also His anointing of ENCOURAGEMENT. We talked about how fear and discouragement are two of Satan’s primary weapons and how he tries to frighten and disarm us out of our intimately-connected-to-God dreams!

As we were talking about all this, I just couldn’t get out of my head the fact that perfect love casts out fear. We talked about fear, and we talked about courage—we talked about discouragement and we talked about encouragement. We talked about a community of encouragement, and how very important it is for us all to be both cultivating and surrounding ourselves with such a community. We also talked about God’s presence… and how in God’s presence, encouragement reigns… and if God is calling us to dream things that are scary, to dream things that are BIG, to dream things that have never been done before, or…just that we have never done before… we WILL face fear… so we will need to learn how to have courage in the face of that fear... we will need to learn how to get in God’s presence, let Him speak, hear His voice, feel our fears leave… we will need to learn how to be God’s…

That is what I’m learning—through all this romancing and calling and encouraging that He has been doing in my life—I’m learning how to be His. And I’m convinced that in His perfect love, I am His more fully than any fear could ruin. Because if I let Him draw me into His perfect love, than I must also let Him drive out fear… I must allow Him to love me so fully and completely that there is no room for fear anymore. I must allow Him to cast out fear, so that His love may be made complete in me… and through me, His love may be made more complete in others. It is my desire to be encouraging to others in this way—to put COURAGE in others in this way—but He is speaking so clearly that I must first allow Him to put courage in me… By His presence, by His truth, by His voice, by His grace, and by His perfect perfect love… Mmhmm, I must allow Him to put courage in me by His perfect love…
And in EVERYTHING, I must remember that He will cast out my fear.

…then I can more fully be His.
…then I can more fully live.
And then I can more fully live His DREAMS…

Of course, if I’m going to enter into this kind of love with Him, it means that I have to let go of some things... some things that are surface probably, but mostly some things that are deeply, DEEPLY rooted in me (which, the surface things are usually just reflecting). I am going to have to let go of what God's love casts out. I am definitely going to have to let go of what God's PERFECT love casts out... that is, this fear—this fear of man, this fear of inadequacy, this fear of failure… This fear of not “having what it takes”… Because HE says I have what it takes. Because He has chosen me, because He has called me, I must assume that He thinks I have what it takes. And I am going to have to let go of these fears.

But what encourages me a lot is that I don't have to do it alone. HE, of course, is the "caster." HE, of course, is the completer. He started it, He finishes it. He calls me, He wants me. If I let go of what He's casting off of me and out of me, He will finally have me... and His I’ll finally be.

I wrote all of this because He's romancing me right now (like I said in my last blog). And I was thinking about how, though He is acting and calling and inviting and completing... what is my part? How do I respond? It's funny that even MY part has something to do with His part. Even what I do is inextricably dependent upon something He will be doing.

Kristene Mueller sings a line in "Jamie's Song" that won't leave me alone… which, makes sense, because GOD won't leave me alone either. He wants me to be His. He wants me to keep coming into perfect love with Him. And I desperately want that too.

I know it will take time. I know I am on a journey. I know it’ll be a process...yes, God’s acts seem to be such long-bearing processes sometimes... And who can say when God's processes end? But I do believe He'll keep sweeping my fear away, so I think I'll just keep letting it go and keep being His...

Here is “Jamie’s Song”…
You can probably figure out what line won’t leave me alone…

JAMIE’S SONG

She's a sparkle in her Father's eye
Kind of like the moon tonight
She's destined for divinity
Her portion is His purity
And a glance His way comes across her face

He sheds a tear, oh oh
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
Amazing love
Oh she's been found
A sparkle in her Father's crown

Holy Love come raining down
Come storming in, be jealous found
Come violent love
Come stormy seas
Sweep fear away and Yours shall be

And even if He had ninety-nine
That stayed at home and stayed in line
He would not be satisfied
He would still go out to find
The one who's always on His mind
And bring her back, arms opened wide

He sheds a tear, oh oh
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
Amazing love
Oh she's been found

Holy Love come raining down
Come storming in, be jealous found
Come violent love
Come stormy seas
Sweep fear away and Yours shall be...

Unfinished

2009-05-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

.....God is romancing me right now. I'm sure of it. I don't know that I've ever said that before or ever thought I would, but today He came into the gym through my iPod headphones, held out His hand and asked if I'd care to leave mid-workout to come write a song with Him instead.

For a second (but only for a split-second) I thought, "God, how can you ask me to leave something unfinished?"
But quickly He reminded me about the disciples' fishing nets, and I knew I had no excuse not to drop mine...

So I am in the gym parking lot with my car running, writing this down as if I'm some place where there aren't twenty people spying from treadmills and elipticals through gym windows and my car windshield... as if it can't wait until I get home... but i don't really care. God is romancing me, and this is just the beginning of the song we're going to write together today.

Actually, I have a feeling the song started yesterday, with the first line being, "I've left everything for You..."

But maybe I haven't really left everything for Him yet... maybe that's why He's romancing me right now...

...maybe it's not really my gym-workout that's been currently left unfinished.

Just gettin' ready.

2009-04-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

Just gettin' ready for WHEN GOD DREAMS next Thursday... I didn't know how excited I was about it until staff meeting on Tuesday. We prayed and we hoped and we exposed fears and we got excited and then we prayed again... Amazing. I'm so honored to be on staff with the people I'm on staff with. I'm so honored to be stepping into my own dream that God placed in me so many years ago. It's scary though... terrifying actually. But that's one of the things we were talking about--how ACTUALLY stepping into your dream may be even harder and more frightening than daring to dream it...

When you are daring to dream, the dream still seems so far off--so, yes, that IS scary--that IS risky in-and-of-itself... I'm definitely not discounting the courage it takes to dream dreams and have visions and keep hoping for things that seem like never could or would happen. After all, one of the greatest fears we have in life is the fear that our hopes will fail us.

But what happens when they don't? What happens when you actually reach a goal and now must trust that you actually can "have what it takes" to do this thing that once seemed so unattainable? I mean, it's not like what I do is THAT big or impossible...especially with the support and encouragement constantly surrounding me, leading worship at the Stirring is an honor that I have found consistent grace and freedom in. I still place pressure on myself though... probably because I DO believe that I'm stepping into something bigger than me...

At staff meeting though, I realized that that is precisely why I shouldn't be afraid--why I should keep pressing in. Because with all my shortcomings, with all my inadequacies, with all my past failures and incompetencies in certain areas (which seem way-too-often to get more of my attention than my competencies and successes), GOD is still bigger than me. THIS is still bigger than me. Which is very very good. If I fail, not only am I His, but this is also His. He asks me to participate, but in the end... it is still His. I'm not big enough to mess that up. Oh my foolish pride that thinks I could sometimes...

So with these thoughts comes the courage to step into this God-dream that He planted in me so long ago... With these realizations of IDENTITY in HIM (Thank you, TJ Macke!!!!), I think I just may be able to real-ize this God-dream...

I think I just may be able to be brave and risk some more and maybe fail and maybe find that there is still grace and maybe--just maybe--step out in courage and let Him "complete the good work He has begun" in me.

That's all I have to do really... let Him complete something He's started.

Because when God dreams, He does it so that He can complete those dreams.
He wants us to have the courage to dream, but He also wants us to remain in the trust it takes realize them.

So, I'm just gettin' ready for WHEN GOD DREAMS next Thursday...
....and just steppin' into one of mine that is to be realized now.

Peace ya'll. It's gonna be a good summer.

...in list form.

2009-04-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, so I will really quickly.

In fact... LIST TIME!!! (woo hoo!)

1) Graduated from Simpson University on Saturday.
2) Found Danae to say goodbye as she packed and cried and I tried to "stay strong"...but then cried alone right after. Awful.
3) Packed a little and had a grad party and saw some of my favorite people and went crazy and laughed REAL hard and went crazy again and packed again and laughed REAL REAL hard and finally went to sleep Saturday night...finally.
4) Woke up Sunday morning WAY too early...packed up my stuff at the Ho-Jo AND packed more stuff at the dorm before Stirring AM.
5) Went to the Stirring AM with Aubrey and Hannah and my family...and was reminded of the already-home that is re-becoming my home in this new part of life.
6) Cried during worship (outwardly). Cried during the drive back to Simpson (inwardly).
7) Checked out of Morgan-Sharpe, officially. No crying--just denial.
8) Said goodbye to Aubrey.
9) Got in my car. WEPT.
10) Went to Chipotle with Hannah. Matt and Nolan joined. SO SO good. I loved it.
11) Went to the Stirring to lead some worship songs, saw my father in the second row next to my sister and bro-in-law, sat down, laughed at Nate and Dan, spilled my iced-down soda, sang and played again at the seven o'clock, slipped out for coffee, cried on the way cause the sky was so beautiful (must've been an emotional weekend or something), came back, sang some more, felt the Spirit...which was so good...
12) Left the Stirring exhausted.
13) Was welcomed more warmly than I could have ever imagined or asked for at the Gafners' house...and saw my stuff already in my room. Incredible. I am blessed.
14) Went to sleep...slept WELL. Woke up... woke up WELL.
15) Smiled at the kids' early morning laughter and showered without conditioner... woops.
16) Bought conditioner at Target.
17) Breakfast with my father and Joy and Nate and Haillie and Isaac. Haillie wiped her snot on me, and I wiped the orange-juiced wheat toast crumbs off her forehead.
17) Back to the Gafners'--did some un-packing/napping/nostalgic thinking and staring and remembering.
18) Decided to get coffee at Yaks. Because they have wireless.
19) Got coffee at Yaks and got on Yaks' wireless.
20) Wrote a blog about the last two days of my life...in list form.

Now you know a little about my last two days...in list form...
It doesn't capture everything, but it captures more than nothing.

See ya around Redding! Since I live here now...

Different Than Normal

2009-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

Ok--two blogs in one afternoon. But this one needs writing, and the one below this is kinda boring. So here's numero dos:

It's Good Friday... the sky is orange right now. Incredible. I wonder if God does that kind of thing on purpose sometimes... to remind us that there days in history that are important, days in history that are really important, and then days in history that are so important even the skies still feel it. Those are the days in history that change everything about history. Good Friday was one of those days.

The orange sky isn't necessary... I remember that the ground shook when Jesus died on the cross...that the curtain in the temple ripped down the middle from top to bottom...that dead holy people were raised and started walking around the holy city...that God felt it when Jesus asked why he had been forsaken.

The orange sky does remind me, though, that Good Friday is more real than a story I just remember every year. And it changes my reality still today. If Christ's death on the cross was meant to have lasting impressions into the very life I live now, then God knows I need to be reminded of that.

It's not that the sky is blood red--it's not rumbling without a cause. It's not that orange is even significant of anything... theological... or... well, anything. It's just that it's different than normal. And I think maybe that's why I noticed God's sky today... because it reminds me that Good Friday has made it possible for me to be different than normal.

We all know our sins put Jesus on the cross just as much as the Roman Soldier who later realized, "Surely he was the Son of God!" And most of us would probably say that our sins continue to do so every year... But I'd venture to say that the Roman Soldier was never the same after realizing what he witnessed. He probably wasn't perfect but...different than normal.

I want to be like the orange sky. I want Christ's crucifixion to change my coloring. I want His sacrifice to really affect me even today... and I want God to maybe feel good when I realize that He, now, doesn't have to forsake me. I'm not His Son...
but I get to be His daughter... and that does make a difference.

God, you've given me eyes to see the possibilities; please grant me the courage to be different than normal. Amen.

I am richly blessed

2009-04-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm addressing grad invitations, and it's killing me! One minute, I'm thinking "Gosh, I'm so excited...I can't believe I made it through all four years...." and the next minute, I'm nostalgic: "WHYYYYYYY do I have to grow uuuuuuuup????" *whiny crying face*

But I'm not ashamed of this. A part of me is a little proud even...
...not because I've had the best grades the whole time.
...not because I'm only person in the world to ever complete undergrad school.
...and (definitely) not because I feel ready.

Nah... I think a part of me is a little proud because a part of me is thinking about some of the people that might be a little proud of me. Because I've had a lot of great teachers, and I've had a lot of great friends... and I've had a lot of mentors and encouragers and belivers-in-me over the years... but I've never really known how to thank them appropriately.

Maybe I always secretly hoped I'd be rich by now--so I could buy them all cars or ponies (depending on their environmental concerns)... or, yes, even famous--so I could publicly give honor where honor is due.

I don't know if I'll ever get to do those things, but I do hope they are proud of me...

I hope my grandpa knows that I want to be "a great woman of a granddaughter" for him.
I hope my father knows that I'm glad to have inherited his learner's mind...and his love for humor.
I hope my sisters know that I always found comfort in thoughts of them, no matter how far away from home I was.
I hope my mom knows that she is constantly helping me "make it"--that I still kind of need her...
I hope my step-dad knows that I don't know where I'd be without his faithful commitment and grace.

I hope my high school history teacher remembers how she always gave me space to breathe.
I hope my psychology teacher smiles when she remembers how EVERYTHING fascinated me.
I hope my mentors know that I don't take their investments lightly... I hope they know they changed my life.

