Mudhouse Sabbath

I'm currently reading a book called Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner. It's a slender little book that I picked up yesterday in Barnes and Noble and decided to use my Christmas gift card on (Thanks, Mom). Reading it now, I wish I had picked it up the day before yesterday, just so I could have had it in my possession sooner. I'm pretty sure I've only stopped reading it to shower, pee, and drive... and to write this.

The point of the book is ingeniously described by a phrase found directly underneath its title: "An Invitation to a Life of Spiritual Discipline." The phrase is printed in pink lettering and means what it suggests (as most phrases by Winner do). The fact that it's in pink means nothing, but I thought it was pretty and worth the mention.

When I'm done reading this book - which will probably be around the same time I'm done drinking this latte - I'm going to seriously reconsider the intentionality I give to certain "ordinary" things in my life... things like sabbath and food and candle-lighting... and doorposts. (I haven't actually gotten to the "doorposts" chapter yet... but I bet I'll reconsider the attention I give to those.)

It's a book about the link between spiritual practices of Judaism and the formation of our responses to God in Christianity. It is about "the rhythms and routines" that, as Winner puts it, "drew the sacred down into the everyday." It's a book that shows you you are practicing things everyday, but, how are the things you're practicing forming you to respond to God? Are they at all? Mostly, it's one of those books that asks if you'd like to pay a little more attention...

I'd like to pay a little more attention.


Mudhouse Sabbath... Let me know if you want to borrow it. Maybe we'll read it for lifegroup.

I was reading a very good book this morning, and I realized that if I ever wanted to write a good book, I would need to figure out what, exactly, I am writing about. And I would need to have a lot of things to say about whatever I am writing about. Then I would just need to write about it. It sounded like a simple enough formula: 1) Figure out what you are writing about, 2) Have a lot to say about it, 3) Say it in writing (I would add in, "with humor," for sales strategy). Then I realized something else: I don't think I could ever stay focused enough to write a good book about something. Unless, of course, it was a book about realizations... I might be able to write a good book about realizations... but whoever wants to read a book about that...

Get up and walk...

Bethany Dillon has an awesome new cd out. Danae Allen bought it for me for my birthday. Thank you, Danae...

This is my favorite song right now:

GET UP AND WALK

I have got no one to blame
Except if that someone’s me
I washed my hands, but just the same
My eyes confess for me
I come in filthy rags
You know I’m guilty

I wake up almost every night
Saying Your name
What I would give to walk in the light
But what I hide has made me lame
My face down on the ground
I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You’ll have to show me where to go
It’s been so long since I’ve used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I’m dancing
So let the power of Your move
Not stop with what I can see

[back to chorus]

I couldn’t walk
I couldn’t sing
I couldn’t love until You found me

"...that everywhere I am in Thy presence."

About a month ago, I was invited to teach an FYE class on the Streams of Faith. In preparing for it, I realized that there are many crevices and pockets of these streams into which I have not stopped to dip my own bucket. So I typed up outlines for the Contemplative, Holiness, Charismatic, Social Justice, Evangelical, and Incarnational Streams, and decided that I would need to keep one for myself...

At about 9:12 this morning, the prayer of Susanna Annesley (mother of John Wesley) was one of the last things I added to the Incarnational outline. Then I decided to add it to my day... Then, event-upon-event, a good breakfast with good friends, a somewhat disheveled but peaceful arrival to the class, and a slow reading of Psalm 139 to open... and I am convinced that He is with me.

Pray this with me as I pray it about 14 more times today. And remember that He is with you too.


“Help me, Lord, to remember...that everywhere I am in Thy presence. So my every word and action have a moral content...May all the happenings of my life prove useful and beneficial to me. May all things instruct me and afford me an opportunity of exercising some virtue and daily learning and growing toward Thy likeness...Amen.”

My New Little House

I moved into my new little house on Tuesday. It's not actually "new"... But it is little. And I love it already. Megan and I discovered that the bathroom door doesn't stay shut... which is fine, cause maybe we'll get a latch. We're grown up like that... we can get latches if we need to...

But I've never rented a house before--big or small. So the fact that I'm typing this at our breakfast nook table on our "borrowed" wireless internet, while listening to the three sprinklers squirt around outside our kitchen window, is kind of surreal. Not the "I'm going to be on Wheel of Fortune tomorrow" kind of surreal... just... kind of surreal. The real part comes with the simple fact that I'm in a new stage of life again. Paying rent and electric bills, planning dinner parties and grocery shopping for the next couple of weeks (rather than a few hours of late-night-homework-cramming)... going to bed at a normal time of night, when I'm tired, because I have office hours the next day and not a final exam at 8 am... and knowing that I'm here in Redding to reside year round because of these wonderful office hours, but also because of so much more... much much more.

And then it hit me when Meg's mom yelled from the kitchen, "Where do you girls want the toaster!?" that I've never thought about where a good place for the toaster would be... or a good place to put band aids... or where a good place to buy a paper towel rack from is...
I never really considered that I could have a garden if I wanted.

Guess it's the little things that make you feel like you're getting older... It's the little things that change when you're growing up... It's the little things you start thinking about suddenly because your responsibilities are shifting and you are suddenly the one making the decisions about the little things. Not that the decisions about the little things make you more mature necessarily, but they're all accumulating to the bigger changes... Bigger changes that eventually find you in a new house you are responsible for... and where you begin to realize, "I think I know where the toaster should go now..."


...and then you walk outside to get the electric bill from your new little mail box.

The Little Boy and the Road and the Hole

(a story I wrote...)

There was a little boy who kept falling into a hole. It was the same hole every time, over and over. And even though the little boy didn't like the hole, and the fall hurt every time, he kept walking on the road that had the hole in it. When he told his mom about the hole, his mom told him to stop walking on that road, and in fact, to stop walking on any roads without her. But he didn't listen to his mom because this was the only road to the place he was going... he also didn't tell her about the hole anymore because he didn't want her coming with him. After falling into the hole a couple more times, the little boy decided to tell his friend about the road and the hole and how it was starting to hurt more and more every time he fell in. When he told his friend, his friend asked him if he was sure that was the only road that led to the place he was going. The little boy was pretty sure... but not a hundred percent... but pretty sure... so his friend said he'd like to come with him next time and check out this hole the little boy was falling into. The little boy thought for a moment and decided that would be fine.

So the boy and his friend began down the road with the hole. Along the way, the boy's friend saw another road, branching off from the one they were on. Even though this road looked smaller and longer and didn't look like it was going in the same direction, he stopped the little boy and showed him. But the little boy shook his head and said he was pretty sure that that road wouldn't take him where he was going... not a hundred percent... but pretty sure... so the little boy and his friend kept going.

Finally, the boy began to recognize the scenery--it was the scenery close to where the hole was. He told his friend to slow down and be careful because, sometimes, he would just fall into the hole without seeing it. But he always recognized the scenery, so they decided to go very slowly. The friend was the first to see the hole... so wide and unmerciful, stretching all the way from one side of the road to the other. It seemed to the friend that if someone was determined to keep going on this road, there would be no escape from falling in. He turned to the little boy to tell him, but the little boy was already in front of him, headed for the hole. The friend wondered if the little boy could see the hole this time or if he couldn't, like the other times. When he called the little boy's name, the little boy stopped for a second and looked back and asked him why he stopped. The friend told him that the hole was right in front of them and that the little boy was getting too close--couldn't he see it?

