Just gettin' ready.

Just gettin' ready for WHEN GOD DREAMS next Thursday... I didn't know how excited I was about it until staff meeting on Tuesday. We prayed and we hoped and we exposed fears and we got excited and then we prayed again... Amazing. I'm so honored to be on staff with the people I'm on staff with. I'm so honored to be stepping into my own dream that God placed in me so many years ago. It's scary though... terrifying actually. But that's one of the things we were talking about--how ACTUALLY stepping into your dream may be even harder and more frightening than daring to dream it...

When you are daring to dream, the dream still seems so far off--so, yes, that IS scary--that IS risky in-and-of-itself... I'm definitely not discounting the courage it takes to dream dreams and have visions and keep hoping for things that seem like never could or would happen. After all, one of the greatest fears we have in life is the fear that our hopes will fail us.

But what happens when they don't? What happens when you actually reach a goal and now must trust that you actually can "have what it takes" to do this thing that once seemed so unattainable? I mean, it's not like what I do is THAT big or impossible...especially with the support and encouragement constantly surrounding me, leading worship at the Stirring is an honor that I have found consistent grace and freedom in. I still place pressure on myself though... probably because I DO believe that I'm stepping into something bigger than me...

At staff meeting though, I realized that that is precisely why I shouldn't be afraid--why I should keep pressing in. Because with all my shortcomings, with all my inadequacies, with all my past failures and incompetencies in certain areas (which seem way-too-often to get more of my attention than my competencies and successes), GOD is still bigger than me. THIS is still bigger than me. Which is very very good. If I fail, not only am I His, but this is also His. He asks me to participate, but in the end... it is still His. I'm not big enough to mess that up. Oh my foolish pride that thinks I could sometimes...

So with these thoughts comes the courage to step into this God-dream that He planted in me so long ago... With these realizations of IDENTITY in HIM (Thank you, TJ Macke!!!!), I think I just may be able to real-ize this God-dream...

I think I just may be able to be brave and risk some more and maybe fail and maybe find that there is still grace and maybe--just maybe--step out in courage and let Him "complete the good work He has begun" in me.

That's all I have to do really... let Him complete something He's started.

Because when God dreams, He does it so that He can complete those dreams.
He wants us to have the courage to dream, but He also wants us to remain in the trust it takes realize them.


So, I'm just gettin' ready for WHEN GOD DREAMS next Thursday...
....and just steppin' into one of mine that is to be realized now.



Peace ya'll. It's gonna be a good summer.

...in list form.

I haven't blogged in a while, so I will really quickly.

In fact... LIST TIME!!! (woo hoo!)

1) Graduated from Simpson University on Saturday.
2) Found Danae to say goodbye as she packed and cried and I tried to "stay strong"...but then cried alone right after. Awful.
3) Packed a little and had a grad party and saw some of my favorite people and went crazy and laughed REAL hard and went crazy again and packed again and laughed REAL REAL hard and finally went to sleep Saturday night...finally.
4) Woke up Sunday morning WAY too early...packed up my stuff at the Ho-Jo AND packed more stuff at the dorm before Stirring AM.
5) Went to the Stirring AM with Aubrey and Hannah and my family...and was reminded of the already-home that is re-becoming my home in this new part of life.
6) Cried during worship (outwardly). Cried during the drive back to Simpson (inwardly).
7) Checked out of Morgan-Sharpe, officially. No crying--just denial.
8) Said goodbye to Aubrey.
9) Got in my car. WEPT.
10) Went to Chipotle with Hannah. Matt and Nolan joined. SO SO good. I loved it.
11) Went to the Stirring to lead some worship songs, saw my father in the second row next to my sister and bro-in-law, sat down, laughed at Nate and Dan, spilled my iced-down soda, sang and played again at the seven o'clock, slipped out for coffee, cried on the way cause the sky was so beautiful (must've been an emotional weekend or something), came back, sang some more, felt the Spirit...which was so good...
12) Left the Stirring exhausted.
13) Was welcomed more warmly than I could have ever imagined or asked for at the Gafners' house...and saw my stuff already in my room. Incredible. I am blessed.
14) Went to sleep...slept WELL. Woke up... woke up WELL.
15) Smiled at the kids' early morning laughter and showered without conditioner... woops.
16) Bought conditioner at Target.
17) Breakfast with my father and Joy and Nate and Haillie and Isaac. Haillie wiped her snot on me, and I wiped the orange-juiced wheat toast crumbs off her forehead.
17) Back to the Gafners'--did some un-packing/napping/nostalgic thinking and staring and remembering.
18) Decided to get coffee at Yaks. Because they have wireless.
19) Got coffee at Yaks and got on Yaks' wireless.
20) Wrote a blog about the last two days of my life...in list form.


Now you know a little about my last two days...in list form...
It doesn't capture everything, but it captures more than nothing.