I hope my best friends know I couldn't have survived school-combined-with-life without them.
I hope the ones younger than me find out someday that, really, they taught me how to grow, more than the other way around.
I hope my professors know how grateful I am for the way they've ruined my assumptions, exposed my tiny worldview, and given me back the pieces with Christ-seeking tools of reconstruction.
I hope my pastors know that I'm thankful they keep pointing me to Jesus.

I hope all these people (and more) know that whatever life they've spoken to me or love they've shown me has not been in vain. I'm not rich or famous by the world's standards...so I can't give them what the worldly part of me wishes it could...
But I am richly blessed by their influences and famously thankful to them wherever I go.

And maybe that's what graduation is really about...
...not showing that I had the best grades the whole time.
...not showing that "I, too" have completed undergrad school.
...and (oh my gosh-DEFINITELY) not showing that "Yeah! I feel ready for the world now!"

No...I've had good grades before, I've completed some things here and there, and I've experienced my fair share of the world...which, I'm convinced I'm not supposed to feel ready for anyway.

Maybe graduation is really more about those people that I think might be a little proud of me. Maybe it's about them seeing me at this point in my life and thinking, "Gosh, I'm so excited...I can't believe she made it through all four years!" Although, they probably can believe it... they probably believe it better than me...

Because they are the ones that would have always believed it for me, regardless of anything shown at my graduation.

I am richly blessed by them...and very famously thankful...

'What are you doing here?'

2009-03-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him,
"What are you doing here, Elijah?"

-1 Kings 19:11-13

That story...is incredible. It has always been one of my favorites. And it woke me up this morning. And, as always, it's been teaching me things. One of those things being that, for whatever reason, God likes to wake me up like this a lot...(sheesh!) The other is that I have a lot to learn about PRAYER...

I was talking to Aubrey about prayer last night, and I remembered that I'm not too sure about it sometimes. I often wonder why I don't just WANT to talk to God more. It's not like He's boring...it's not like He's mean...and I know He's never absent...but sometimes, He does seem so quiet...

This is hardest when it's just after a storm, I think. Elijah knew well the error of looking for the Lord in the wind and the earthquake and the fire...it's not that God hasn't been in my storms, but those so inevitably demand my attention already. And I need Him in those...

For Elijah, a whisper came when it was probably the last thing he was expecting or even thought he needed...
But, it was a whisper. And it was a gentle whisper...
A whisper that drew him...
A whisper that drew him out...
A whisper that drew him to...

It drew Him out of his hiding-cave and to the edge of the exposed-mountain surface. And when he heard it, he covered his face and stood on the brink... I'm sure he was waiting for God to speak--something unmistakable, maybe something more powerful and loud than even the calamities before could measure up to! If I had been Elijah--I can just hear myself--"I better cover my face and not get too far out there...He's grabbing me with this gentle whisper...but I've been fishing before! Uh huh! I know how this goes! Well, good. It's probably gonna be pretty jolting, but heck, I'm used to it by now... Bring it on! OK. I'm...ready..." On goes the cloak, and I follow the whisper out...

Well, the thing I'd hear, and what Elijah heard, wouldn't be matching up to any such description... my fishing analogy would have fallen short. God did not yell louder, or jolt Elijah more than any of the natural disasters would have. And He did not clearly tell Elijah what He had to say to Him after all these crazy things had just happened. Actually, God did not "yell" or "tell" at all... He just... asked.

"What are you doing here, Elijah?"

What was he doing there???

Sometimes I wonder if after a storm, I expect to keep praying and hearing words from God that are blazing and jolting and that literally blow me over to next clear battle for Him... but then when they are not so unavoidable, when they are whispers that I could just as easily keep in my cave with me, I wonder if I do just that... keep in my cave...

BUT GOD (have I mentioned how much I love those "But God"s???)...

But God keeps whispering. Sometimes I wonder if it's just so that I will go to Him--go up to the mountain He's told me to stand on--for the sole purpose of teaching me that there doesn't really need to be a purpose...or it's a different purpose than I thought. Sometimes I wonder if prayer is not as much about purpose as it is about presence. Sometimes I wonder if I don't need to be yelled at or told anything by God as much as I need to be drawn by His gentle whisper. And sometimes I wonder if He doesn't necessarily expect me to always have requests or questions for Him but instead may just want to ask me something...

"What are you doing here, Jenna?"

What am I doing here???

"God, I heard your whisper, so I came out to be with you. I didn't want to miss you pass by..."

Ready?!... BREAK!!

2009-03-23T16:27:00.000-07:00

Ah, spring break...

Feelin better...chillin with Isaac and his bottle...Haillie's proud she can "pee pee" on the toilet...the "couples" (Joy and Nate, Janelle and Tiber) introduced me to The Big Bang Theory...it's hilarious...

Jo's basketball banquet is tonight...she's gonna get about 28 awards...even if she doesn't, I'm still glad I'm here for it and will probably not stop telling her how cool I think she is until she yells at me for using all her tooth paste...but I'll buy her more.

And Alex is gonna experience Kristene Mueller's Those Who Dream tonight by my provision and nagging.

Janelle cut my hair (because I always let her practice on me)...Mom wants me to open my eyes wider in pictures (but I always do opposite of what she says in them anyway)...Nate just said I have a pretty face (so sweet)...Joy just helped clean up graffiti in town...Dad's escorting Haillie around on his shoulders...he's "Teacher of the Year" for our county...way cool...

Emailing my WCS paper...starting my TWM paper...and my NTT paper...and my LLP one...and my other LLP one...

I want to nap just thinking about them...

But break is always good. I'll probably write another song. That'd be awesome...maybe my sisters will help.

And ok, ok, he's growing on me...

Making us mountains...

2009-03-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

Things that happen to grow and shape us are usually more unwelcome than we thought they would be. It's subtle. But, whoever wants to grow when they've found out how hard it actually is to feel the chisel and fire? Maybe we're being made stronger for something that will soon require great strength. Maybe we're being made more humble for something that will soon require us to seek His affirmation above others. Maybe we're being made mountains of faith for what His calling of us demands we learn to stand firm through...

A good friend sat on the bed curled up against the wall and my shoulder one night after realizing this very thing. And, while crying and hurting and bargaining for any other kind of realization than this one, she said something that struck me and hasn't stopped resonating since.

"I just never guessed it would look like this..."

I don't think any of us ever guess it will look like "this..." We think it will be clear as day--we think it will be the most intense, completely life-altering challenge that God will place before us...right in front of our eyes...our giant Goliath. And when one choice seems "so EASY" while the other seems "so SCARY AND LETHAL" we will know that, clearly, it is the hard one we must choose--the luminous way, calling for our immense courage and sacrifice all wrapped up in martyrdom and a radical going-against-the-flow kind of theme song. And we think it may require more physical signs of devotion on our part...like giving all our shoes away, or conquering our blatantly "wrong" addiction, or flying across the globe to a place that will never really feel like home...

But we say we'd do those things. We could if we had to...and if God gave us the miraculous strength it would take. We say we'd do anything, really... Anything really...BIG. What other Christian could judge if it was something really BIG? What fellow Christian mocks the man that "lays down his life for another"? Unless, of course, that laying down of his life isn't as literal as we always pictured...

My friend wasn't sacrificing shoes or drugs or the country she calls home. She wasn't literally sacrificing her life for anyone else's either. But she was sacrificing something just as comfortable. She was deciding to choose something that costs...

Jesus is calling her to follow Him in this--He has a rock for her to climb. It may not look the same as the jagged cliffs she pictured. But it is a way into the heart of God nonetheless. And sometimes it's harder to welcome the things that happen to shape us, to expose us, to squeeze us enough for that needle's eye...than it is to walk away with a grieved spirit...

But our spirits would surely be grieved if they had denied the molding of God's hand.

And while she didn't think following Jesus would look like...this...I don't usually either. Maybe that's why what she said is still resonating. Because, in that moment, I think I really caught a glimpse of the sweetest thing...

...Someone brave enough to let God begin making her a mountain.

[And this song by Kristene Mueller makes me think of her]...

TRUST

It's the sweetest thing,
To trust you...
Just to know You've got everything under control.

It's the sweetest thing,
To trust you...
Just to know You've got everything.

You are making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be shaken.
You are making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be moved.

High up, on a rock, lookin' out at the horizon...
Watchin' as the storm rolls in, wonderin' if my heart will survive it...
And as the waves crash all around me,
And I can't remember what it feels like to be free...

I know You're making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be shaken.
You are making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be moved.

You say,
"I've got you, my baby, oh I've got you.
It's quite the mess you're in, but it's nothin' love can't fix...
...So sit here upon my shoulders,
And watch as it all unwinds."

You are making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be shaken.
I know You're making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be moved.
I know You're making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be shaken.
You are making me a mountain, making me a mountain,
That cannot be moved.

Those things that happen to grow and shape us are usually more unwelcome than we thought they would be. Sometimes, they're subtle. But when they don't look like we guessed they would...when those unexpectedly unwelcome things happen...hopefully we won't walk away with our spirits grieved. Hopefully, we can remember that He's making us mountains...

I've lost it.

2009-03-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yup, my Bible...I've lost it. I checked with campus safety, and no one has turned it in here at Simpson... so I think maybe I left it at the Stirring a couple weeks ago...??? Because it HAS been about two weeks...so so sad...I am ashamed.

Luckily I own others... but they are NOT the same at all. This one is marked up, highlighted front-to-back, holding prayers and reminders and notes of all kinds...
This one is...read... AND it's red.

Ah...such a nice, cool-design-on-half-of-it red too! It has my name engraved on the bottom. It's NIV, which is common and generally appreciated...

If you've seen my Bible...I'd like to know it's safe and sound and where I need to go to get it back... :(

Anywhere--I'll go.
Across town? SURE.
Scavenger hunt through the mall? Fine--I can suffer through that.
Climb Mount Shasta? YES. I'll do it...if my Bible is at the top.
(I probably wouldn't eat celery to get my Bible back though...being honest about that right now...)

I feel...incompetent without my Bible. I even got a new, free planner from Darby so I could re-organize my life for these crazy last 18 school days of my entire undergrad career! But I'm sitting here looking at it, entering in important dates, upcoming events, my 7 papers and 3 final projects due by the end of the semester, and all I can think is..."I'm going to fall apart without my Bible..."

I think my journal is with it, too.

The worst two things to lose right now during this season of lent and reflection and the-scariest-time-of-my-life...
If I get them back, I won't ever take these two things for granted again!!! (And I will more seriously support those who translate and provide Bibles for others around the world).

Oh gosh...my Bible could be ANYWHERE!!!

Have you seen it lately???

Oh Jonah...

2009-03-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

I wrote a song while I was sick called "Jonah." Oh Jonah... How very much I have been learning from this man! I feel bad for the guy, though, and the bad rap he's always gotten in Sunday school... the guy who didn't obey God... the guy who so foolishly tried to run away from God... the guy who caused a storm and finally got thrown overboard... the guy who Moby Dick threw up...then who preached...and hated that it worked! Then who lost his shade-providing-vine to a God-provided worm...

This poor guy- I was thinking about his story today, and I thought, "I bet Jonah changed a lot later on in his life. We just don't hear about it because, well, usually people only remember and tell about your faults." But his is a story we learn from, nonetheless, and I am learning a lot.

I do think that God was so patient with Jonah, despite the CRAZY catastrophes that pile up against him. He let Jonah run, but He did not relent His love. He let Jonah hide, but He sought out that "lost coin" of a man as if Jonah were the only option for sending. And He let Jonah sleep, but He shook him awake with "a bump in the night." Then a big fish swallowed Jonah. Then he cried out to God.

And even after getting spit out onto dry land, Jonah still had his tiff with God... for, what a merciful God Jonah knew him to be...

God's grace and compassion meant that Jonah would finally obey and spread some news to Ninevah. And those Ninevites would repent to receive God's grace and compassion themselves. "Slow to anger, abounding in love."--Jonah knew this to be true of his God... he knew it because he had experienced it himself.

And he's STILL resenting God's forgiveness of them??!

Oh Jonah...don't you remember that you "once were far away" too? Don't you remember how, like the rest, you "were by nature an object of wrath"?? But, "because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy" didn't relent, sought you out, woke you up, swallowed you, released you, called you again, and used you... Oh Jonah...
...Do you really still think it is only something He does for you???

Or can you hear God's whisper in your ear--"By the gift of grace given you through the working of My power"...this grace given to you "to preach to the Gentiles." Oh Jonah, by the power of all the unimagineable things God has done for you, "make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things." Because, is it not His intent that, now, through you, "the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities"???
And isn't it so that you "may approach God with freedom and confidence"???
(Paul writes this stuff in Ephesians 2)

But, Jonah, "it wasn't because of what you have done." Can you hear Him whispering?
"Left to yourself, you would have run farther than the furthest of these..."

Oh Jonah, God has SAVED you from your own imploding nature! And what's more--He has brought out your hatred of those who so readily accept that same Love! When will you learn to share in God's love for...
God's love for you--God's love for them...
When will you learn to share... God's heart?

Ah...but Jonah's not a "bad" guy... he's just a little afraid and a little jealous...

And we all have a little Jonah in us...

In fact, some of us...most of us... ARE Jonah.