But then the friend noticed that the little boy wasn't looking at the hole right in front of him. In fact, the little boy wasn't even looking at the road anymore. The friend ran to catch up with him and tried to point out the road and the hole and the fact that there was no way around the hole and they should go back and try the other road... but the little boy kept looking at the scenery and pointing past the hole and saying that if they could just jump over the hole, he was sure this was the way he needed to be going (he seemed a hundred percent sure... but he really wasn't). The little boy told his friend to look further down the road and see how pretty it was and to look around them and see how enchanting the scenery was now--now that they had come to the edge of the hole. It was enchanting scenery, the friend agreed, and the rest of the road looked oddly pretty as far as the eye could see, but the friend could still see the hole plainly, and the hole was not pretty, and the hole hurt, and the hole would not let them keep walking down the road looking at the scenery and heading towards... well, whatever the little boy thought he was heading towards...

If you ask the little boy what happened next, he might not be able to recall. He might tell you that he fell into the hole again because he took more steps towards it, even while his friend was talking. Or, he might admit that it would have been disappointing to have gone so far down that road again just to go back and try the other road... so he tried jumping this time instead.

He will recall that his friend pulled him out of the hole and that his friend walked back to his home with him. And he will remember that his friend was not scolding him or ignoring him or calling him stupid for being... stupid. Instead, his friend was guiding him, examining his wounds, telling him to rest on their way, and sometimes quietly crying, just because he was sad the little boy couldn't see what he could see...

...But the little boy could see all of that.

If you ask the little boy whether or not he is going to fall into the hole again, he might not be able to predict the future... he might not be able to say that even though the hole hurts, the road or the scenery or the pretty other side will be easier to not think about and look at and want to go to. But maybe he will say that he knows the road always leads him to the hole, which hurts to fall into more and more every time. And that he knows the road is more dangerous than the hole itself. He might be able to say that he is not going to take that road anymore. He might even admit that his friend was right and that the other road is probably a much better option.

He will be able to say that his friend is a good friend... that his friend has offered to try the other road with him. His friend has good eyes, so he will help the little boy see other holes if they come across any. The little boy hopes that he has good eyes again someday... ones that don't just look at the scenery. He hopes that he gets eyes like his friend's... ones that can see when the hole is too close and when the other side is actually not very pretty at all.

The little boy wears glasses right now. He hopes that someday he won't need them. When his mom asks him about the glasses, he just smiles and says he is training his wandering eye. And when she asks him whatever happened with that hole he told her about, and that road leading to the place he was going... he smiles again and says that he and his friend decided to take a different road. He tells her not to worry and that it is a better road.
Because he's pretty sure he wants to go to a different place now...

No... a hundred percent sure.


The Middle.

What DOES it sound like?

I haven't blogged in a while... Probably because I haven't read in a while. Usually when I'm not reading, I'm not getting much motivation to write... Yeah, that makes sense. But I have been writing songs lately... I find that life in general motivates me to write songs. More specifically, life as I encounter it in other living people motivates me to write songs.... I write a song when I see a homeless man digging through the trash for food. I write a song when I find a girl too afraid of her past to move forward. I write a song when I hear about prostitution... and then meet its oppressed firsthand. Or, I write a song when I meet Jesus again firsthand... and when He makes Himself known through the life of a friend.

I write joyful songs... though some may seem less "happy" than others.
I write hopeful songs. All songs should have a glimmer of hope in them...

I write songs full of thought... because my own life is saturated with it. And if the songs I write don't provoke others to think too, then I don't know what the heck I'm doing here...

Sometimes I struggle with finding the right words (There are so many words in our world). But God refines those as He refines me more with His... So I don't worry very much about lyrics. I think about them and revisit them and pick and choose and change them with purpose... but I am rarely anxious over them.

Melodies, however, are a different story. Melodies... I need to hear. I don't know what else to say about melodies right now, other than- there must be a million of them in heaven... If I could just hear the melodies of heaven...

"Whatever the angels are singing..."

...Sometimes I dare ask God to let me sing "whatever the angels singing..."


This is a little bit of why I haven't read in awhile, I suppose...
I've been preoccupied with trying to hear heaven.

BBQs, Baptisms, and the Kingdom of Heaven...

Our church family amazes me more and more as the weeks pass. The leadership inspires me, the servanthood humbles me, the generosity awes me, the courage convicts me... I am honored to be part of such a dedicated, passionate group of Jesus followers. We had our bbq baptism last night at the Hayes' house. I watched as even more followers symbolically declared that their hearts and lives are for His Kingdom. I spoke with three amazing young women afterwards, and we agreed that talking about Jesus beats many other convo-topics, by far. We were encouraged by seeing our older brothers anoint the younger ones... and we are excited about our generation's call. It's incredible to be a part of this stuff...

When I think about times like that, I see that God is doing so much. But we don't always need those signs to know that He is working... Jesus says that an "evil and adulterous generation craves for a sign; and yet no sign will be given to it but the sign of Jonah the prophet..." He goes on to say that Nineveh didn't have Jesus come to them--they had Jonah, and still they believed more than the generation that craves signs. He says that the Queen of the South "came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and behold, something greater than Solomon is here." That queen didn't have Jesus come to her--but she had the idea that Solomon was onto something. The generation that craves for signs has the "something greater" than even Solomon's wisdom... but they turn to the cravings rather than the Lord in their midst. I'll be honest, that part of the story scares me! ...I want to turn to the Lord...

But Jesus continues (He usually does...), and He gives His disciples hope when they ask Him how anyone is supposed to understand all this crazy stuff He's saying! Jesus turns to them and says...

"To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not... But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear. For truly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it" (Matt.13:11, 16-17).

...I want us to be the disciples that turn to the Lord... the ones that He then turns and says that to...

When I watch baptisms and church gatherings and encouraging moments with our incredible church family--when I think about times like that--I try to remember that visuals are wonderful, but we do not always need the signs. I try to remember that JESUS is in our midst, and that it is He Who even grants us the eyes to see and the ears to hear these mysteries of His Kingdom.

He knows my name.

I never cared that my name meant "little bird" before. If anything, I was embarrassed by it. Most of my friends have really cool meanings for their names, and some of my friends hate birds. Either way, I always claimed the "spiritual meaning" that would pop up on the more obscure websites... the websites on the 17th page of the Google findings...

Bethany Dillon once asked me what my name meant, and I was too embarrassed to tell her the "little bird" part. She seemed to like my name, and I didn't want her to change her mind... I told her "I think it means something like, 'The Lord is gracious'..." (which is true! One of the 17th-pagers said so). She smiled and said that she liked it. Sweet. I was right.
I think I smiled back... or I peed my pants... I can't remember...

Anyway, after a couple more years of similar stories (ones with me claiming the "spiritual meanings," not ones with Bethany Dillon), I began finding an actual appreciation of the "little bird" meaning... I started seeing pictures of birds everywhere, and they were a lot prettier than I remember (or at least a lot less scary...fewer crows). There were a lot that showed birds being released from cages, free to fly in the open air once more. Some of them showed birds simply resting on branches, singing what I imagined to be the most pleasant of songs (...they weren't steller-jays...or else I probably would have imagined fire alarms). They were "little" birds, and I started to like seeing them around. Four women from Bethel came up to me at the Sundial bridge one day and gave me a picture of a sunrise they had drawn for me... It had birds flying in it. "The Lord's favor is so heavy on you.. and you are going to be like these birds soon... flying so high and free in the sunrise." I contemplated telling them my name and what it meant, but I didn't. All I said back was, "Thank you. I really do hope so..."

They didn't know my name...
but God did.

I flirted with the idea of someday just coming out and saying to my friends that hate birds, "My name means 'little bird'!"--and to my friends with really cool name-meanings, "Well my name means 'little bird'..." And this idea became a million times more attractive when someone finally said to me, "You know you're name also means 'white wave'?"

Ok. So "Little bird" it is...

It's been a few months since that initial acceptance... I haven't thought about it at all since then.
But on Friday, my iPod's "shuffle" settings did it yet again...


