I didn't know. (Or I forgot.)

I didn't know that Christmas meant so much to me. I didn't know that God loved me so much. I didn't know that I loved God so much.

(Well... Maybe I knew... Maybe He's just helping me remember again...)

Yesterday, my younger sister's boyfriend came over. He's cool--I like him. He's got blond hair and blue eyes, so I asked him if he was Norwegian... but he's not. He's South African! How sweet is that?! So, yep, Tiber came over. Tiber and Janelle are really cute together, and from what I can tell, she likes him a lot and he treats her really well, so I'm down with this thing. Anyway, Janelle slipped and fell on the frozen-over snow in our driveway yesterday, which means she didn't make it to church. Poor thing. Poor tushy...

Tiber came over an hour later, and we were all singing Christmas songs, wrapping presents, sitting, drinking...tea... (honest). My mom came in and had this CRAZY idea that we could have church in our living room that morning (What?! I know... a revolution is beginning). What's even CRAZIER is that...I read my Bible. Out loud.

...but seriously... here's what's crazy... I cried. No, wait.... I wept. I was reading Mary's song (in Luke), and I had to stop, it was so moving to me. Yeah, right there in front of Tiber, my sisters, my step-dad, and my mom... tears of being moved by the Christmas story, by Mary's song, running down my cheeks.
Then I picked up my guitar to lead some (more current) songs, thinking for sure that it would stop the flow of these consistent drops. Nope. I sang "How He Loves" (so I actually wasn't thinking).

Let me tell you something about why this is weird to me. It's not often that I cry. But when things really move me, it happens. And there are times when things really move me, so, it does happen (logic)(...I'm a theologian, don't be jealous). NEVER, though, do I cry while reading out loud. Not in public (not even in 'living room' public). NEVER do I cry in front of strangers in my house (not even in front of half-strangers that treat my sister really well). NEVER do I cry while leading worship songs for others to follow. But, I do cry when things deeply move me... And apparently, I just didn't know how much the Christmas story deeply moves me.

I was reflecting on this today (right after I asked Janelle if Tiber thinks I'm weird...she says he doesn't...), and it shouldn't shock me so much that Christ's birth holds the power to move me so. I am undone, in fact, before my King--before even His manger...

This Christmas, more than any before, I have realized that God gives us treasures like these: times of brokenness before our family, overwhelming love that moves us to tears, and His very presence that undoes everything we've built up around ourselves (about ourselves, for ourselves). He gives us treasures of humility. Which He so stubbornly wraps His treasures of grace in. And when we receive them into our hearts--where no one can steal from--we receive the very things that make us different from what we would be without Him.

You see, I've been wondering about what makes me so different from anyone else (cause I'm not really). I've been wondering what makes me a sincere follower of Christ (as opposed to a "good Christian...?"). I've been wondering why God would ever choose me for certain things, or call me, or gift me, or anoint me, or keep it up...or...keep with me.

God's been taking away all my answers...and keeps giving me Jesus.

I guess that's why He gave the world Jesus. I mean, I always kind of guessed that...I just didn't know that's all it took....

But that's all it takes--Jesus.


I didn't know. Or I forgot.