Well, for those of you who identify... here's the song I wrote while I was sick... I sang it at the Stirring on Sunday... And I'll be singing it again tomorrow night at Erase the Dark...
...in case you want to hear what might sound like something God whispers to us Jonahs...

Oh Jonah...
This one's for you.

"Jonah"
You've been looking for a sign-
Is your life divine?
Don't ignore all the little things
That I've shown you about my dreams.

Don't run away,
I'm trying to wake you.
Don't be afraid,
My love will always take you...

...And it will make your heart like mine
...like mine.

You say that it couldn't be me.
How could I want so many people free?
Oh but come touch my hands-
It's all a part of my love plan.

So don't run away,
I'm trying to wake you.
Don't be afraid,
My love will always take you...

...And it will make your heart like mine
...like mine.

And you're still too scared to smile-
Hiding treasures just like a little child.
But it's time that you grow
Into all the good that I know.

But don't run away,
I've been trying to wake you.
Don't be afraid,
My love will always take you...

...And it will make your heart like mine,
Oh it will make your heart like mine,
Yes it will make your heart like mine...

...like mine.

Danae freakin' Allen

2009-02-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

I should totally be doing homework right now... I could kick myself. But I'm in the honoring kind of mood...and, unfortunately for Martin Goldsmith, it's going to be directed towards a real person I know... not my Theology of World Mission textbook at the moment. Sorry, Martin.

So Danae Allen...
She's one of those "really-really" kinds of people. Ya know, the ones where you say, "Oh, she's great. In fact, she's really great... yeah...really REALLY great." (Because you realize just one "really" doesn't quite cut it.)

Danae's a really REALLY great person. Inside and out--I could only think to describe her as BEAUTIFUL if I had to pick ONE word. Of course...that's what ALL women would be described as, in one word, if we, as the human race, had to take a step back, take a look at the Imago Dei interwoven into his creation of man-and-woman...we would describe women as BEAUTIFUL. Even in Greek, the word for "beautiful" also means "good", and God says it was "good" (again...as opposed to "not good" when Adam was alone) after creating the woman.

[...I'm not doing a scholarly work here, so settle down if you're wanting to interject the obvious--"BUT God called the other things 'good' too!" Yeah. Shut up. Just listen to my story about Danae...]

Danae is beautiful. But in more words, she's a brave woman who speaks truth, freedom, and LIFE to those that get lied to, become chained, and want to die in their own despair and self-destruction. She's NOT The Savior (I got your back, Danae, no one should get that kind of mislabel!), but she's pointing people to Him left and right.

She speaks truth--but she does it out of such a gentle love--so if it's hard, it's still hopeful; and if it's correcting, you still know she likes you ;). And when all is said and done, Jesus has become the center once more. (Wow, Danae, you inspire me to see the freedom He offers in all kinds of new lights!)

I've watched it for about a year... in the lives and testimonies of the girls she so "motherly" cares for :). Or maybe it IS the fact that she's such a sister-in-Christ to the core of what that means. Because at the end of the day...
Danae freakin' Allen loves God with all of her heart, soul, mind, and strength...

And that's the kind of "really-really" person that points people to Jesus.

If her 'birth'day never happened...

2009-02-21T11:29:00.001-08:00

It's my best friend's birthday today (she has no idea I'm writing this...), but i just got off the phone from leaving her a voice message and was overwhelmed with how crazy-significant her place in my life has been. I'll say I met her sophomore year of high school (since we've both decided that the jealousy-filled awareness of each other freshman year doesn't count... even when I indirectly gave her a cheeto...)

My life hasn't been the same since.

Alex takes life seriously, as I always have... but never to the point of not being able to sit around a coffee shop for hours figuring out different ways of saying, "marijuana" to make it sound like we're speaking some sort of long lost, intense, romance language (You've gotta really get the rolling phlegm behind it). And she takes her faith in Christ even more seriously... but never to the err of shutting out the joys of culture, laughter, and beauty that He gives as such gracious gifts everyday.

I remember the first time I was officially introduced to Alex--outside that good ol' YHS front office, waiting for our parents to progress through the line of the two-mile long traffic that always formed down School Road around 2:47pm. We had a mutual friend, Amy, who has an American Idol voice if I've ever heard one. And Amy (for whatever reason) always dragged me into singing harmonies with her randomly around campus. On this day, Amy was in a City On A Hill mood (as opposed to Celine or Aretha--the more common inspirations). So we loitered around the 'parent-pick-up-spot' gettin our "God of Wonders" on.

...BUT, the reason for "God of Wonders" was no random inspiration at all... in fact, it was pretty intended... I think cause Alex knew I wouldn't be able to say "no."

Through Amy, I was informally (but, yes, now officially) introduced to Alex. And the first thing Alex said???

"Can you sing that 'Lord of heaven and earth' part? Yeah, Amy, you sing the echo... Jenna, you know the 'Lord of heaven and earth' part... it's my favorite part with your voice. Will you sing that part?"

Sheesh. But I did. Cause, freshman-year judgments aside, I had always liked Alex, and I always secretly wanted her to like me.

...They're strange things... people-pleasing tendencies... but sometimes they start friendships that, haha, you realize go a lot deeper than ever being able to "please" the person into loving you. Now, Alex just loves me. It's not all about her favorite part of the song with my voice anymore ;). And I'm not just the timid sophomore looking for some really cool girl's approval.

About me, she knows what's unpleasing--and about her, I know what's not so cool. We actually know each other pretty darn well, I'd say...

...And as I left her that message this morning (my sickly, snotty voice singing "happy birthday" in the most unoriginal, quiet, and boring fashion imagineable) I started thinking, "Boy, I'm really glad God made Alex... twenty-two years ago today, the world got a great gift--I got a great gift... and we didn't even know it yet..."

It's silly, I know. It's simple. But I couldn't help writing about Alex today...Because I just wouldn't be the same if her 'birth'day never happened.

Oh boy

2009-02-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know how life has gotten this way, but lying in bed with a fever on Saturday (snot running down my face, mixed in somewhere with all those salty tears) I figured out that mine... is NUTS. Not in a bad way...
but I really do just want a simple life...

In that moment, I couldn't DO what I needed to be doing... I couldn't "get done" all the things I had planned on "just busting out" over the long-awaited three-day weekend. All I could do was rummage through my bed sheets for a pen that I couldn't find and finally break down from the frustration of realizing that "I don't even know where GOD is right now!" ....SOOOO dramatic. So very reflective of my pent-up, built-up internal battles.

I realized then that I also couldn't go back to my life this way... not in the way that stresses me to the point of illness, not in the way that has me seeing only my failure in every aspect of whatever "work" God has called me to. No--I realized that I must return to my life with FREEDOM. Freedom from... uh... condemnation? judgment? I'm not sure what that looks like though...
Cause EVERYONE judges, and EVERYONE secretly condemns. I DO IT. And I do it to myself as well.

But what God spoke to me--what I haven't been able to put into words until now--is this: "When I speak, you LIVE. When I love, you have FREEDOM. And I want to keep telling you that I love you..."

That's it. Simple.

Why do I try to make myself "better"? Why don't I let Him love me and grow me?
Why do I fear man so much that I want to die when I know I'm letting people down???

Why don't I understand that God does not 'fail' me? (neither in deed nor attribution)
...
And if I am His and He is mine, then I really can be faithful to those we both love...

Out of freedom, not pressure-
Out of life, not condemnation-
Out of deep deep courage, not careless despair-

Out of seeking Him first--the One who is more important to find than a pen in my bed sheets...

That is how I can be faithful. That is the only way I know how to be faithful.

Because if, "I am my beloved's and He is mine."
Then "I can rest assured..." because I belong to HIM...
...I belong to Him...

oh boy... I belong to Him!!!

The blog world needs a quick update.

2009-02-08T10:22:00.000-08:00

If Google Blogger had an update spot like facebook, my "status report" right now would read: "Jenna is doing homework, thinking about her boyfriend, thanking God, doing homework, thinking about her boyfriend, thanking God, SINGING to God, thinking about GOD, *whoa--overwhelmed mind,* thanking God some more (!), working on homework, thinking about Bryan (her boyfriend), *blushing,* and getting more and more excited about lunch, the Stirring, and maybe even writing a song to praise God because He is SO so overwhelming... *the song might be called 'So (so) Overwhelming'* ..."

Of course, I realize the whole point of Blogspot is to give updates like these but in more length and detail...but I need to get back to homework...aaaaaand those other few things that have been making my morning so very good :].

Just thought the blog world needed a quick update--about some of the current blessings in my life...

:D

Some Godsip

2009-02-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

On Sunday night, Nathan said it is ok to "Godsip" about people. I think I agree. I want to Godsip about Nathan right now and let everyone know that I believe him to be one of the most inspiring and encouraging leaders I've ever had the privilege of serving with.

Nathan is my mentor for Ministry Practicum here at Simpson... and we don't just talk about the song set list for the approaching Sunday... or the team rotations for the coming month (which I clumsily attempt to navigate and repeatedly stumble through)... or the unspoken-but-I'm-sure-they-exist ways in which I've messed something-or-other up over the past few months, or maybe the ways I haven't...
...or even some of the vision God has given in regards to the Stirring community's worship...

No, we don't just talk about those things. We, mostly (in fact), talk about how incredible it is to be following after God's heart. We talk about He humbles us, but also how He loves and lifts us up. Nathan tells me, "It's not just about you being behind a guitar"...but that it's about the way God works through whatever I sing, say, or do that is the point of it all...

I know he's right. And I know he means it.
Nathan is an inspiring, encouraging leader.

It is an honor to be lead by him.

There's your Godsip for the day...

Go spread it around.

(p.s. Nathan's the one in the red)

"At 2211 College View Drive..."

2009-02-01T00:48:00.000-08:00

Many good things have happened in my life this semester... and some hard, devastating things... but God has been good throughout both kinds of things, so I have been learning to take it all in strides.

I got to look at the stars tonight, up at Brandy Creek Beach in Whiskeytown. Went with a huge group of friends (steer-headed by the ever initiating and persuasive Matthew Lopez, of course) and we froze our butts off while naming constellations that didn't exist (though, they do now!) and taking pictures as if every flash would be the last blinding light to impair our vision for the following twenty minutes. It's moments like those that make me realize college is an incredible experience to be treasured...even well into the last semester of your senior year.

I wouldn't be the way I am without college...without Simpson, more specifically. Classes have taught me how to think--dorms have taught me how to feel. The Spiritual Formation department here has guided me in so many things, and the faculty and staff, who I owe my ever developing theologically-overloaded-but-essentially-still-hungry mind to, have profoundly impacted my worldview in ways I cannot forget. And because of God's grace--because of God's love--I have overcome things within the property lines of this school address ("Here at 2211 College View Drive..." as Travis Osborne says) that I would never trade for an 'easier way'... Because when I think about God now, He really IS a gracious God who loves and bestows mercy unimaginable...
And knowing this God to the core of my being is what I long for more everyday...what I find has undone me enough so He can be making me over and over. This God does not look at me and say, "Bad"--He has only ever said, "Good," from the very beginning--but He does say "Be made new." With the Word of Christ, God's Voice has resounded, "NEW CREATION!"

At that Voice, my knees keep hitting the floor. I approach God, and I love Him with such a surprising fear--a good fear--while He lifts my face to His and says, "I am making you in Christ... 'If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!' and I am making you in Christ."

I am left on my knees after moments like those...trying to decide if I ever want to leave that place... but God does not leave me there--He does not just speak those things so that I may freeze there, soberly humiliated all my life... He wants me to step into that re-making...and into the new creation of Christ.

...Simpson has been a place where this is happening--for me, for many others. It has been a space to learn--cultivated by those who have looked to see what God is doing and moved by His anointing to participate in some way. It has been a home in which I have learned to listen to the voice of my Father, (though through ears so imperfect), and longed to believe what He says (though through doubts so impeding).

So when I say that many good things have happened this semester, I do take for granted the many GOOD things that have been happening every semester...

It is in this semester, though, that I'm beginning to recognize the fullness of it all...God's fuller story in me...

And it is this semester that has pleasantly surprised me with another story... one about the community of schoolmates, the simple joy of star-gazing, and the delightful blushings of really really (REALLY) good weeks...

:)...

Settlers of Catan

2009-01-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever played the board game Settlers of Catan? It's incredibly addicting. I got the game for Christmas because I learned how to play it at Stacy's house this past summer and had been dreaming about it ever since. When I opened the beautiful red-framed box with the dirt-road and sunset-on-the-horizon scene so enticingly backgrounding the title, I almost canceled the rest of Christmas gift-opening so we could all play it as a family for hours and hours. Then my sisters said, "no." So I kept it on my lap and read the instructions 3 times instead... I still don't think I know how to play it right... the rules seem different every time...

But that only means I need more practice! Yes, I have decided I need more practice at this settlement establishing, road building, opponent persuading, strategic purchasing extravaganza! It is so much more than a game... I'm convinced that if I was ever stranded on Catan and needed to excavate iron ore from the "6" appointed hex, I would know exactly in which direction to point my road and exactly how much wool I'd have to store before making the trade of all trades and exposing my ten victory points for the winning power they hold!! No need to worry though...
I would be a kind and benevolent ruler...
This game has taught me much about benevolence...