FLY by Jason Upton

Going out to new atmospheres
Going out to new places
Going out to new atmospheres

You gotta to have new ears,
Gotta have new ears to hear...
Heavenly places, heavenly, heavenly places...
New revelation.

What are doing? (singing to lost soul)
Where are you going? (singing to lost soul)
God is going to give you wings...

Some of you have been fighting for a very long time
Some of you have been fighting that ground warfare for a very
long time...

Sticking out your fists and fighting...
God wants to take you to new places,
New revelation,
New perspective,
An arial view...

I declare over you, God has given you the air...

So fly, it's time to open up your wings,
to shake off the things that hold you down,
It's time to spread out your wings and fly.

Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you know what I know?
Do you want what I want?
I want you to fly

Fly...

(from God)
I have given you wings
I have set you free from the things that held you
I have given you wings
I have set you free, so come to me and
Fly...

Like a bird in the air, you have escaped the snare
Like a bird in the air, you have escaped the snare
Like a bird in the air, you have escaped the snare of the enemy

You have been set free
You have been set free

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no nothing could ever hold you.
Nothing can stop you now-
because you are....
Free.

Fly.

I'll admit, I started to cry on the treadmill. I'm glad no one was around to ask if I tore something. But if they had... I would have told them, "Guess it just kinda hit me that God knows my name..."

I happen to care now that my name means "little bird," because God always has. And He is remaining faithful to the promises that He's apparently had in mind since before I was born...



What does your name mean? He knows your name, too!

The Land of "Why?"

On Sunday, Dan spoke about how God has chosen you to be an instrument for a specific purpose--how God redeems your story, and how your story makes you the perfect one for a certain job. I've never thought I was perfect for anything. I've just always thought I'll "do."

I did always want to be perfect. But I've never thought I made it there. That's no surprise... I was wanting the wrong thing anyway...

I've asked "Why?" to God a lot. And I always have regrets and wishes. There are things I've done that I don't understand... and things I never did that I hoped wouldn't haunt me later. But they do... I am haunted by my mistakes sometimes.

Dan continued talking. He talked about the land of "Why?" He said, "We all live in the land of 'Why?'...but God's redeeming all things, He's making all things new! God wants to change those parts of you that are so broken, that you think are beyond repair, that you thought could never be different, and He wants to use your testimony--the hardest, darkest, most painful places of it--to minister to others and help someone who may be going through something similar." He said, "You have a story that makes you effective in certain situations...and you will just connect with certain people because of it." And then he asked us, "Do you ever have those moments when you see a situation and realize, 'I am the chosen instrument for this moment' ?"

...It was this part of the message that made me lean forward in my chair a little more...

"Now, I want you to hear this," Dan continued, "Because this is what God has been speaking so clearly to me."
What? What is it??
There are some things that just get my full attention.

"When God calls me to something sometimes, I have those 'Yeah, buts', ya know? It's like, 'Yeah, but God, I'm a [fill in the blank]' It could be, 'But, God, I'm a coward' or 'God, I'm not eloquent in this' or 'God, I'm still broken' or 'But, there's that other thing...' or 'Yeah, but God, I'm such a mess...' We all have those 'Yeah, buts'... But then GOD answers and says, 'Perfect. I can still use you.' Or, He doesn't even let me finish...

I say, 'Yeah, but God, I'm a-'
'PERFECT,' He says, 'I can use that...' He looks at me, and He says, 'I can use you. I want to use you.'

Dan: 'But, I'm a-'
God: 'PERFECT. You're exactly what I want for this.'

...And then I realize that God has seen a situation and said, 'Dan would be PERFECT for this...
I HAVE to have a Dan for this one!'"

That last sentence would probably make more sense with Dan's analogy of the different-guitars-for-different-musical-purposes behind it... but you can download the podcast if you want the whole message.

For now, I just have a song that I thought was PERFECT for this blog...
It came onto my iPod at the gym this morning... my iPod nano, which isn't as "upgraded" as my iPod touch...probably not as elegant or complex or sleek-looking... it's not a 'clean' black--it's a tarnished green... and it's pretty beat up from years of being banged up against random trees and treadmills...but it's perfect for my morning jogs, and I wouldn't use any other...

Maybe it (if "its" could ask...) doesn't know "Why?" I'm using it rather than my iPod touch.... but I do.


I AM by Ginny Owens

No Lord, he said, you've got the wrong guy.
Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied.
And you're telling me to speak with a maniac king.
Or could it be I've lost my mind?
And besides, I am weak, don't you want someone strong,
To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long?
And anyway, they wont believe You ever spoke to me.
That's not your problem, God replied.
And the rest is history.

There's a bigger picture you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you I will show them, I Am.

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy,
Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy.
What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling?
That's not your problem, God replied.
'Cause I can do anything.

There's a bigger picture you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you, I will show them,
I Am the first, I Am the last,
I Am the present and the past,
I Am tomorrow and today,
I Am the only way.

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl.
You say that I will bring your son into the world.
How can I understand this thing You're gonna do?
That's not your problem, God replied.

'Cause, there's a bigger picture,
And you don't have to change the world.
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan.
And through you, I will show them,
There's a bigger picture, you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you, I will show them, I Am


Moses, David, and Mary the mother of Jesus are three Bible characters that I have always been inspired by...
They weren't perfect. They had regrets. They were afraid and crawled to Him, honest about it. But, eventually, they were willing and didn't ask "Why?" as much anymore--though if they looked back and reflected, I'm sure certain things would have suddenly become clear...

I'm sure they could see some incredible answers to that question in their stories. What encouraging things those would be to look back and see. We get see those things, now, and we realize that God is a MASTER story-teller...

And He is STILL using their stories today...

They're going to get "cultured"

My sisters are going to Europe today. One called me at 7 this morning, probably thinking, "Jenna will definitely be awake..."
I wasn't. I didn't have to be at church until 10 this morning, and I'm semi-depressed that some of my friends aren't here anymore, so my body must've thought sleeping later this morning would be a good idea...

But at 7, Joanna called me:

"Helloooo?" I mumbled, trying a higher pitch than normal (to get my voice above the raspy-ness...)

"Oh my gosh, did I WAKE YOU UP???"

"Maaaaybe... but it's ok... you're leaving today right?"

"JENNA! I'm so sorry... I didn't think you'd be asleep still!! We thought for sure--"

"Jo, it's ok, really. I'm glad you called. I was wondering when you'd be taking off."

"Well, I'm sorry anyway... You sound tired... or dead..." (Don't worry--I was tired.)

So I sat up, grasping at any of the energy coming to me...

"Hey! You're going to Europe!!!" --THERE it was-- "Have fun! But how the heck am I supposed to talk to you when you're in Europe?!!"

"Email! Email me, ok? And I'll miss you. And I love you. Ok... now mom wants to talk to you..."

...And so, the phone went around. Jo, then my mom, then Janelle, then back to Jo again (it was her phone afterall).

Mom said she that loves me. She'll miss me. She'll buy me something. The usual...
I told her I love her too, that I'll miss her, and that I don't care what she gets me from Europe... but when she gets back, I might want her to mail me a couple things I left during my last visit home...
Don't worry, I told her I love her again after that. And that I'll pay for postage.

Then Janelle told me she was going to "get cultured." I thought for a minute how funny that sounds and was going to make a joke about her maybe having strep throat... but decided there was no time for nonsenses. I told her I think she's going to make a great European tourist, and that when I email them, she doesn't have to email me back. She'll be emailing her boyfriend and other friends, I'm sure, so I said that I would just update her on stupid things about my life and she could type a one word response if she wants--something like "word" or "cool."

Janelle's a sweet girl, so she said I was dumb and that of course she'll email me back.. "at least three words..."

Three words from my sister in Europe sounds more than wonderful to me... I told her I'd take it!

The phone went back to Jo, and she said, "Sorry I woke you up, Jenna..."
I told her it was fine...again.
I said, "I'm glad you called..." [we repeat stuff in my family]

I suddenly remembered something--

"Oh and Shmo..." ("Shmo" is short for "Jo Shmo"...which isn't short for anything... just a funny thing to call her)

"Yeah?"

"That mix you made me is awesome! My friends love it--especially the first song. I made mixes for them and gave them a bunch of your songs."

"Aw! That's so cool, Jenna! I mean... I am cool... so, yeah, duh... that's fine I guess... Haha."

"Ok, have fun in Europe. Keep mom and Janelle safe."

"I will cause I'm SOOO buff..... Thanks Jenna, I'll call you when we get back."

"Ok. I love you..."

"...love you.."

"Bye."

"Bye."


And they're probably halfway there by now.

I DO hope Janelle emails at least three words... And I hope my mom doesn't stress over what to get me from Europe... but pays attention to their maps and hotel plans and Sound of Music tour arrangements...
I hope Janelle gets "cultured" with "teas, and music, and mountains, and vespas" like she imagines... I hope Joanna is as buff as she thinks she is (or, that God keeps them safe...)

And I AM glad she called me at 7 this morning. I love that they get a European adventure.

I'm going to set my alarm on July 28th... and drink a lot of coffee while I wait to talk with them again.

I give it a "Better and Better"

Well... my birthday is happening again this year. I don't have much to say about it, except that 23 is going to be a GREAT age. I think I say that about every age, every year... I think every year it's true. No matter what seems to be going on in my life, I'm firmly convinced of something that my mentor Emily told me once. "Remember Jenna, life just keeps getting better and better," she said. I think that's true.

I think that life does keep getting better and better... through all its shifts, and seasons, and changes... because I believe that I keep getting better and better. Of course, I'm not measuring this on a imperfect<-->perfect scale... if I did that, it would constantly be succeeding and failing, up to about 23 times a day, and I would be moving backwards and forwards all the time. So I could tend to see no point in trying then. I could tend to see life as always, actually, getting worse in that respect. "Let the pieces lay where they fall!" I would shout in that case (hands thrown up into the air with despair plastered across my face).

Rather, I believe that life keeps getting better and better--that I keep getting better and better--because I believe that on a not-much-history-with-God<-->more-history-with-God scale, He is always increasing my portion of life...

I am always getting more life with God. Perfect or not, clearly improving or messy and lying melted to the floor, I have more history with God today than I did yesterday... and my life contains within itself more of Him than it ever has before...
and that, my friends, warrants a "better and better" in my book...

Because more history with God... now THAT is what I cannot lose with age or failures in worldly perfection... I cannot lose that through tragedy or poverty or illness or regression... I cannot lose that when things are taken from me, or when I have lost what used to make me comfortable or what I thought was supposed to get me through life... I cannot lose that by being unsuccessful. I cannot lose that by being ugly. I cannot lose my history with God in time. And I cannot lose it in life...

And that is what my life is all about... it is about getting better and better by getting more and more full of--shaped by, guided by, known by, given by, grown by, forgiven by and encouraged by--this history with God...

...and that is what makes me glad for my birthday.
...I'm glad I was born to have a history with God.


So here's to year 23~

Life just keeps getting better and better!

(...no matter what.)

And then there's my sister Jo...

...who is the coolest person I've ever met. She's sixteen. She plays basketball, water-polo, the drums; drives my Jeep when I'm home; is in "advanced" drama class and on the swim team. She and her best friend, Kelci, made a video for English class--"Lord of the Flies." I watched it. I almost peed my pants. That's enough for now.

We shared a bathroom.

My sister Janelle is graduating from high school today. We were just in my car two hours ago, and I was pouring out my heart to this young woman who, fourteen years ago, would have only been hearing, "there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead, and when she was bad she was very very bad, but when she was good... she wasn't much better..." (I know--that's not how the rhyme really goes. And, I know--I was awful to her). But now, her ears were taking in my angst and musings. She is so grown up. I couldn't believe that the girl sitting in my passenger seat was the same girl that used to demand her "big-girl make-up case" come with her in her car-seat. Now, she only demanded I understand that I have impacted her.

You never think you impact your sisters. You just think you live with them most your life, and then figure out you really have enjoyed doing so. But I guess it makes sense that you could impact each other--you see almost everything, and you hear almost everything, and what you can't see or hear, you have in intuition and insight built upon shared contexts and experiences. Janelle and I shared a bathroom, so our list might be even bigger.

We used to get ready for our days together... for school, for work, for coffee shops and secret dates. In all of our "preparing-for-the-world-outside," I guess she had admired a couple things about the way I always prepared. I guess I impacted her. And after talking to her today, I realized how much she's impacted me.

I've always known how beautiful she is--I've always known how gentle and kind and genuinely caring she is. I've always known how God is her God, and how I would be astounded by His work in and through her. I just didn't know how much I would need all of that around me. I didn't know how much I would need to be impacted by her... then and now... fourteen years ago, two hours ago, and in all our shared time between.

Now she is going to impact the rest of the world. She is going to show it what beautiful means. She is going to show it how God adorns and lavishes beauty upon His already-beautiful creations, just because He wants to... just to celebrate. She is going to decorate His beauty, just because He's asked her to join Him in His delight. She is going to make others feel just as beautiful as she is... because that is Janelle--the girl from the car-seat, the young woman from the passenger seat--decorated by God and determined to help others know that they, too, are beautiful like her.

Janelle has applied to Milan Institute in Fresno. She moves down there and begins her cosmetology classes in August... When she graduates tonight from the same high school that I went to, it might hit me again how much of our lives we have shared, and therefore, how much we really have impacted each other. But right now, I'm just so glad we prayed for each other two hours ago. Whether it's true that I showed her something about preparing for the world or not, I know that my sister has shown me (scribbled on post-its, stuck to the bathroom mirror) to "trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, leaning not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
That's her favorite verse...

You never think your favorite verse impacts your sisters. You just think you have a favorite, and they know you like it a lot, and you may get it scribbled in cards or on post-its (to stick to your bathroom mirror). But I guess it makes sense that my sister's favorite verse is exactly what I needed to hear. And it's exactly what I've seen displayed in her life--even two hours ago--even as she, also, prepares for "the world outside."

"Because He is a God of the impossible."

Other than a unique season of life or an extra intense... uh... tummy-ache time... there are about two things that make me cry. And I can pinpoint them every time they happen:

1) When I am missing someone or feeling a profound sense of loss and
2) When I am deeply inspired or moved by a story... then, it is all moved up and out my eyes.

So when I felt the inspiration trickling out my right eye yesterday, it didn't surprise me very much. Nathan's grandpa had stopped by our office during staff meeting, and I witnessed one of the most inspiring things I've seen in a while...

I wish I could paint or draw sometimes, because I would have painted what will now have to just remain in my mind's eye. I would have painted Nate kneeling by his grandpa's chair as this wise pillar of faith told stories about the wonders and power of God constantly displayed in his life. I suppose I could try to retell some of them, but it would do justice to neither the moment nor the stories. If I could paint, I would have painted a grandson, wide-eyed and smiling, so gratefully and respectfully gleaning whatever he could from this wise old man. Instead, I'll only try to paint with words what I saw when I saw Nate kneeling by his grandpa...

I saw a generational story... I saw a story of faith--both God's and the family's... and a story of heritage--a heritage of following God wherever He goes and of seeing His way with vision and humble service. I saw a Moses story, passed down from grandfather to father to son... and I saw different contexts, different times, different styles even... but the same heart.