Ah...so much more than a game... a peek into the life of the Catanians of old... a reminder that not every resource is free and that, sometimes, you gotta sacrifice the one that may seem more beneficial at the moment for the one that is more rare and valuable to the finishing turn...

So...... Who wants to play???

(I'm actually not good at all. It'll be really funny.)

P.S. Erase the Dark is March 6th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mark your calendars!

"...homework's a-callin' my name...doo doo doo doo dah doo dah..."

2009-01-26T07:03:00.000-08:00

...but I'm making up this silly song instead and trying to figure out why God is SO good to me. I'm pretty sure that's a futile effort on my part... it does make me doggone grateful though.

If you'd like to know, Paul is the homework I've been neglecting for the past 24 hours--very NOT honorable of me! ;) But I can make up for it and explain why this is taking me so long...
Because in this book, N.T. Wright is basically talking about how GOOD God is (which, if you note above, is what I keep thinking about and getting really overwhelmed by. It's no excuse. I know. But God IS, really, overwhelming good). Wright is using Paul's perspective on things like the Creation, the Covenant, the Messiah, the Apocalyptic, the Gospel and the Roman Empire... and he's showing us the Grand Narrative of a God who loves, elects, calls, forgives, calls again (and forgives again), bestows favor, extends mercy, POURS OUT grace as if it were the ocean trying to be contained in creeks... and when Paul writes about these things in his letters, he recognizes the timeless common thread of Christ. Christ who is both the thread and the knot, both the root and stem, both the Object and the Subject of Truth revealed to the world... the God-Person, the Son, Who was always there... In the Beginning...

...and Who was always there in the line of Israel
...in the answer to the problem of rebellious humanity
...in the anticipation of the Torah and its inviting covenant
...in the death of the chains of failure
...in the defeat of the laws of 'perfection'
...in the defiance of the grip of sin
...in the RAISING of redefinitions
...redefining the 'people of God'
...redefining the 'righteous'
...redefining what it IS to be the 'faithful'
...and what it is to be full of faith by the faithfulness of our Messiah.
He is always there
...in His Body of Believers--the church--on earth
...in His Spirit of Guidance and Comfort and Fire... and LIFE
...in His ascended body, in His returning reign
...in His Kingdom, His Lordship, and His embracing but jealous Love.

Oh how I love Christ, this Beginning and End. How I love Him, my beginning and end. He is the beginning of true life for me, and will someday be the end of a life in paradox.

On Christ's cross, I see the crucifying of being justified by works--and I can both see and be seen 'righteous' now by the light of His new Truth.
In His resurrection, I see the hope of living by this Truth, that has, truly, set me free. I rise this morning in the light of Christ, Who rises again every day that we might join His new life...

As Paul recognized: He was always the beginning of life for God's people...and His revelation marked the end of life determined by law. Of course, The Law of God's Love is embodied in Christ... but His redefinitions of what that means has changed everything!

Christ changes everything...

So....... I'm still not sure I want to do my homework... but it's not really homework that's calling my name anymore...
I am going to go read Paul now, because I can almost hear a voice calling out changes in my life from the pages...

Whoa.

Happy Friday

2009-01-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

"I don't wanna churn butter, I just wanna roll down my window!"
Yeah, I'm watching it right now! Ellen DeGeneres stand-up comedy. I don't care who you are--this stuff is FUNNY. And what's making it even better is the fact that Megan and Danae and Hannah are all on my couch (my huge, tan, L-shaped couch). My dad got a fire going...we busted out the tin of three-flavors-in-one popcorn...we popped in Ellen... AND, we don't have school tomorrow...

...this is going to be a great weekend.

My favorite line so far:
"'Does he have it?'...that's what they're singin right there--'Does he have it?' ..Why have I been singing 'Monkey Hatchet'???"

Thank you, Ellen, for some good laughs.
Thank you, Dr. Crosby...for my cavity filling today.
And thank you, Jo, for turning 16 on Sunday...

I'm glad to be home, and I'm glad these great friends are here with me...

Happy Friday, everybody!

...the lost virtue ("Honor..." continued)

2009-01-19T17:46:00.000-08:00

I love that the title of our series right now is "Honor: the lost virtue." The word lost implies that it is something which may again be found. And that honor is a virtue must illuminate for us the transcultural weight that it actually has. Derrick Fleck and Kris Vallotton both spoke on honor yesterday--Derrick for the morning service, Kris for the night ones--and though these two speakers differed in content and style, what they both sought after was God's heart for the healing and bringing-back-together of generations. You don't even know how badly I long for this very thing.

I think about my Grandpa Mann (Richard Samuel Mann), and the mantle that he has passed onto his firstborn son, my uncle Mike. When I am with these men of God, I don't even think about the incredible things they have done for two kingdoms--the kingdom of Thailand, and ultimately the Kingdom of Heaven--instead, we go fishing at 5 in the morning, play ukuleles and rummy after lunch, and try to figure out why my uncle's Mac "isn't working the way it should" (cause it never is...) until Grandma calls us to dinner. Sometimes my grandpa teases me for growing into a "young women" and not being as excited to gut our prized catches as I used to be...and my uncle asks me five times in one day why I don't have a boyfriend... These endearing jests both communicate my place in their hearts as a forever-granddaughter and niece, while affirming my transformation into a lady whom "only REAL men are going to date." It's ok, they don't have to say it much more directly than that... I have always seen past my grandpa's gruff, tough fisherman exterior. And my uncle's stern but forgiving "no"s to our cousin-schemed-requests of visit-extensions never kept me from always feeling welcome into his hugs and approval.

When I'm with these two men of God--I hardly ever think about what they "do." But they, indeed, do treasure-bound things for the kingdom of Thailand, and they have won more victories for the Kingdom of Heaven than anyone sees. If we ever talk about theology, politics, or the state of our world and church today... it's inevitable that we disagree on a few things... but I have never felt dishonored by them nor do I believe I have ever dishonored them myself. This conviction in me that they have seen what I have not seen grows with every visit, every fishing trip, every awkward but humbling "church" talk I have with them. And when Derrick and Kris were speaking yesterday--both about the "healings" and "passings" from generation to generation--I could feel that conviction stirring my spirit... stirring this longing to receive whatever blessing my grandpa has for me!

During the morning service, I wanted to be like Joseph and bring my whole family into this blessing... At the night services, I wanted to be like Joseph's second oldest... and get something I could never have a right to on my own...something so invaluably undeserved.

Would God ever call me selfish for begging the mantle from my fore-fathers?
Or would He call me "Israel" despite what I am rightly named...

Because my spirit stirs for this generational inheritance.

And the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is a God who loves to pass blessings along.

______________________________________

*Below is an article about (only a part of) what my grandpa has done. If you're either bored or really interested, you're welcome know some of his story...
______________________________________

Rural Thai coffee goes global
Tapping int’l markets with fair trade coffee

BY BURMESE JOURNALIST MYANMAR

Hilly, beautiful Som Poy village was once famous for its high quality opium. Now the village is known on the world market again – this time for its coffee.

“After growing coffee, our standard of living is better than before, because people go to work and we do not care about people who use drugs,” said Ta Jabranaprivan, who has never used opium.

Sitting in a small cottage, Ta said villagers now have better infrastructure, a new water supply, a smooth road and more income. During the past, he said, many people were addicted to opium and didn’t want to work. Even housewives and teenagers took the drug.

Som Poy is a village more than three hours south of Chiang Mai, up a sometimes slippery road through thick forest and moving clouds. All the villagers are Karen, and 57 households grow coffee on about 400 to 500 rai.

It is unbelievable that coffee from a remote, small, undeveloped Thai village is gaining a foothold in world markets in such a short time. The truth is that a non-profit organization called Integrated Tribal Development Program (ITDP) is helping the farmers tap international markets by fair trade standards. With the help of ITDP, Som Poy coffee is now sold by Starbucks, a major US corporation, and a Japanese company called ION.

According to Boonchoo Klerdoo, agricultural extension officer for ITDP, each Karen family can produce a maximum of five coffee bags per year, with each bag equaling 1.5 kilograms. Besides coffee, the local farmers grow rice, cabbage, kidney beans and some vegetables.

“Now we’ve got a secure market in the US and Japan. Soon we will expand the market,” explained Boonrat Kijaroonchai, manager of the Thai Tribal Arabica Coffee and Marketing Project for ITDP. “ASEAN countries and New Zealand are included on our list of potential markets. Eight countries in Asia, including Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Taiwan and Korea, comprise ITDP’s targeted market area.”

Som Poy has its own brand name, Muan Jai, which means “happy heart” in Thai. European countries like Netherlands, Switzerland, France and Australia have become new clients.

“Before Starbucks, we sold coffee berries for 6 baht per kilo,” said villager Nam Malakir Khao, 45, who grew opium for 20 years before switching to coffee. “And then Starbucks came in 2003 with the help of ITDP. We got a skyrocketing price and sold at 12 baht per kilo and now 15 baht per kilo. Starbucks is good for us. I got a total income of 10,000 baht last year.”

Tachou Boranath Prayvan, 59, has had similar success.

“In the opium age, I earned a total income of 10,000 per year,” he said. “Now, in the coffee age, I get a yearly total income of 13,000. But neither coffee nor opium is my main source of income. Actually, we grow rice to eat.”

ITDP was launched over 16 years ago by an American agricultural expert named Richard Mann. He worked with the Thai government to create alternative crops to opium for ethnic Karen minorities residing there.

ITDP was also lending a hand to other villages in this region to grow opium-substitute coffee. The region has nine villages – eight Karen and one Hmong – constituting a total population of 675, according to the data provided by Starbucks and ITDP. Ethnic groups from elsewhere across northern Thailand are also working together to grow coffee with the help of ITDP.

In developing countries, farmers’ livelihoods hinge on the rise and fall of crop prices. Fair trade promise farmers fixed prices for their products, whatever the fluctuating prices in world markets. Fair trade guarantees a minimum price.

Starbucks started to buy Som Poy coffee in 2003. Three thousand kilograms of coffee berries were exported by plane to Seattle, where the publicly listed US company is based. Starbucks bought 33 tons the following year. Small coffee shops in Bangkok and Chiang Mai also buy another four to five tons of Som Poy coffee.
_______________________________

*And this is the beginning of my uncle Mike's story. I put a link at the bottom if you want to read the rest...
_______________________________

Arriving by boat from America in the late 1950s with his parents, Michael Mann followed in his father’s footsteps 25 years later. From playing with ethnic tribal children in his preschool days to studying business and agronomy in America, today he is an international consultant for rural community development programs- even in Italy!

The first Arabica coffee trees were planted in Thailand’s northern provinces in the late 1960s / early 70’s under His Majesty the King of Thailand’s & the United Nations’ original opium eradication/crop substitution program for Thailand’s northern Hill Tribe communities. Michael Mann’s father was one of the advising figures behind the initiative. The inspiration to continue his work lives on in Michael, helping resource-deprived villagers through various projects under the Integrated Tribal Development Program (ITDP). Michael started the program in 1990.

“My parents came over here in 1959 supported by the American Baptist churches to work with ethnic hill tribes in the areas of development. My father’s background was agriculture, agronomy, working with plants and integrating this with community structures.” Arriving in Thailand at that time, the 1960s and 1970s saw Thailand at the height of its opium production, farmed solely by hill tribes as an income to live.

(Continuation at) http://www.tropical-living.com/06-12dec/12.htm

It's official...

2009-01-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

...When they say "Attention, WalMart shoppers--" over the loud speaker, they are talking to me. Yup--it's official.

If you live in a dorm, and you go to a prestigious school such as Simpson University, then you might not have the 21-meal/week plan, because you might have realized that you don't really eat 21 meals per week in the cafeteria. You might be on the 14-meal/week plan, because you might not have any food allergies or a no dairy/no meat/no animal whatsoever/no flour/no cauliflower/no chocolate kind of religious restriction or medical condition--and unless you fall into one of those categories, if you live in the dorm, you have to be on the meal plan...

So, I am on the meal plan. Fourteen meals per week. Which means, I save that tiny bit of extra money (21 to 14 meals isn't exactly a huge difference in cost), but I put it towards cereal, milk, and energy bars from WalMart. The extra mullah is good for some other necessities, and WalMart also carries those--deoderant, dish soap, toothpaste, and things only girls need--for cheap. In all my secret jests and ignorant eye-rolls, I picked up that shopping technique from my mom and Becky Weber. And I see it's importance now...

When you're trying to put money towards other things and trying to figure out how to live a little more simply... "Attention WalMart shoppers--" is not a bad thing to hear at all...

So this morning, I was like, "Yes?????"

"Receive it!"

2009-01-14T21:45:00.000-08:00

*Kate Agudo and Heather Smith--"WHAT WHAT!!!" [shout out. right off the bat.]*

I don't play games when someone fills my heart with joy. I let it move me. And sometimes I blush.

Kate and Heather made me blush today... in yaks... luckily, it was a little darker in that back corner. And luckily, I had my scarf in hand, ready for covering-up action upon too-much-nice-stuff-being-said-to-me face-reddening reaction... Like I said, I don't play games--I blush.

Or...in moments like the one during Theology of World Mission class this morning...I'll let a tear or two trail down my right cheek...if the words are right, and my heart is hearing them. If I'm receiving them...