Because Nathan and his grandpa have the same heart. They have different hair-cuts, but they have the same heart.

It is a heart that seeks. It is a heart that listens. It is a heart that serves and desires and pursues the God of the impossible as He has searched the earth and found the Edwardson men. It is an invaluable inheritance... this heart that has found its way into the Redding community after traveling the world. And it is an inspiring story... this story of God-dreamers who have continually witnessed God's miracles and provisions in what seemed to be impossible circumstances.

I saw Nate reach his hand up to his grandpa's shoulder, and I listened as he prayed for a blessing over the man who had undoubtedly been praying for blessings over Nathan even before he was born. I was moved by this thought. I was moved by the whole thing. So yesterday, I knew that I, too, had to glean whatever I could from this moment. Because how many times do you see pictures of such legendary generational stories right in front of your eyes?

...Especially now-a-days... among a generation that has forgotten about heritage--that has been turned off to honor and the stories of God's movement.

That's one of the things Nate's grandpa said yesterday that I wrote down: "You have a unique church," he told us, "unique enough that it is just the one for Redding--for anywhere in America right now, really... because, you know, there are plenty of churches easily accessible enough for the elderly and the middle-aged, but the generation that is needing to be reached so badly right now is the one that's been turned off to God... and they need to be turned back on again..."

And then he said this: "Bible says, 'Ask largely that your joy might be full'... and if you're hamburger people, you can live on 'em. So keep asking God... Because He is a God of the impossible."

Then Nate leaned over to me and said, "Write that down." And I nodded, already mid-quote...

It was great having Nathan's grandpa at staff meeting yesterday. It put some things into a good perspective. And put some extra inspiration into me.

Oh yeah, and another thing he said that I'd say is worth noting:

"Remember--'The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, will quicken your bodies...' Boy! That's a great truth!"

...Yes...Yes, it really is.

Nate says that his grandpa always says, "The secret of man is his source."

Yesterday, I think we as the Stirring staff got to know a little more about grandpa's source...

...And He is "a God of the impossible."

Nathan's grandpa

Nathan's grandpa came to staff meeting today. He's an amazing man of God, and I can see where Nate gets his passion and heart for God's work from.

I haven't blogged in over a week. And this isn't going to count as a real post...

...I just wanted to say that I think Nathan's grandpa is awesome and that my next blog is going to have some of the things he said today in it. I wrote them down.


That'll probably happen tomorrow.


Peace ya'll.

If I could gain anything...

I probably shouldn't be on the computer right now... it's my Sabbath today. Are there rules in the ten commandments about being on your computer during Sabbath? Probably... maybe the part that says "...to keep it holy." But that only makes me wonder what "holy" is anyway...

Well, until God speaks more clearly to me about this (or convicts me to the point of no escape, like He has to resort to sometimes), I'm going to write a blog about Him in the middle of my Sabbath today. Because I started my Sabbath with these thoughts about Him, and they are continuing strongly. And I blog when these kinds of thoughts continue like this. I don't know what else to do sometimes... it's just what I have in my hand...

So, this is where you would find me if you walked into my room right now...

You'd see the back of my head--hair all pony-tailed up and slightly dancing by the command of steadily descending air from my ceiling fan. You'd see my awesome, little vintage desk pushed up against my awesome, yellow-painted wall, underneath this awesome, creatively-painted sunset scene on the 3x4ft canvas that I pretend is a window sometimes. You'd see me sitting at it, on my laptop, typing this blog as if it were an email to a long-lost triplet I just discovered I had...or a letter to the President, inquiring about the mystery that is gas-prices. And you'd probably see the T.V. to my right, the tiny electric guitar amp to my left, and a few un-hung pictures awaiting my constantly stolen attention. But more than anything else, what I'd hope you see, and what you'd EVENTUALLY see (if you ventured into my room further), is the true grace and generosity pervading this place in which I currently dwell--this place that has been handed openly to me with blessing upon blessing poured all over it--this place that the Gafners have revealed the hospitable heart of God through and have welcomed my wandering, terrified, graduating-and-growing-up new self into. And where, every day I can depart and return rest-assured that, indeed, the Father does provide. He has provided for me my whole life, and He continues to provide for me as though I am sufficiently and quite excellently earning it all.

...But I have never earned any of this... And in all my efforts, I have only found the part of me that deserves a sufficient amount of reprimand and probably "a good spank on the bottom" as my mother would say... In all of my efforts, the only thing that I have found to be sufficient is His GRACE. His grace upon grace upon grace... that He has only ever poured and poured and poured onto me. I had never dared to ask for it... Fortunately for me, He had never dared wait until then to give it anyway. And so all I find now, is myself ENVELOPED in it--this grace that has sustained and provided for me. All I find now, is myself indescribably grateful.

And this is where you would find me if you walked into my room right now...

Back of my head, pony-tailed hair, vintage desk, yellow wall, sunset scene, and pictures not yet in place... But hopefully more than anything, and probably eventually... you would find this dwelling place that displays the very generosity of what we have been talking about at the Stirring lately... you would find this example of God's giving and sharing and open hand, that, out of an open heart, gives whatever is in it... And you would find me exactly where I find myself...

Indescribably grateful... praying that if I can gain anything, it would only be a heart that is the same way.


If I could gain anything right now, it would be a generous heart like the Gafners'...















...in whose house I can even enjoy this maybe marred Sabbath ;)

I love Nichole Nordeman! ("exclamatory titles" number 3)

I LOVE Nichole Nordeman. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. (So I guess if you're reading this, welcome to knowing me). But I do--I love her. I love her voice, I love her thoughts, I love her heart behind them both... I love the way she writes lyrics and puts them to music... it convinces me that God's first language is SONG. I love her songs. All of them (well...ok, there are a couple I skip...but they are ones she only covers anyway). When I put my headphones in at the gym and turn my iPod onto random, I'm BOUND to get a Nichole Nordeman song in the mix, because I have all 128 of them! (Definitely made that number up--but there are a lot. GOOD!)

When the NN song comes on, I just go ahead and change my playlist to only songs by her for the rest of the time after that (still on random of course...it's how I roll at the gym). If it's taking too long to get to one by her, I just go ahead and ch... oh wait--I just typed that. Yep! I do the same thing in both situations.

So today... I didn't bother waiting for either. Instead:
1-Entered gym doors
2-Hung keys on little hooky thingy
3-iPod strapped to (buff) bicep
4-iPod, "Music"-> "Artists" -> "Nichole Nordeman"... "Shuffle - - - - songs"
5-Middle button of iPod to get things rolling
6-"Brave" scrolling across my screen... AAAAH, SO good, but not what I'm blogging about here.
7-"Brave" done. "Even Then" scrolling across my screen. Also SO good. Totally what I'm blogging about here.

...So here it is... because I know I won't be the only one relieved by these words. Because I know that, most of the time, we put expectations on ourselves or project that others have them of us. But even when they are really there, however they've come about, this is what Jesus has been teaching me to pray...

Even Then

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

So, thank You...


Thank You, Jesus. I don't reach You--You've reached me.



...And thank You for Nichole Nordeman. Amen.

I have hair!

There are some days when I am very aware of my hair. Not in the sense that I know what it looks like, but in the sense that I have it. Like today: I was walking with God on a path today, and my hair fell to the sides of my face as the wind pushed it slightly forward. Normally, I might just get a piece of it stuck in my mouth as I try flinging it back into place, annoyed and cursing my unkempt mane under the hot sun... But today, it just appeared so un-intrusively in my peripherals that the only thing going through my mind was, "I have hair..." It was then that either the cool breeze or my hair itself brushed over my ears... "And its pretty," I almost audibly heard. I think maybe it was God, but I don't want to put words into His mouth.

At any rate, I have been hearing His voice dance across the path all afternoon... Even as I sit by the pond writing this, He is not being silent to me. There aren't many words, but in the cattail-rustling, pond-splashing, and bird-chirping all around, He is not being silent...

And just like I am aware of my hair today, it hits me that I am aware of His presence with me also... not in the sense that I know what He looks like, but in the sense that I have Him...

He is just there--like my hair is just there. He is on me like the soft strands that fall and brush my cheeks--made known to my senses by the wind that gently moves them. And I have done nothing to acquire this covering--this crown that, were it actually made of gold and diamonds, would be too harsh. Instead, it is simply from dust that it was made, and to dust that it shall return... yet it is the LIFE that God has breathed into this dust that captures the breeze and the sounds and the rhythm of my life, like a true crown should. And it is just there--like God is just there--on me, covering me, growing without any command of my own... for I have done nothing to deserve my hair. Just like I have done nothing to deserve His presence... There are some days when I am very aware of that.

Like today...
Today, I am just very aware of my hair--and of His presence.

I am grateful for both of them.

SEAN'S RIGHT!

I'm on my Sabbath today...
...per the STRONG recommendation of SEAN GAFNER.
He's right... I've needed one. It feels like I've been going nonstop since graduation...

All GOOD activities and engagements, of course, but nonstop, none-the-less... and I seem to expend quite a bit of mental energy when I'm doing anything. So the nonstop-mental-energy on top of the physical demands really have found me EXHAUSTED at the end of these three weeks. (SEAN also told me that it's hard to actually admit something like that... yep, He's right AGAIN)

But maybe the next time I graduate from college, move into a new place, change my life, lead worship for a conference, let GOD change my life, and staff a missions training week (which also changed my life), things will be spaced out a little more...

Or not...

Such is life. And that's why we need a Sabbath.

Thank you, SEAN.

Thank you, GOD!!!


I'm gonna go for walk... don't try to find me.

Like those who dream...

So many things changed at the "When God Dreams" conference... things in other churches, things in our own church, things in others' lives, things in my life... so many chains were broken, so many battles were won, so many dreams were inspired and re-inspired, so many people left truly encouraged... God did great things.

Then Sunday happened for the Stirring, and God blew the gates off the hinges--forget "opening them wider"! MORE people were encouraged, MORE people were changed, MORE people were anointed and filled, MORE people were crying out and breathing in--they were MORE willing to give their lives than ever before. I was only there Sunday morning (which was so powerful enough for my own life), but I heard AMAZING stories about the night services too. I wish there would have been a giant earthquake or something that shook all of Redding...just for dramatic emphasis... but God knows well enough how to get His point across on His own...
And He knows well enough how His Spirit impacts peoples' entire lives better than I do... He knows we don't always need giant earthquakes...

Monday morning I woke up with a passion for a Spirit-filled life like I've never had before. And I got on my knees before God and begged Him to just keep filling my life like my life depended on it! Because, it does now... it really does. Nathan and Derrick both said this the last two weeks of our Acts series at the Stirring: "If you 'can live without' the Holy Spirit, you probably will." Well, I just can't anymore. Nor do I want to. So I begged God... I said, "God, you HAVE to keep filling me... because if you don't, then I won't know what to do!"

And that's how it will be for me... I've already seen the evidence. I've already noticed the change.

I also said a few other things to God--some things about dreams, some things about what He's told me about them. And His Spirit will guide me in those just like the days it takes to approach them... Each day I will say to my Lord, "If you keep filling, I will keep pouring out..." For that is all I can do. Apart from Him, I can do nothing...
Wow... Did I EVER think I would really reach that place--the place where Jesus' words find their reality in the very reality I find myself in?
Well whether I DID believe it or not, I do now. And I'm beginning to see how it has freed me...

How it has freed me up to not only live NOW, but to also dream for what's to come. Because I was always too afraid to hope before. Maybe because I was always hoping too much for the wrong thing...
Because I never knew that when God frees me, He frees me to dream too... that when God takes back those that have been held captive, He takes them back so that they can share His dreams of taking back others...
So that they can say among the nations, "The Lord has done GREAT THINGS..."

This is the song that I dedicate to those at the conference this weekend. This is the song that I dedicate to all the churches there and to all God's children that He brought back from captivity this weekend. This is the song I dedicate to our church--and to Christ's Church all over...
As He breaks fears and chains, as He brings back "the captive ones of Zion," may we really be "like those who dream."

(Yes, again, it's a Kristene Mueller song... what can I say? She is one who dreams.)


THOSE WHO DREAM

When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion
They were like those who dream
And their mouths were filled with laughter
And their tongues with joyful shouting

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things
We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things

More than the watchmen wait for the morning
Our souls wait
Our souls wait upon the Lord
For with Him is loving kindness
And abundant redemption

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things
We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things

Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things...


My friends, my brothers and sisters, my fellow freed-captives...
Let's be like those who dream.

The Lord HAS done great things!!!

I happen to agree...

I have this friend named Aubrey who turned twenty-years old today. She's got the most amazing heart I've ever encountered... so I always feel like I'm encountering God's heart when I'm with her. She loves God with all of it... maybe that's why. Sometimes, I have to encourage Aubrey, because He has called her over and over again to be so brave. But I know that even if I wasn't there, her heart would find its way into His presence anyway... because He has called her... over and over again...

Once she thought she was asleep. But God told me to tell her that she was just waking up...
Once she thought she was a failure... but He wanted her to know that His love never fails.
Once she thought she had nothing to offer; but her Lord speaks differently about her--so she's learning to let what He says be true...

She's not just sleep-walking, forgetting, and merely existing as the backdrop to someone else's story of "making an impact" and legacy-leaving... NO...

She is sleep-WAKING, remembering, and stepping onto the scene of this grand play that God has been making her life into all along. She IS the "impacter" and legacy-leaver. But it's hard for her to watch her own story AND be in it at the same time...

So, sometimes, I have to remind Aubrey that these last twenty years are more beautiful than she can see. And that the next twenty years are a kind of beautiful that only God can see for now... In fact, they are a kind of "beautiful" all their own--because they belong only to God as ONLY He can see them. He is giving her HOPE because He sees the life they hold. He is giving her COURAGE because He sees how big they are. He is giving her FAITH because He sees how she will grow. He is giving her DREAMS because He sees how her heart is just like His...

And that describes my friend named Aubrey well--a daughter with a heart just like her Father's.

So these coming years may have moments where, to her, they seem mundane or scary or digressing or... impossible...
But I know that, to Him, they will always be incredibly more than they seem... incredibly more full of possibilities than she knows.

And, to me, these coming years in her life will always be HIS...
Because, no matter what, she has always been His. No matter what... these coming years are already so very BEAUTIFUL. Because, like her past and her present, He already sees them as so very beautiful.

I happen to agree with His point of view about this particular story--about this particular story of this particular friend of mine.
Because, from what I know, God's opinion is a very good thing to trust.

And Because, twenty years ago, God's opinion saw my friend Aubrey as a very good thing for the world...


And yeah... I happen to agree with that.


Happy Birthday, Aubrey. He is making you a mountain.

This is the day.

"This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
-Psalm 118:24

This is the day...

This is the day the Lord has made.
This is the day my whole life changes.
This is the day my new song begins...

This day I will give to You, Oh Lord--
My Help and my God,
Who brings me life...
And if I do not praise--
If I do not sing--
My bones cannot contain this fire...
So Spirit come and be my voice.

This is the day the Lord has made...
This is the day my whole life changes...
Spirit come and fill my bones...

This is the day my new song begins.
__________________________________


"If no one else will, then I must say... I love the Lord Jesus with ALL MY HEART."
-Florrie Evans

Amen...