In those moments, the ones like in class this morning, I don't play games either--I let it move me. I let the professor begin to teach about something that seems strangely familiar but sounds so revelationally new--something I feel like I've always known but have never heard. I let him explain it, write it, diagram it, believe it, exude it... and communicate it with a mysterious rush of anointing that I can only think to call "thoughtful passion." And then I let it sink in...this "idea" or "lesson" (or... entity all it's own. Which, is highly mystical... and then again, so is this sort of event)

...but it doesn't just "sink" in--it dives really. It dives, and it moves into the recesses of my mind so powerfully that by the time it reaches my heart there has been emotion splashed onto my paper in ink and an overflow seeping through my eyes as liquid sodium. By that time, you could probably say I have received it. This morning, you could probably have said that I looked "moved". I probably would have agreed with you--"yes, I am moved." If you were Dr. Strong, you would have asked me if I had anything to add or say about his "butchering" of Karl Barth's general Missio Dei thesis regarding the intratrinitarian divine sending within the Nature of God Himself and our invitation to be participants in that Nature via the overflow of God's love (which, God IS Love afterall)... and I would have hoarsely replied (mid throat-clear), "no...no, you didn't butcher it...and, no, I don't have anything to add..."

What could any of us add really? What can you add to the Trinity??

Overflowing Love had moved me in another one of my theology classes...

...so instead, I just received it...

Honor...

2009-01-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

Honoring fathers and mothers, honoring daughters and sons... this is what we want to be doing as a church body. I never thought about it much. I never thought I had much of an issue with "dishonoring" my parents...
...one of them wasn't in the picture anymore...
...one of them I obeyed, I honored, and I knew it too.

And then there's my step-dad... who deserves all the honor I can muster, who I wish I could truly show enough honor to. He's one of the most faithful men I've ever met. And he's not stubborn, or mean, or closed-minded. I hope it will be my honor to honor him in a huge, public way someday... with thousands of people around... and maybe he'll be given a plaque... or a bridge will be named after him. Whatever the case, it is easy for me to honor my step-dad. I tell him all the time that I'm so thankful God brought him into my family's life.

But we talked about something more difficult tonight--something more humiliating (if we're gonna take seriously what honoring someone means). Because how do we honor the parents that aren't faithful, that aren't understanding, that don't listen or care or stick around long enough to do either of those things...?

Nate said we honor our parents not because of their honorability, but because of who they are to us... and because of who we are as followers of Christ...

I won't write much more tonight--it's been a long day. (But Nate also told everyone I blog, so I'm gonna remain honorable to that...)

I will say one more thing for now.

Christ calls us to be humble, and I think (even when it comes to parents who might not deserve honor), humility does not discriminate on the basis of warrant or entitlement...

So:
I think even Christ would wash my father's feet...
I think my mom would sit and listen to Jesus, pour out perfume for Him (and be praised by Him after the harsh rebuke of others)...
I think God is asking me to pray for my step-dad and ask how I can display my gratitude to him and not take it all for granted.

And I think I'm going to bed... right now.

P.S. We have a new series coming up... it's called, "We love. We make babies." Be sure to come check it out. Nate will want you to invite your mom.

Ricola is my new best friend.

2009-01-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

Besides Jesus, I now take Ricola herbal throat drops with me everywhere I go. Our relationship started on Tuesday when Libbie gave me "Honey Lemon with Echinacea" and continues on through the "Lemon Mint" bag Sarah handed me last night.

Sooooooo good...

...Ricola and I are headed to the caf now for soup and hot tea... my other two new best friends...

Don't be jealous. All kinds of things happen when you have a week-long sore throat.

"Riiiiiiicolaaaaaaaaa..."

Sometimes I wonder what He'll say.

2009-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what God will say when He speaks to me. I search for Him in the business of my day, and I wonder if He'll tell me to slow down. He doesn't seem to. I seek Him in the quiet places that are so hard for me to escape to, and I wonder if He'll ask me why I'm not doing something else with my time. He doesn't seem to say that either. It's when I'm busy that I hear the "Persevere through this" as gentle as always. It's when I'm still and quiet that I hear, "This is good." I question God on this..."Why don't you tell me to take a break when I feel like I'm running myself to death?! Why don't you tell me to move when I feel like I'm neglecting my responsibilities?!" Is He that gracious that He speaks to me where I am in accordance to what I'm going through? Maybe He is. Maybe He's not the type to rub in my face that I've overbooked myself...again. And I guess He never really argues when I calm my soul and come looking for Him. He encourages me through my busy days. He calls me to his purposes. He doesn't tell me to go back and change my messy actions--they are done--and I am still His. He doesn't mock my commitments made in overzealous moments--I have made them--and I am still His. I move through my mistakes and He is there to see me make it despite them. I do His bidding. And He loves my rest. He sees my anxiety and calls it to peace, knows my thirst and comes with the water, says my name while I misplace my focus. And He loves what I finally shove to his feet. It takes me a while...but sometimes I do get there...and I wonder what He'll say tomorrow.

I'm sitting on our bear.

2009-01-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

Sitting here...James and Bryan on John's laptops, Matt on our Casio with light-up keys, John picking up Ian from town, Janelle and Jo in town picking up Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for our Narnia marathon (yes, this means two marathons in a row for me--two nights of staying up past ten!). I'm on our big stuffed bear that my dad bought for Haillie to get swallowed up in when she comes over (when she sits on the floor and watches Sesame Street). The fire's going, and we're almost ready to start the reading/watching of these magical C.S. Lewis stories...

We had an amazing night at E.C.C.O. Christian Campgrounds--setting up sound equipment, getting out instruments, leading worship, eating pizza, leading more worship, eating more pizza, packing up instruments, making plans for our Narnia marathon--now, we're discussing the literary topics of personifications, onomatopoeias, and the books that will be compiled from all our blogs once we're dead... and Bryan is plugging his laptop into the Christmas tree... long story...

...and, there are facebook wars going on. Which means... it is definitely time to start the movie. Right after we read The Magicians Nephew out loud to each other. Don't ask.

Prince Caspian, here we come...

First Day, Last Day

2009-01-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

It was January 1st today... well, yesterday (but I'm still awake from the "today" January 1st...get it?). It was the first day of the new year...but it was the last day of my "break"...

Tomorrow (today...uh...January 2nd) is Zion 24, which is gonna be awesome, because it's a 24-hour worship event from 6pm Fri(to-)day to 6pm Saturday. I've got the guys from my Simpson worship team coming down--Matt Lopez, James Spencer, Bryan Henderson, John Ewing--and we're kicking off the event with a sweet set. I'm excited.
So this is good... but it definitely marks the end of my break, per say. Only because this was the last day I really had to do......nothing.

The Zion "something" is a great something though--and it is a great "something" to begin my new year with.

A bitter-sweet moment for me. A first and last day. Which constitutes an all-night Gilmore Girls marathon...I'm milking this in-between night for all it's worth. Before the in-bed-by-10pm routine begins again...before the classes start and the homework takes over my life once more. Before the ever-present cloud of miscellaneous stresses that can only be labeled, "I know there's somewhere I have to be/something I need to be doing" returns to hover above my last undergrad semester...

But, to be honest...

...I miss Redding. And it might sound crazy, but I miss school too. Mostly, I miss the Stirring... EVERYONE. You guys... I miss you.

See you in two days!!

Ah...yeah....the last day... but also the first... (or second.... whichever...)

More than socks and underwear...

2008-12-29T11:01:00.000-08:00

When you ask my mom for some "good books" for Christmas, she'll hand you a catalog and tell you to circle examples. Then, on Christmas morning when you open your gifts, you will open boxes and boxes of books all by the same author of the one or two books you circled in the catalog. This year, I circled a book by Ravi Zacharias. Christmas morning, I got five.

I am, of course, grateful. There is a stack of other amazing books on my desk as I type. Simply Christian, Simple Church, (Quite fitting for this past series at the Stirring), also, Sex God, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, Kingdom of the Occult, Knowledge of the Holy, and Prayer (by Yancey)--these were my Christmas presents this year. These, and underwear and socks and Amazing Grace. Amazing Grace is a thought provoking movie about the story of William Wilberforce and his fight against the British slave trade, which sealed in my mind the thought that human trafficking can be fought. This is not a thought about bringing it all down single-handedly...but I don't think I should just sit by and accept it... I don't think we should just sit by and let it be the way it is now...

Christmas, Ravi, Amazing Grace...and a move against human trafficking. I'm excited to start the new year.

When you ask my mom for some "good books" for Christmas, you'll get A LOT of them... You'll get more than socks and underwear.

"Amy"

2008-12-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

...my favorite one of the Dove videos.

pink sweater, razor scooter, and a scowl...

2008-12-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

No... those aren't things I got for Christmas. But my family and I did get a scowl from the little girl in the pink sweater on a razor scooter yesterday... Because my aunt is bad at directions... and because we all have way too much fun together.

Janelle and I were trying to decide if it's more accurate to say "make a right" or "take a right" when telling someone directions... my aunt was telling my dad directions at the time, so we thought it was fairly relevant.

As my dad is making jokes--probably to counteract the frustration--and my mom and aunt are contradicting, supporting, and repeating both themselves and each other (it's what they do), my sister and I are in the back giggling at the fact that we are in a downtown Pomona neighborhood looking for a Joann's fabric store, which, according to my aunt's directions, has required us to make (or "take") five rights, two u-turns, and cruise around three culdesacs so far. We're asking, amidst all the commotion, what their opinion of our "make" or "take a turn" question is, and (bless their hearts) my mom and aunt take us seriously and try to answer...and try to keep giving directions...AND try to figure out who is going to get the first mixed cd that they've talked me into making them. My dad is still joking on the outside... pleading with Jesus on the inside i think...

And then, we see her... the little girl in the pink sweater on a razor scooter...scowling. She recognizes our car (five rights and a few u-ies get you back to very familiar places) and we have just circled our fourth culdesac in her neighborhood, passing by her lit, candy-cane arch-way for the third time. I didn't want to seem like a scaredy cat, so I kept my mouth shut about the vision that flashed before my eyes in that moment--Little girl rolls up her fuzzy pink sleeves, chucks her razor scooter through our car window, screaming at us to scram from her neck of the woods... I saw it all in that scowl. And I was scared.

Don't let pink sweaters deceive you... be careful whose culdesac you get lost in...

Thankfully, we found Joann's fabric store... half-hour later, not in a neighborhood...

And we made it alive--car windows in tact.

Immanuel

2008-12-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

Immanuel..."God with us."

Yes. He truly is.

Merry Christmas!

Enjoy His presence...

(and His present. I know guys, that video confused me too...)

I didn't know. (Or I forgot.)

2008-12-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

I didn't know that Christmas meant so much to me. I didn't know that God loved me so much. I didn't know that I loved God so much.

(Well... Maybe I knew... Maybe He's just helping me remember again...)

Yesterday, my younger sister's boyfriend came over. He's cool--I like him. He's got blond hair and blue eyes, so I asked him if he was Norwegian... but he's not. He's South African! How sweet is that?! So, yep, Tiber came over. Tiber and Janelle are really cute together, and from what I can tell, she likes him a lot and he treats her really well, so I'm down with this thing. Anyway, Janelle slipped and fell on the frozen-over snow in our driveway yesterday, which means she didn't make it to church. Poor thing. Poor tushy...

Tiber came over an hour later, and we were all singing Christmas songs, wrapping presents, sitting, drinking...tea... (honest). My mom came in and had this CRAZY idea that we could have church in our living room that morning (What?! I know... a revolution is beginning). What's even CRAZIER is that...I read my Bible. Out loud.

...but seriously... here's what's crazy... I cried. No, wait.... I wept. I was reading Mary's song (in Luke), and I had to stop, it was so moving to me. Yeah, right there in front of Tiber, my sisters, my step-dad, and my mom... tears of being moved by the Christmas story, by Mary's song, running down my cheeks.
Then I picked up my guitar to lead some (more current) songs, thinking for sure that it would stop the flow of these consistent drops. Nope. I sang "How He Loves" (so I actually wasn't thinking).

Let me tell you something about why this is weird to me. It's not often that I cry. But when things really move me, it happens. And there are times when things really move me, so, it does happen (logic)(...I'm a theologian, don't be jealous). NEVER, though, do I cry while reading out loud. Not in public (not even in 'living room' public). NEVER do I cry in front of strangers in my house (not even in front of half-strangers that treat my sister really well). NEVER do I cry while leading worship songs for others to follow. But, I do cry when things deeply move me... And apparently, I just didn't know how much the Christmas story deeply moves me.

I was reflecting on this today (right after I asked Janelle if Tiber thinks I'm weird...she says he doesn't...), and it shouldn't shock me so much that Christ's birth holds the power to move me so. I am undone, in fact, before my King--before even His manger...

This Christmas, more than any before, I have realized that God gives us treasures like these: times of brokenness before our family, overwhelming love that moves us to tears, and His very presence that undoes everything we've built up around ourselves (about ourselves, for ourselves). He gives us treasures of humility. Which He so stubbornly wraps His treasures of grace in. And when we receive them into our hearts--where no one can steal from--we receive the very things that make us different from what we would be without Him.

You see, I've been wondering about what makes me so different from anyone else (cause I'm not really). I've been wondering what makes me a sincere follower of Christ (as opposed to a "good Christian...?"). I've been wondering why God would ever choose me for certain things, or call me, or gift me, or anoint me, or keep it up...or...keep with me.

God's been taking away all my answers...and keeps giving me Jesus.

I guess that's why He gave the world Jesus. I mean, I always kind of guessed that...I just didn't know that's all it took....

But that's all it takes--Jesus.

I didn't know. Or I forgot.

Baby Jesus in her pocket...

2008-12-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

My niece--Haillie. She's nuts, it's wonderful. When I got home two days ago, my mom told me that Haillie has a little "action-figure" nativity set, which, I'll admit, I'm not sure what I think of that...

Regardless though, Haillie loves it... and her favorite figure? That's right--Baby Jesus. She keeps him in her pocket. Joy says she pulls him out and just looks at him... adores him... shows him to my mom and my sister... smiles--a BIG smile... puts him back in her pocket... plays with the rest of the set for about two seconds and walks away with Jesus still in her pocket.

I love that she adores him so much. She probably doesn't know it's a baby "Jesus", but Joy asks her, "Is that Baby Jesus?" ...Haillie nods adamantly. No idea what Joy's saying, but she nods. She accepts that it is. She believes her mommy.

Joy and I were talking about how "Jesus in my pocket" might be a bit of a dangerous and stupid habit for anyone else to be picking up... but Haillie is almost 2... and she loves this little baby that is the center of attention in her action figure nativity set. In fact, it is the center of her attention. We could learn something from this little blond, 2ft, 2yr-old, too beautiful for her own good, Baby Jesus lover.

We can't find "Baby Jesus" right now... He's gone missing. Haillie is devastated.
He's probably in a washing machine somewhere... in her pocket...

Incredible.

Christmas Tree on my Thules...

2008-12-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year. I traded in my kayak for a Douglas Fir...
9:30am, Dad and I went down to Coarsegold Nursey and Feed...we picked a beauty. Strapped onto my jeep--tied to the Thule racks--Douglas came home with us.

We weren't sure why it was so crooked at first... but you have to be pretty dang clever with that tree holder...

Now, I'm sitting by the fire in my living room thinking, my dad and I are good tree pickers. My job is to put lights on the tree...every year...whether I want to or not. My family's in luck this year--I want to. Which means I have a better attitude about it. Which means, pleasant, peaceful decorating times and no half-lit, wholly-despised Christmas tree sitting in our living room until tomorrow morning. Good stuff.

I did remember why I normally quit halfway through...as I was circling the tree with lights in my left hand, branches in my right, and pine needles between my teeth. I think putting the tree in a corner is my dad's idea of...funny. This year, though, I made it through the wilderness...(you know) I made it through...

The angel...on top of the tree...don't know if she'll make it. Her neck's a little cramped. Our tree is kinda tall...

He is jealous for me...

2008-12-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

God's presence... my drive home... I can't explain that part all the way... not yet. But He IS jealous for me. And He has love of a jealous kind...

Listened to this song in the car.
Check it--

"Jealous Kind"
by Jars of Clay

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand you

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

I can just see Jesus turning those tables over in the temple that day... we've read the story... but I've never thought about it in reference to His jealous love before...
Incredible.

But--for whatever reason--with me, He always seems to be so gentle...

Jeremy and Megh's

2008-12-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

One of the best places I've ever arrived at. I walked in yesterday afternoon, clothes in hand, to Enya's voice floating over the sage-green rug and acorn-brown couch. Heated air with crisp bay leaf, red cinnamon, and warm winter woods aromas mixed in carried the peaceful "O Come O Come Emmanuel" lyrics to my ears. I dangled the hide-a-key(set) from the empty hook by the door, next to the dog leash. Marley thought I was reaching for it, but then I think he realized there was no tearing me away from this incredible environment. Instead, I came in further... "Turn right at the bathroom" Meghan had said--sweet. Got it. So I put my clothes in the vintage wooden dresser and thought about how blessed I was to be so welcomed here...

Enya called me back into the living room--went with my book and fuzzy red Christmas socks. Then Sarah McLachlan, then Imogen Heap, then...a bunch of other great Christmas song re-arrangers...all kept the warm air filled as I read. My short attention span had me glancing around at the tasteful Christmas decorations Jeremy and Meghan put up that morning. I never knew I would enjoy the simplicity of a little Christmas tree with a little strand of lights and little, little bulb ornaments to such a large amount of contentment. I'd definitely be watching a Christmas movie soon...I could just feel it.

But first I brought my Bible out and read Luke's account of the Christmas story--the best account according to...well, me. And it was all-so good...I felt all-so indebted to, and all-so in love with, this baby the shepherds worshiped and the angels praised. Mary always has my attention in this story too. She's awesome. She was the first to give to this child...but He would soon give her more than humanly possible. I suppose no one else will know what it's like to give life to a child who gives life back--the Child who, Himself, gives life.

I read this story at Jeremy and Megh's, and it felt like a movie--a slow movie I guess--but sometimes I enjoy the absence of action. It felt like...I was loved. Not all movies have much love in them. But if we made "Staying at Jeremy and Megh's" into a movie (ooh--a Christmas movie!), there would be MUCH love in it.

And there would be potato delight and coffee. Two things that also include love.
...Meghan makes great servings of both.

I Answer Myself

2008-12-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

If you've been tracking with my blogs, you've probably read the ones about doubt. I ask a lot of questions in them... or, rather, they stem from a lot of questions I've been asking...

I came across an essay that I wrote two years ago for one of my classes (Philosophy and Critical Thought). I read through it this morning.
In it... I answer myself...

It's a doozy, but if you're in the mood to think, here it is. I was thinking about editing it first, but decided against it--you get the sophomore-year me, unaltered and so full of certainty:

Jenna Barney
PHIL 3010

A Natural Longing to Know

Can I really know anything? I believe I can. However, there are so many questions when it comes to truth and knowledge that we as humans continually find ourselves searching for answers that are tangible, that are "real" in some sense of the word. But perhaps Ultimate Truth is not so tangible, maybe not in the here and now anyway. And it is that longing, the search itself, which has helped me become convinced of at least one thing: Humans are searching to know the One that has given them the capacity to know. It is this search and longing that I will focus on, for I know it can be a beginning to knowledge.

If a person existed who didn't long for anything or anyone, I would disagree that he or she was perfectly normal. Innately, that is what we do as humans—we long, we yearn, we think, or, at the very least, we imagine about things not immediately present or available to us. We sense that there is something more than what we have currently because that is the way it has always worked out…isn't it? After all, as Cornelius Plantinga Jr. notes, "What's remarkable is that [our] longings are unfulfillable…things may come to us…but something in us keeps saying 'not this' or 'still beyond.'" I believe that God, indeed, has made it this way. In fact, here is an example in which we see God exercising His reason, as an assistant to His love and a help to our faith and knowledge of Him. God created us for Himself, and in His love, created us with a yearning for Him. In realizing that that yearning can never be completely satisfied by any thing or person on this earth, it helps our faith in concluding that God must be the satisfier of this deep ache. Not always do people conclude this, but it can be known.

There is a German word, Sehnsucht, which Platinga Jr. also speaks of, and it is used to strongly describe our seeking or searching as humans. C.S. Lewis wrote about what is happening when we experience it: "We are seeking union with something from which we are separated." Therefore, in that separation, we look to something or someone that will make us feel connected to them, and we still know that we are separated…from something. We long to feel whole because we are missing a part, and we ache to feel full because we are never truly satisfied. Yet this is not a bad thing, for it keeps us in anticipation of what God has to offer, whether we realize it or not. And those things here on earth, which will pass away, are not bad either. God has actually blessed us with tastes of Himself, to be found in the beauty of a nostalgic green field or a healthy and love-filled relationship. He has shown us His absolutes in natural laws and revelations. Even as He has created man in His Image, so has He placed in man the communal and relational nature of His own Triune Self. For example, when we long for a union with another that may be what we acquire (and certainly are happy to). However, what comes through that union is what we are really looking for. We are deeply searching for the perfect union that lies behind it—that lies in the meaning of union, in the essence of union, in the union with God.

Knowing that we could not be satisfied until the "not this" and the "still beyond" becomes the "this" and "here" in Heaven, God does provide avenues through which His beauty and glory may be seen for now. Hope is what comes of this—a hope for the day when what our yearnings are pointing us toward will actually be completely realized for our souls. We are nostalgia-embracing creatures, to be sure, but we are that in order to keep the hope alive that perhaps it is possible to "climb back into" what our hearts deeply feel has been lost. Someday I believe we will. It is God's beauty behind those things and people that makes us long for them (maybe again). It is the beauty of their original design and purpose that we so long to see restored. At times, we look in the wrong places, but not necessarily for the wrong reasons.

...If a person existed that didn't long for anything or anyone, I would disagree that he or she was perfectly normal...

I would also doubt that they were telling the truth. For, there is a taste of God's beauty even in this phenomenon of human longing and the "sense of divinity" that our Creator has gifted us with. Paul provides a profound description of how God helps us yearn for His beauty when he writes, "But God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of man except the man's spirit within him? We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us." –1 Corinthians 2:10-11a, 12

My Christmas List

2008-12-07T15:33:00.002-08:00

I told my mom I didn't need anything for Christmas this year. But she still wants me to make a Christmas list. "I'm your mom, I'm gonna get you a few presents for Christmas no matter what you say!" Ok mom. (I love my mom. AND she has a point. I'd want to give good gifts to my children too...I think God says He likes to do that...)

So I'm making a list for her...
Other people have inquired also. For their sakes, here it is:

1)coffee or jamba juice gift card
2)a date to the movies
3)a good book
4)Schindler's List
5)"To Write Love on Her Arms" shirt
6)a pair of Tom's Shoes
7)a mixed CD
8)a card

That's all.

Someone stop me...

2008-12-05T19:05:00.001-08:00

...from listening to songs that make me think so much. I was listening to Derek Webb the other day (if you don't listen to Derek Webb, you should--he'll challenge you--it'll probably be good for you).

Mockingbird. So good.

This line in particular has me glued... I keep pressing "back" on my iTunes... I keep hitting the left "seek" button on my car stereo face... just so I can get to this line again...

"There are times that I believe I’m satisfied
like an intimate connection
despite this bad reception with you."

...mmm, so true. In fact, I'm pretty sure there have been more than just "times" for me... I'm pretty sure it's been...uh...my WHOLE LIFE. Sure, God and I still have a relationship--we have always had a relationship. That "intimate connection" has been there for quite a while. But the "bad reception"... that's been there too. I try to make it good enough... I try to convince myself that this is "just the way things are for me." As if God doesn't want me to hear Him more...

I can be so complacent. SO satisfied with the "low service areas" of mine and God's chats. Sometimes I drive into those tunnels on purpose... (if I can't make out what He's saying, I'm not accountable to it, right?)

And then sometimes I just pretend. I crinkle a little wrapper in front of my little cowardly mouth to make it sound like..."What was that God? Oh... oh no... You're.. yep, you're breaking up! Uh, sorry, we'll just have to finish this conversation later! Bye!" Click. Off to my life.

(I know, my analogy is dumb... heck, it's what came to mind when I started thinking about "bad reception" though. Welcome to my thought world.)

But me and God--yeah, we're working through stuff. The reception may be bad... and it's probably my fault. But for whatever reason, God is patient with me. He calls back. We have an intimate connection, God and I. We just... I just... it's just... not as satisfactory as I always let myself believe.

Folks, don't settle for bad reception. Switch to verizon.
That's all.

(You can figure out the verizon analogy yourself.)

Peace-

My magical flippy calendar

2008-12-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

My flippy calendar... is magic I think. Or, it is ordained by the Lord.

Today... is December 2nd. So in my flippy calendar, I turned to "December 2" (Go to college. It pays off).

Something you should know about today is that I had coffee with Sarah, and I told her about how I think God is teaching me to receive HIM however He comes to me. He's been trumping my common sense and showing me (or trying to show me) things about Himself that are more real than what I've been recognizing. He is teaching me about foolishness and wisdom...about MY foolishness and HIS wisdom.

So today... what my flippy calendar says has to do with the ways that He comes...the forms that He's taken.
And instead of trying to make sure everything makes sense to me, He is teaching me to just receive...

"Advent is also meant...to refresh us and make us healthy, to be able to receive Christ in whatever form He may come to us."
-Mother Teresa

Advent...the hope, the peace, the joy, the love...the anticipation of His coming.

December 2nd. A gingerbread latte and a comfy chair. Mother Teresa's thoughts on Advent. Hope, peace, joy, love. Anticipation. Come Jesus... however YOU know we need, whatever form You choose.

40 billion...

2008-12-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Finally got back to the gym this morning... it's been a while... I was in a really good mood. Then, I looked up from the elliptical, expecting to see the weather forecast, or something about a new tickle-me elmo for holiday shopping updates. Well, I got the holiday shopping update (nothing about elmo--my niece will be so sad)... apparently U.S. Americans have spent 40 billion dollars in the last two days of promoted Christmas shopping. Made me a little sick, I won't lie. Normally, I don't pay much attention to numbers...

...but our school had to go and show this video in chapel a week ago:

Now, that two days--40 billion dollars worth--of holiday spending means not giving clean water to everyone who needs it 4 times over...