...And His I'll be

Did you know that perfect love casts out fear? Of course, this is hard for us to grasp as humans. We love imperfectly, and we are afraid a lot.

But lately, God has been speaking about how His love is perfect—and this perfection is more than just a state of being. His perfection is an act of completion, of fulfillment. When God perfects, it is a fulfilling kind of completing act, which, really, leaves no room for anything else other than the fullness and completeness of whatever He is perfecting in us. It’s like—He’s redeeming so FULLY that anything else but His will and presence must go.

So this is the kind of perfect love that He’s been speaking about. The kind that makes fear go.

At the 'When God Dreams' conference this weekend, we talked all about fear and courage and encouragement and discouragement… and how there is a war RAGING for a generation upon which God wants to re-release His anointing of “why-not?” dreaming and also His anointing of ENCOURAGEMENT. We talked about how fear and discouragement are two of Satan’s primary weapons and how he tries to frighten and disarm us out of our intimately-connected-to-God dreams!

As we were talking about all this, I just couldn’t get out of my head the fact that perfect love casts out fear. We talked about fear, and we talked about courage—we talked about discouragement and we talked about encouragement. We talked about a community of encouragement, and how very important it is for us all to be both cultivating and surrounding ourselves with such a community. We also talked about God’s presence… and how in God’s presence, encouragement reigns… and if God is calling us to dream things that are scary, to dream things that are BIG, to dream things that have never been done before, or…just that we have never done before… we WILL face fear… so we will need to learn how to have courage in the face of that fear... we will need to learn how to get in God’s presence, let Him speak, hear His voice, feel our fears leave… we will need to learn how to be God’s…

That is what I’m learning—through all this romancing and calling and encouraging that He has been doing in my life—I’m learning how to be His. And I’m convinced that in His perfect love, I am His more fully than any fear could ruin. Because if I let Him draw me into His perfect love, than I must also let Him drive out fear… I must allow Him to love me so fully and completely that there is no room for fear anymore. I must allow Him to cast out fear, so that His love may be made complete in me… and through me, His love may be made more complete in others. It is my desire to be encouraging to others in this way—to put COURAGE in others in this way—but He is speaking so clearly that I must first allow Him to put courage in me… By His presence, by His truth, by His voice, by His grace, and by His perfect perfect love… Mmhmm, I must allow Him to put courage in me by His perfect love…
And in EVERYTHING, I must remember that He will cast out my fear.

…then I can more fully be His.
…then I can more fully live.
And then I can more fully live His DREAMS…

Of course, if I’m going to enter into this kind of love with Him, it means that I have to let go of some things... some things that are surface probably, but mostly some things that are deeply, DEEPLY rooted in me (which, the surface things are usually just reflecting). I am going to have to let go of what God's love casts out. I am definitely going to have to let go of what God's PERFECT love casts out... that is, this fear—this fear of man, this fear of inadequacy, this fear of failure… This fear of not “having what it takes”… Because HE says I have what it takes. Because He has chosen me, because He has called me, I must assume that He thinks I have what it takes. And I am going to have to let go of these fears.

But what encourages me a lot is that I don't have to do it alone. HE, of course, is the "caster." HE, of course, is the completer. He started it, He finishes it. He calls me, He wants me. If I let go of what He's casting off of me and out of me, He will finally have me... and His I’ll finally be.


I wrote all of this because He's romancing me right now (like I said in my last blog). And I was thinking about how, though He is acting and calling and inviting and completing... what is my part? How do I respond? It's funny that even MY part has something to do with His part. Even what I do is inextricably dependent upon something He will be doing.

Kristene Mueller sings a line in "Jamie's Song" that won't leave me alone… which, makes sense, because GOD won't leave me alone either. He wants me to be His. He wants me to keep coming into perfect love with Him. And I desperately want that too.

I know it will take time. I know I am on a journey. I know it’ll be a process...yes, God’s acts seem to be such long-bearing processes sometimes... And who can say when God's processes end? But I do believe He'll keep sweeping my fear away, so I think I'll just keep letting it go and keep being His...

Here is “Jamie’s Song”…
You can probably figure out what line won’t leave me alone…

JAMIE’S SONG

She's a sparkle in her Father's eye
Kind of like the moon tonight
She's destined for divinity
Her portion is His purity
And a glance His way comes across her face

He sheds a tear, oh oh
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
Amazing love
Oh she's been found
A sparkle in her Father's crown

Holy Love come raining down
Come storming in, be jealous found
Come violent love
Come stormy seas
Sweep fear away and Yours shall be

And even if He had ninety-nine
That stayed at home and stayed in line
He would not be satisfied
He would still go out to find
The one who's always on His mind
And bring her back, arms opened wide

He sheds a tear, oh oh
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
Amazing love
Oh she's been found

Holy Love come raining down
Come storming in, be jealous found
Come violent love
Come stormy seas
Sweep fear away and Yours shall be...

Unfinished

.....God is romancing me right now. I'm sure of it. I don't know that I've ever said that before or ever thought I would, but today He came into the gym through my iPod headphones, held out His hand and asked if I'd care to leave mid-workout to come write a song with Him instead.

For a second (but only for a split-second) I thought, "God, how can you ask me to leave something unfinished?"
But quickly He reminded me about the disciples' fishing nets, and I knew I had no excuse not to drop mine...

So I am in the gym parking lot with my car running, writing this down as if I'm some place where there aren't twenty people spying from treadmills and elipticals through gym windows and my car windshield... as if it can't wait until I get home... but i don't really care. God is romancing me, and this is just the beginning of the song we're going to write together today.


Actually, I have a feeling the song started yesterday, with the first line being, "I've left everything for You..."

But maybe I haven't really left everything for Him yet... maybe that's why He's romancing me right now...

...maybe it's not really my gym-workout that's been currently left unfinished.

Just gettin' ready.

Just gettin' ready for WHEN GOD DREAMS next Thursday... I didn't know how excited I was about it until staff meeting on Tuesday. We prayed and we hoped and we exposed fears and we got excited and then we prayed again... Amazing. I'm so honored to be on staff with the people I'm on staff with. I'm so honored to be stepping into my own dream that God placed in me so many years ago. It's scary though... terrifying actually. But that's one of the things we were talking about--how ACTUALLY stepping into your dream may be even harder and more frightening than daring to dream it...

When you are daring to dream, the dream still seems so far off--so, yes, that IS scary--that IS risky in-and-of-itself... I'm definitely not discounting the courage it takes to dream dreams and have visions and keep hoping for things that seem like never could or would happen. After all, one of the greatest fears we have in life is the fear that our hopes will fail us.

But what happens when they don't? What happens when you actually reach a goal and now must trust that you actually can "have what it takes" to do this thing that once seemed so unattainable? I mean, it's not like what I do is THAT big or impossible...especially with the support and encouragement constantly surrounding me, leading worship at the Stirring is an honor that I have found consistent grace and freedom in. I still place pressure on myself though... probably because I DO believe that I'm stepping into something bigger than me...

At staff meeting though, I realized that that is precisely why I shouldn't be afraid--why I should keep pressing in. Because with all my shortcomings, with all my inadequacies, with all my past failures and incompetencies in certain areas (which seem way-too-often to get more of my attention than my competencies and successes), GOD is still bigger than me. THIS is still bigger than me. Which is very very good. If I fail, not only am I His, but this is also His. He asks me to participate, but in the end... it is still His. I'm not big enough to mess that up. Oh my foolish pride that thinks I could sometimes...

So with these thoughts comes the courage to step into this God-dream that He planted in me so long ago... With these realizations of IDENTITY in HIM (Thank you, TJ Macke!!!!), I think I just may be able to real-ize this God-dream...