...but this is just the world we live in, right?

Well, this year, I think I'm going to be a little change in that.
I realize this may be a bit unpatriotic of me (I pay attention in cultural anthropology class) ...but this year, I think I'm going to enter the story.
Care to join?

"Doubting Thomas"

2008-11-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to the Nickel Creek album Why Should the Fire Die? And I've had the song "Doubting Thomas" practically on repeat. What a powerful, honest song...

"Doubting Thomas"

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared
cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

Doubting Thomas - Nickel Creek

More Thankfulness... "Bolt" with my niece.

2008-11-26T22:01:00.000-08:00

Life just keeps getting better. I took my niece to see the movie Bolt tonight. She loved it... well, she loved the first 40 minutes of it anyway...

Her first movie theater movie... we're sitting in the same seat...she's in my lap, sipping on her "sippy." Then the lights go out and the movie starts. Immediately--"Doggy!!!" Yep, that's my genius niece, she knows what a doggy looks like. I grin proudly at the family behind me. They have a couple of toddlers too...but not a peep out of them. That's right, my niece knows what a doggy looks like... they don't.

She keeps talking to the screen. It's great. Other children are joining in now. The five of us over the age of seven are outnumbered... so we accept the fact that this will be one of those interactive-type movie experiences.

I'm biting the kernel part off of the popcorn like my sister told me to and giving Haillie the puffy white parts to eat. She bites my finger a couple of times... but then Bolt does something funny, and Haillie's sweet giggle keeps me from cursing her teeth under my breath. I love Haillie. If she knew she hurt me, it would be waterworks for the rest of the night. So I'm glad her giggles calm me down.

Forty minutes into the movie--sippy cup hits the ground, soft little cheek squishes against my sweatshirt. Yup, she's out. Not even Bolt's super-bark can wake her now...

So me, the mom and dad behind me, the two fifty-year-old ladies in the back row, and the 300 (wide-awake) toddlers finish the movie while Haillie naps. It makes sense... she skipped her nap earlier today.

Like auntie, like niece...
movies are great nap times...

20+ Things I'm thankful for this month...

2008-11-25T19:57:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for Oakhurst. I love driving home to Oakhurst--as soon as Mariposa turns into Awahnee, and Awahnee turns into Oakhurst... Then comes Deadwood... my mountain... I call it "my mountain" because that's what I drove up and down every day (to school and back, to work and back, to practice and back, to church and back... to Vons and back). As soon as Awahnee turns into Oakhurst... I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I'm also thankful for Redding... for Simpson... I have learned things in Redding and at Simpson that I never thought I would even attempt to understand in my lifetime. People there have impacted me... and the sunsets have astounded me. God has moved in my life in the most mysterious of ways there... but He has also drawn me closer to Him than I ever knew He wanted me.

I'm grateful for good friends. I'm grateful for the Stirring... and life groups...

Maybe I'll make a little list for now (for Meghan) of other things I am currently appreciating ;).

1) sweatshirts (don't worry, these won't be in order of importance)
2) good soundtracks
3) blankets available over the back of couches
4) humor
5) guitars
6) popcorn
7) ...popcorn bowls
8) novels
9) autumn
10) sisters
11) and cousins
12) card games
13) "the electricity is out" nights
14) "sing-song" monopoly (with sisters) nights
15) kindred spirits
16) insight
17) hindsight
18) sight
19) my running shoes
20) coffee

Of course, there's so much more. But it's time for me to pop some popcorn. Did I mention that I'm thankful for popcorn?

Kate's voice

2008-11-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

probably looks like this:
On days like today, when it's so gloomy and just wet enough to not wear your good shoes outside (if you have good shoes...), I get caught between wanting to stay in bed and reading (well, ok, watching movies) or being super productive and plugging away at papers that are due soon (way too soon).

Instead, I cleaned my room and wrote some emails. Which was good. My room needed cleaning. And I like writing emails. Mostly.

Here's something else I did: my laundry. That's right, people--clean clothes--I will be wearing clean clothes for the next week or so. Also good.

AND, finally, (now, this was all before 9am) I got to see my wonderful Katelin this morning and finish up a song we've been working on together, and it's AWESOME!! Kate Mentink has an incredible voice. If you've never had her sing to you on a rainy day to some jazzy chords while you're sipping on (the closest thing you could conjure up to) a latte, oh boy...you are missing out. I got the chills this morning.

Kate's gonna be my back up singer on my.... whatever the heck I end up having for her to be my back up singer on...

I'm thinking about buying a studio for the soul purpose of having Kate be my back up singer on something. Seriously.

And then we will switch spots, and I'll back her up. It's what friends do.

I bet Kate's voice looks something like that picture up there...

I wonder if God has a favorite song.

2008-11-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

A song is a beautiful thing. I'm no music major (I don't even know how to read music), so I can't tell you why exactly. I just know that something happens when I strum that guitar and fumble my way through a melody... It's like... more than just my voice comes out. But what I think is so beautiful about songs is the fact that even God sings...

"God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer." Psalm 42:8. Incredible.

Even God sings. And He sings over me. All through the night!
Now, I've never been a huge fan of nights (vampires come out at night). But maybe if I remember that God is singing...

I wonder if God has a favorite song...

Ten bucks says it's "Jesus Loves Me"

November 13

2008-11-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

This is what my flippy calendar says today:
"Very little is needed to make a happy life" (-Marcus Aurelius).

Only one thing is needed, actually...

"My heart says of you, 'Seek his face!'
Your face, LORD, I will seek" (-David, Psalm 27: 8).

...One thing.

And that one thing can be seen in the others--in the "very little" that indeed make for a happy life...
but may God still be my focus...
God, be my everything.

I guess if I look at it like this:
The less I have, the less I have to struggle to see God through.

"Very little is needed to make a happy life"... yeah... I think he might be onto something...

Ephesians 4:1-3

2008-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Can we please ALL read that again???

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

This is my prayer for the Body of Christ:

My heart is breaking for so many things. I cry in my bed because I don't understand how we could all talk about our wonderful Jesus (ah...and I love Him! We ALL love Him, don't we?) and about healing and acceptance and love; yet be so gossipy, envious, bitter, allusive, and unforgiving towards each other. It's sneaky...it's clever...Satan knows what he's doing...it's never as obvious to us, ourselves, as what we think about when we speak of that stuff. And of this very thing, I am guilty.

It breaks my heart.

Let's ALL read Ephesians 4:1-3 again.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

I don't care what our "reason" is. I don't care what our "boundaries" are. I don't care what our "wisdom" tells us. It's not an issue of reason--it's not a game around boundaries and wisdom. I want us to listen to the wisdom of Jesus--the humility of His way--the openness and patience and willingness to "bear with" the other in love...

I want us to give second and third and fourth and fifth and seventy-times-seven chances.

I am so close to saying, "God, Can't we all just get along?!"

Then again, I guess this could just be coming from the peace-maker side of me.

Lord, hear my honest plea--I'm not asking that You help us "sweep" all our conflicts "under the carpet." But help us put our effort toward fighting for peace with one another rather than avoiding and begrudging each other...

...maybe I just don't understand.
...maybe I am just naive.

But if You hear nothing else... at least hear the child in me that wants to see her friends next to her, being welcomed into Jesus' arms too...
...there in the "unity of the Spirit."

Oh Ephesians 4 :1-3...

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Can't we all just...read that again?

Ya know those mornings?

2008-11-05T13:37:00.000-08:00

The ones when you feel like you're in fifth grade again? Back before the world was all explainable by "science"? (Nacho Libre, people, it's deeper than you think). Back before we had to see things from different perspectives... back before we knew there were different perspectives...

I like those mornings. Though I know they cannot last. Yesterday morning was one of those mornings. And coupled by the fact that it was election day, I definitely DID feel young and stupid again. I woke up early (it was Tuesday), and I "did my thing." Already, I knew yesterday was different. At the gym--aside from the fact that Kieth Urban, Garth Brooks, and James Taylor's faces were on about five different t-shirts--I could just sense people "pumping themselves up"...meaning more than on the bench press...

Yep. Election day. Nobody wants to talk about it, but everybody wants to know: "Who are YOU voting for?"
(Eh, now we know)

Well, I wasn't thinking about that question yet. I was at the gym. And my iPod was the only noise-making, thought-provoking thing ringing in my ear... I wasn't ready to face the world yet. I wanted to be in fifth grade again.

I got done at the gym and walked outside. FREEZING. But I loved it. I loved the smell. It smelled like snow... even though all the snow is very far away... (Mt. Shasta's calling my name)

When I was in fifth grade, it would start snowing halfway through the day. I'd sit in my little Christian school classroom, with my little Christian school classmates, and we'd pray our brains out that it would snow hard enough for school to be let out early. My mom was a teacher there, so my sisters and I would end up staying later anyway... but it was the principle of the thing. FREEDOM AND HOT CHOCOLATE. Yeah, I loved those days.

So anyway. Yesterday, I walked out of the gym, I smelled the winter cold, I saw the orange-red leaves, I heard the... whatever holiday seasons sound like (?)... and instantly, the election didn't matter, my homework didn't matter, my creaking knees didn't matter (yes, my knees creak already. It's a joint thing). All that mattered was... "You're my kid." I heard Him whisper it. I wish I could say He whispered it clearly--audibly--and that if I had a tape recorder in my pocket at the time, we could get it on the Stirring podcast, and millions of people would fall on their faces in worship because there would be no denying that this was the VOICE OF GOD(!) ...but it wasn't an audible whisper. My ears didn't hear it, per say. I didn't record it from my pocket. But my soul heard it. "You're my kid." I wonder how many times He says that in the day. I wonder how many holidays I'll have to live through to bring that realization back around again. I think He intends for me to hear that in my soul more often. And if He's saying that to me... then I can guarantee He's saying that to you too.

Sometimes, we just gotta stop and smell the... winter...

...and remember what it was like to pray for snow days.

Finished...but never quite done.

2008-11-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

Songs are never quite done. Even if they have been "finished." I re-write songs all the time. Which reminds me of something Travis-O told our worship team not too long ago--that we are like God's poems that He is finishing and still re-writing. We are redeemed, yes, by Christ's act on the cross; but we are constantly being refined by the work of the Holy Spirit in us. Just like Paul tells us: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Well maybe I am not as faithful as He is--maybe I won't complete all the songs I start. And maybe I can't really compare my song to a human being constantly worked in and refined...

But, it made me think about how my own songs are finished...but never quite done.

I am glad God doesn't look at me and go, "Welp, that's it--Done!" It's nice to know that one of the places He still moves in today is even in me... It's incredible to think that He carries it on to completion... all the way until the day of Christ Jesus.

Most of that was to say...

...yeah, I finished my song on Friday night...but I'm still working on it ;). Who knows if it will ever be "complete."

Yup

2008-10-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

Yup. I did. I finished the song I'm writing.

"Promises of Love"
Read Psalm 27:13-14 and you'll get the heart and thought behind it.

Other than that...
wanna hear about my day? (if not, stop reading here... *)

My day...insane...

Here's the run-down if you're interested:

5:50am, drove to Walmart for a light saber (best purchase of the week--bothering people all day with it--LOVED it).
6:30am, parked outside the school gym--studied for my Intro to Bio test.
6:50am, went inside the school gym--lights, tuned, and plugged in for sound check.
7:00am, sound check...
8:00am, Intro to Bio test.
9:00am, prep for Cultural Anthropology presentation.
10:00am, chapel...
11:30am, Cultural Anthropology presentation (light saber time...)
12:30am, lunch with Wendy. so great. :)
1:30pm, planned on ditching Life and Letters of Paul class...
1:50pm, Wendy made me go to Life and Letters of Paul class...
2:00pm, stabbed myself in the eye because I CAN'T STAND Life and Letters of Paul class (ok, not really...but I imagined it)
2:10pm, wrote Kate Agudo a note in LLP class--it was about how I wanted to finish my song tonight. (check)
2:30pm, Kate and I were forced to participate in Life/Letters of Paul class!!
2:50pm, freedom...
3:00pm, Intro to Political Science class .....Elections. 'Nuff said.
3:45pm, let out of Pol Sci early! (not even cause I set the clock forward five minutes either)
4:00pm, Yaks Happy Hour baby!
4:05("four-fo-five")pm, FOO FOO FRIDAYS!!! (du-nu-nu-nu, nu-nu-nu-nu, nu-nu-nuh!)
4:25...ish pm, Hannah, Sarah, Emily, and Kate, laughing at me and my light saber. I have no idea why. I think they were jealous.
5:00pm, stuff happened...
6:05pm, dinner with Wendy--double great. :)
7:30pm, volleyball game... "S-U!" (which always sounds like "F-U!")
8:30pm, back to my song...
10:30pm, song--pretty much finished.
11:05pm, "Yup"

Yup. Done.

Now(11:09pm), it's bed time.

I'munna

2008-10-29T13:28:00.001-07:00

I'munna finish the song I'm writing soon.

Got more lyrics for it today.
I can feel it...

A Little Bit of Everything

2008-10-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a little hyper. And a little tired...
I'm a little stressed out. And a little bit relaxed...
I'm a little sad. And a little happy...

I'm a little bit confused. But also pretty certain of the things that matter most...
...like love, and peace, and God's faithfulness.

He has never left me--though I have been devastated by the thought many times. Jesus is still alive--though I was not there to see Him in the flesh so long ago. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29) (Oh, but I would have been the Doubting Thomas in that story).

And then there's Peter, who encourages us in such crazy times...
"These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" (1 Peter 1:7-8).

When I have a little bit of everything going on in this racing mind of mine, it's nice to remember that I love Jesus--that I believe in Him--that my faith results in praise, and that I am filled with (a whole lot more than a little bit of) inexpressible and glorious joy.

Yeah. I'm a little bit confused...

But I'm also very grateful.

Up and At 'em!

2008-10-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's right! I am up and at 'em again (those many tasks and daily routines of mine). And I have to say.... I miss my bed!!!! :(

Haha... not really. (I always wanted to say something like that though).

In all sincerity, it's great to be alive. It's great to greet the day. It's awesome to jump down from the top bunk in the morning and think, "Yes, His mercies are new every morning... but this morning, I am blessed to feel it!" We don't alway need to feel it to know it. But it helps a little when we get to experience that "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning"

Sometimes the night is a literal 12-hour night. Sometimes it is three-days in bed. Sometimes it is longer...

But joy does come in the morning.

...And it is a beautiful morning.

Bed-ridden

2008-10-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's disappointing. I want to slam my head against the desk right now... but something tells me that won't fix the aching. Being bed-ridden for me is like being in Hawaii without my guitar for two weeks--people say how good it is to get the rest, but I can't even do the things I love most. I'm not a huge fan of beds like some are. I DO like Hawaii...but that's beside the point.

Couldn't I take a mental break instead? The physical ones don't mean much to me without the mental ones...

I have these dreams...

2008-10-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have these dreams...
They're not super crazy, or too lofty... but they are a bit idealistic.... and I wonder if they could ever really happen.

They're usually about the world--about social justice issues, about international relations, about advocating for the voiceless, about freedom for the oppressed...

I'm writing a political science paper right now. I love that class. I love that even when I don't want to go (I have it at 3 in the afternoon, and I'm not a huge fan of afternoons) I end up getting our whole class into a discussion about welfare, or communism, or ideological motives and our Machiavellian tendencies by the end of the period. I always think it's gonna be so boring... It's usually not.

In fact, the best part about it:
I get to think about my dreams. I get to wrestle through them.
Sometimes I wonder if that shouldn't be the whole point to education in the first place... to wrestle through your dreams... To figure out how reality meets your visions...how your visions could become reality... It would be cool if these dreams became reality.

But I don't want my dreams to be my dreams. I only want my dreams if they are also God's. I think we did a series at the Stirring about that a while ago--"When God Dreams" or something like that. Well, I'm convinced that His dreams have a lot to do with "freedom for the prisoners," as Isaiah and Jesus both proclaimed. And it seems like a lot of my dreams have to do with the same thing.

So. Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday I've been thinking about those dreams. I've been thinking about them ideally... and I've been thinking about them realistically...
They have a lot to do with politics--more than I ever thought any dreams of mine would. And they have a lot to do with other countries--more than I ever thought I would let them... (sometimes MKs have bitter, rebellious streaks ;)

But most importantly, they have a lot to do with speaking up for those who cannot speak up for themselves--with standing up for those who have constantly been crushed. I want to be a voice for the voiceless. And I want to usher in God's dream of healing for the broken. I don't know if I'll ever see a whole country reach restoration after political devestation... or if we'll ever get all the prostitutes out of the brothels...out of the system...out of their prisons...
I don't know if I'll still be alive when Cambodian fathers begin teaching their sons to care for their families again...or if I'll ever watch American women demonstrate to each other what real beauty is or where it comes from. I don't know if I'll ever be the kind of advocate OR influence in the political and social spheres that I've had thoughts about.

I do know God's Kingdom is coming, though, and that Jesus tells us to pray for it. I know that I've seen parts of it here and there...and that even the smallest of healings is healing nonetheless...

Sometimes I have these dreams...
They're not super crazy, or too lofty.

In fact, I think they could be pretty darn realistic...

...depending on how you look at it.

What do you think?

2008-10-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

We talked about greed on Sunday. We talked about greed this morning ...at my incredible breakfast club. And I started thinking... Greed is about so much more than money... I started thinking... Greed probably has more to do with broken or misplaced trust than anything else...
I started thinking...

Can you be greedy with how much you want of a person's time? Have you ever been greedy with what you expect out of a friendship--or are willing to give it? Is it possible that we are more greedy with our feelings than we would like to admit? And what's the difference between protecting your heart, your love, your life... and hoarding it?

I don't really know the answers to these questions. But I was just thinking about them tonight.

I was thinking about a lot of things--none of them directly related to these questions--but my mind just wanders. So these are some questions it wandered to...

Questions about greed...

What do you think?

Breakfast club is incredible.

2008-10-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

Ah Tuesday again... which means another breakfast club has come and gone. Breakfast club is incredible. I love it. It's part of the reason why I love Tuesdays (we've been through this). The girls, the coffee, the oatmeal, the Deja Vu... all incredible. (I'm not super picky about my coffee, so yes, I mean that). But there is one thing to note about this particular breakfast club... the one of "TODAY." If I was much of a journal...er..(ist?)..(whatever), I'd probably write about this one in there. I'd have the date up in the right-hand corner, and the time (I like to note time). And I'd probably start it out with a sentence like: "Today was different," or "Today was weird." And my journal would be flapping with anticipation--"WHY?! WHY?! Tell me! TELL ME..." And I'd continue writing. But then I'd realize--"my journal can't ask questions... or be anticipatory..." so I'd stop writing to my journal... and I'd start blogging...

People read blogs.
This is one about breakfast club today...

Today was different. Today was weird. There were no bright-eyes or bushy-bangs for me this morning, there was no quick wit or sly, AWESOME jokes (ok, ok, so maybe the bushy-bangs were still there, my bangs are always kinda bushy...)
No. Today I was tired.

I took my normal seat next to my usually-tired Sarah, but there was nothing normal or usual about what happened when I got there this particular morning... I was tired.

Head down--on the table--"Is Jenna sleeping??" I heard it and pulled myself back to the present.
"Ah! I don't know what's the matter with me this morning!!" I responded with desperation... (ya know...that kind of desperation that breeds half-cries, half-laughs...all whine...) Blank stares from the table--a few giggles--like anyone else knew what the matter was either. My outbursts are humorous sometimes.

Let me explain if you're not catching onto the drama here:
I'm a morning person. And I'm definitely a Tuesday morning person. I'm definitely NOT tired at breakfast club. I mean, someone has to keep those "sleepy-sleepersons" going... ;) (jk you guys). I'm usually watching the clock from the elliptical machine thinking "I bet Kristena is hating wake-up time right now... hehehehe..." I'm usually trying to not offend the quiet section of our breakfast table with all my crazy, pointless fun facts from the anthropology chapter I'm reading. In the beginning, it's usually pretty quiet at our table. I'm usually trying to get a chuckle or two out of my neighboring seats....
But not today... Today, there were laughs ringing out from all sections of the table!!! All sections... but my sad little sleepy middle section... What the heck???

"Have some coffee Jenna..." God bless Danielle Kettle. She always knows just what I need.

So I drank some of Sarah's coffee--no splenda. But I think it helped a little... and by the end of our time together, we were all talking about greed, and our pasts, and our mindsets now because of our pasts, and our mindsets now because of our church... I love our church! And finally I was awake! Pink Elephant time!

Two parables: The one about ten virgins and the one about the money loaned to the servants. Yeah, that's right, I read them both. One right after the other... (the coffee was working). Thanks Danielle. Thanks Sarah. Thanks Meghan... (Meghan had to sit by me the whole time... and I used her Bible... thanks Meghan)

But I can't attribute ALL of my waked-up-ed-ness (thanks dashes) to coffee alone. Talking about Jesus helps too. Reading His parables wakes me up pretty well. I love stories, and I love to learn, and I love to learn by hearing stories told by people that I love (and I love Jesus), so parables and I... we get along...

Anyway, I read those two parables and then we started talking about them, and honest-to-goodness, I CANNOT shut my mouth when I want to... I wished I hadn't had so much coffee... and now my knee is bouncing up and down (it's what I do) and I kinda want more coffee..... Greed.

Haha, but breakfast club is incredible. I don't mind rambling there. The other girls don't seem to mind much either. Or maybe they were tired too... yeah, me being tired at breakfast club...(?!?!)
...that was WEIRD.

First of Five

2008-10-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

6:04 a.m.
It's a little chilly in my room, so the thought of pulling on some sweats and a hoodie actually sounds pretty good. The sun's not up yet, but it will be soon... ok, NOW THE RACE IS ON.

Out of bed, grab the tooth brush, hair brush, face...cloth...
Sweats, shoes, hoodie, wallet, iPod, phone, keys... out the door...
"Yes! No sun!" I smile to myself (as strange as that might sound). See, I have this goal sometimes--to be on the treadmill at the gym while the sun is coming up. If you get the right machine (the one in front of the big tree just outside the window) it's the perfect picture of God shedding morning light onto something that had been starved for it all night. It's like watching new mercy come at dawn. I love new mercy at dawn...

So, this particular dawn... is the first of five.
The first of five days off from school--the first of five mornings that I would like to catch a glimpse of that mercy picture. Maybe not specifically the gym-tree one. Maybe not specifically the rising sun of every early morning. It's more along the lines of...intentionality ...intentionally recognizing that, truly, God's mercy is new every morning.

It's 8:05 now. About two hours since that first glimpse has taken place. And I'm already realizing, "I am SO GLAD His mercy is new every morning," because it helps me know the freedom that Christ gave us a little better. He sets me free every morning--He says, "Go in peace. Sin no more." And I have the chance to grow and change.

How awful it would be to have to stay chained to yesterday's self! I might not stay free every time He breaks those chains for me, but every morning, I know He smiles on that tree just outside the gym window, and every morning, I know He smiles on me.

Maybe today will be the first of five that I smile back...

...maybe it will be the first of five thousand.

Roadtripping

2008-10-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

"I would not be the person I am today if..."

...Nathan completed that sentence last night by giving recognition to a man who had walked with him for a season. Just last Thursday, I completed that sentence at lifegroup... also by giving recognition to someone who had walked with me for a season. Emily Rowlett was her name (it's now Emily Blosser), and I would not be the person I am today if she had not called me out.

Once, I thought I could just stay in the shadows. I loved serving God enough... but I didn't care to be up front... especially up in front of others. Once, I thought that being "up front" would mean being prideful. Really though... my hiding was more prideful in the end. Emily encouraged me not to hide. She called out an anointing that she saw on me... she called out something that I could not see myself. She was God's voice in my life, calling out the spirit of worship that I had never really known what to do with. And we had been roadtripping.

Well, maybe not literally... but from the first day I met Emily, I knew I wanted to walk with her. I knew I secretly wanted her to join with me on my way.

She did.

She came into my life, and I began learning from hers. When she called me out of youth group and into the "big service" on Sunday mornings, I thought to myself, "Why?" Why would she want me to sing with her on Sundays? Why would she want me to play the guitar when my skills were, at best, mediocre?

"I know you live in the shadows of those who you think are 'better' than you, Jenna... I know you think there are others more talented, more qualified..." She could practically read my mind...
"But ya know... I think there's a difference between being 'good' and having an anointing... Jenna, you have an anointing." End of the mind-reading. I was definitely NOT thinking that.
But as much as I wanted to disagree, I could no longer deny what she had seen. And we had been "roadtripping" together long enough that I knew I could trust whatever she intentionally had to tell me. I didn't know she would intentionally tell me something like that.

I was 15 when I met Emily. I was 15 when she began walking with me. I was 18 when she called out that anointing in me... and I'm still struggling with embracing certain things about that... but the seed has been planted nonetheless, and God has not allowed the shadows to keep hindering its growth. Emily and I roadtripped for 3 years... roadtripping with Emily was like growing in a greenhouse. My passion for music came alive. Calling others to worship through music became what I felt alive for...

Of course, there's more to my life than "a worship service"... there was much more to Emily's life too. We just shared in that soundtrack... that roadtrip music... we just shared those songs that gave us space to pray and breathe and come face-to-face with God... we shared an awesome season... there's so much more that I could say about that time of my life. There's a lot more that I could say about how God used Emily in my life--in His calling out of me--in my stepping out into an anointing. And there are others who have called me out... for other seasons. But those are other roadtrip stories.

For now, I just wanted to finish that sentence... because it's true; and it's good.

Really. I would not be the person I am today if Emily hadn't called me out.

So call someone out. Start a roadtrip.

Cause you never know who they could be tomorrow...

It's almost here...

2008-10-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

That's right. The quote blog is almost here! I'm thinking about what the appropriate setup would be...and the best colors...

Also, I have the first quote picked out (sorry Dan, it's not "burgers" just yet). I'm now wondering if I should put the quote blog under my profile... or start a new profile altogether...

But there's just one snag:
Blogger sent me a "hold" warning--something about potential "terms of service" violation that I could run into with this thing? Who knew starting a quote blog could be such a legal issue...

(yes, I'm being slightly facetious...)