I think I just may be able to be brave and risk some more and maybe fail and maybe find that there is still grace and maybe--just maybe--step out in courage and let Him "complete the good work He has begun" in me.

That's all I have to do really... let Him complete something He's started.

Because when God dreams, He does it so that He can complete those dreams.
He wants us to have the courage to dream, but He also wants us to remain in the trust it takes realize them.


So, I'm just gettin' ready for WHEN GOD DREAMS next Thursday...
....and just steppin' into one of mine that is to be realized now.



Peace ya'll. It's gonna be a good summer.

...in list form.

I haven't blogged in a while, so I will really quickly.

In fact... LIST TIME!!! (woo hoo!)

1) Graduated from Simpson University on Saturday.
2) Found Danae to say goodbye as she packed and cried and I tried to "stay strong"...but then cried alone right after. Awful.
3) Packed a little and had a grad party and saw some of my favorite people and went crazy and laughed REAL hard and went crazy again and packed again and laughed REAL REAL hard and finally went to sleep Saturday night...finally.
4) Woke up Sunday morning WAY too early...packed up my stuff at the Ho-Jo AND packed more stuff at the dorm before Stirring AM.
5) Went to the Stirring AM with Aubrey and Hannah and my family...and was reminded of the already-home that is re-becoming my home in this new part of life.
6) Cried during worship (outwardly). Cried during the drive back to Simpson (inwardly).
7) Checked out of Morgan-Sharpe, officially. No crying--just denial.
8) Said goodbye to Aubrey.
9) Got in my car. WEPT.
10) Went to Chipotle with Hannah. Matt and Nolan joined. SO SO good. I loved it.
11) Went to the Stirring to lead some worship songs, saw my father in the second row next to my sister and bro-in-law, sat down, laughed at Nate and Dan, spilled my iced-down soda, sang and played again at the seven o'clock, slipped out for coffee, cried on the way cause the sky was so beautiful (must've been an emotional weekend or something), came back, sang some more, felt the Spirit...which was so good...
12) Left the Stirring exhausted.
13) Was welcomed more warmly than I could have ever imagined or asked for at the Gafners' house...and saw my stuff already in my room. Incredible. I am blessed.
14) Went to sleep...slept WELL. Woke up... woke up WELL.
15) Smiled at the kids' early morning laughter and showered without conditioner... woops.
16) Bought conditioner at Target.
17) Breakfast with my father and Joy and Nate and Haillie and Isaac. Haillie wiped her snot on me, and I wiped the orange-juiced wheat toast crumbs off her forehead.
17) Back to the Gafners'--did some un-packing/napping/nostalgic thinking and staring and remembering.
18) Decided to get coffee at Yaks. Because they have wireless.
19) Got coffee at Yaks and got on Yaks' wireless.
20) Wrote a blog about the last two days of my life...in list form.


Now you know a little about my last two days...in list form...
It doesn't capture everything, but it captures more than nothing.


See ya around Redding! Since I live here now...

Different Than Normal

Ok--two blogs in one afternoon. But this one needs writing, and the one below this is kinda boring. So here's numero dos:

It's Good Friday... the sky is orange right now. Incredible. I wonder if God does that kind of thing on purpose sometimes... to remind us that there days in history that are important, days in history that are really important, and then days in history that are so important even the skies still feel it. Those are the days in history that change everything about history. Good Friday was one of those days.

The orange sky isn't necessary... I remember that the ground shook when Jesus died on the cross...that the curtain in the temple ripped down the middle from top to bottom...that dead holy people were raised and started walking around the holy city...that God felt it when Jesus asked why he had been forsaken.

The orange sky does remind me, though, that Good Friday is more real than a story I just remember every year. And it changes my reality still today. If Christ's death on the cross was meant to have lasting impressions into the very life I live now, then God knows I need to be reminded of that.

It's not that the sky is blood red--it's not rumbling without a cause. It's not that orange is even significant of anything... theological... or... well, anything. It's just that it's different than normal. And I think maybe that's why I noticed God's sky today... because it reminds me that Good Friday has made it possible for me to be different than normal.

We all know our sins put Jesus on the cross just as much as the Roman Soldier who later realized, "Surely he was the Son of God!" And most of us would probably say that our sins continue to do so every year... But I'd venture to say that the Roman Soldier was never the same after realizing what he witnessed. He probably wasn't perfect but...different than normal.

I want to be like the orange sky. I want Christ's crucifixion to change my coloring. I want His sacrifice to really affect me even today... and I want God to maybe feel good when I realize that He, now, doesn't have to forsake me. I'm not His Son...
but I get to be His daughter... and that does make a difference.


God, you've given me eyes to see the possibilities; please grant me the courage to be different than normal. Amen.

I am richly blessed

I'm addressing grad invitations, and it's killing me! One minute, I'm thinking "Gosh, I'm so excited...I can't believe I made it through all four years...." and the next minute, I'm nostalgic: "WHYYYYYYY do I have to grow uuuuuuuup????" *whiny crying face*

But I'm not ashamed of this. A part of me is a little proud even...
...not because I've had the best grades the whole time.
...not because I'm only person in the world to ever complete undergrad school.
...and (definitely) not because I feel ready.

Nah... I think a part of me is a little proud because a part of me is thinking about some of the people that might be a little proud of me. Because I've had a lot of great teachers, and I've had a lot of great friends... and I've had a lot of mentors and encouragers and belivers-in-me over the years... but I've never really known how to thank them appropriately.

Maybe I always secretly hoped I'd be rich by now--so I could buy them all cars or ponies (depending on their environmental concerns)... or, yes, even famous--so I could publicly give honor where honor is due.

I don't know if I'll ever get to do those things, but I do hope they are proud of me...

I hope my grandpa knows that I want to be "a great woman of a granddaughter" for him.
I hope my father knows that I'm glad to have inherited his learner's mind...and his love for humor.
I hope my sisters know that I always found comfort in thoughts of them, no matter how far away from home I was.
I hope my mom knows that she is constantly helping me "make it"--that I still kind of need her...
I hope my step-dad knows that I don't know where I'd be without his faithful commitment and grace.

I hope my high school history teacher remembers how she always gave me space to breathe.
I hope my psychology teacher smiles when she remembers how EVERYTHING fascinated me.
I hope my mentors know that I don't take their investments lightly... I hope they know they changed my life.


I hope my best friends know I couldn't have survived school-combined-with-life without them.
I hope the ones younger than me find out someday that, really, they taught me how to grow, more than the other way around.
I hope my professors know how grateful I am for the way they've ruined my assumptions, exposed my tiny worldview, and given me back the pieces with Christ-seeking tools of reconstruction.
I hope my pastors know that I'm thankful they keep pointing me to Jesus.


I hope all these people (and more) know that whatever life they've spoken to me or love they've shown me has not been in vain. I'm not rich or famous by the world's standards...so I can't give them what the worldly part of me wishes it could...
But I am richly blessed by their influences and famously thankful to them wherever I go.

And maybe that's what graduation is really about...
...not showing that I had the best grades the whole time.
...not showing that "I, too" have completed undergrad school.
...and (oh my gosh-DEFINITELY) not showing that "Yeah! I feel ready for the world now!"

No...I've had good grades before, I've completed some things here and there, and I've experienced my fair share of the world...which, I'm convinced I'm not supposed to feel ready for anyway.

Maybe graduation is really more about those people that I think might be a little proud of me. Maybe it's about them seeing me at this point in my life and thinking, "Gosh, I'm so excited...I can't believe she made it through all four years!" Although, they probably can believe it... they probably believe it better than me...

Because they are the ones that would have always believed it for me, regardless of anything shown at my graduation.




I am richly blessed by them...and very famously thankful...