See ya around Redding! Since I live here now...

Different Than Normal

Ok--two blogs in one afternoon. But this one needs writing, and the one below this is kinda boring. So here's numero dos:

It's Good Friday... the sky is orange right now. Incredible. I wonder if God does that kind of thing on purpose sometimes... to remind us that there days in history that are important, days in history that are really important, and then days in history that are so important even the skies still feel it. Those are the days in history that change everything about history. Good Friday was one of those days.

The orange sky isn't necessary... I remember that the ground shook when Jesus died on the cross...that the curtain in the temple ripped down the middle from top to bottom...that dead holy people were raised and started walking around the holy city...that God felt it when Jesus asked why he had been forsaken.

The orange sky does remind me, though, that Good Friday is more real than a story I just remember every year. And it changes my reality still today. If Christ's death on the cross was meant to have lasting impressions into the very life I live now, then God knows I need to be reminded of that.

It's not that the sky is blood red--it's not rumbling without a cause. It's not that orange is even significant of anything... theological... or... well, anything. It's just that it's different than normal. And I think maybe that's why I noticed God's sky today... because it reminds me that Good Friday has made it possible for me to be different than normal.

We all know our sins put Jesus on the cross just as much as the Roman Soldier who later realized, "Surely he was the Son of God!" And most of us would probably say that our sins continue to do so every year... But I'd venture to say that the Roman Soldier was never the same after realizing what he witnessed. He probably wasn't perfect but...different than normal.

I want to be like the orange sky. I want Christ's crucifixion to change my coloring. I want His sacrifice to really affect me even today... and I want God to maybe feel good when I realize that He, now, doesn't have to forsake me. I'm not His Son...
but I get to be His daughter... and that does make a difference.


God, you've given me eyes to see the possibilities; please grant me the courage to be different than normal. Amen.

I am richly blessed

I'm addressing grad invitations, and it's killing me! One minute, I'm thinking "Gosh, I'm so excited...I can't believe I made it through all four years...." and the next minute, I'm nostalgic: "WHYYYYYYY do I have to grow uuuuuuuup????" *whiny crying face*

But I'm not ashamed of this. A part of me is a little proud even...
...not because I've had the best grades the whole time.
...not because I'm only person in the world to ever complete undergrad school.
...and (definitely) not because I feel ready.

Nah... I think a part of me is a little proud because a part of me is thinking about some of the people that might be a little proud of me. Because I've had a lot of great teachers, and I've had a lot of great friends... and I've had a lot of mentors and encouragers and belivers-in-me over the years... but I've never really known how to thank them appropriately.

Maybe I always secretly hoped I'd be rich by now--so I could buy them all cars or ponies (depending on their environmental concerns)... or, yes, even famous--so I could publicly give honor where honor is due.

I don't know if I'll ever get to do those things, but I do hope they are proud of me...

I hope my grandpa knows that I want to be "a great woman of a granddaughter" for him.
I hope my father knows that I'm glad to have inherited his learner's mind...and his love for humor.
I hope my sisters know that I always found comfort in thoughts of them, no matter how far away from home I was.
I hope my mom knows that she is constantly helping me "make it"--that I still kind of need her...
I hope my step-dad knows that I don't know where I'd be without his faithful commitment and grace.

I hope my high school history teacher remembers how she always gave me space to breathe.
I hope my psychology teacher smiles when she remembers how EVERYTHING fascinated me.
I hope my mentors know that I don't take their investments lightly... I hope they know they changed my life.


I hope my best friends know I couldn't have survived school-combined-with-life without them.
I hope the ones younger than me find out someday that, really, they taught me how to grow, more than the other way around.
I hope my professors know how grateful I am for the way they've ruined my assumptions, exposed my tiny worldview, and given me back the pieces with Christ-seeking tools of reconstruction.
I hope my pastors know that I'm thankful they keep pointing me to Jesus.


I hope all these people (and more) know that whatever life they've spoken to me or love they've shown me has not been in vain. I'm not rich or famous by the world's standards...so I can't give them what the worldly part of me wishes it could...
But I am richly blessed by their influences and famously thankful to them wherever I go.

And maybe that's what graduation is really about...
...not showing that I had the best grades the whole time.
...not showing that "I, too" have completed undergrad school.
...and (oh my gosh-DEFINITELY) not showing that "Yeah! I feel ready for the world now!"

No...I've had good grades before, I've completed some things here and there, and I've experienced my fair share of the world...which, I'm convinced I'm not supposed to feel ready for anyway.

Maybe graduation is really more about those people that I think might be a little proud of me. Maybe it's about them seeing me at this point in my life and thinking, "Gosh, I'm so excited...I can't believe she made it through all four years!" Although, they probably can believe it... they probably believe it better than me...

Because they are the ones that would have always believed it for me, regardless of anything shown at my graduation.




I am richly blessed by them...and very famously thankful...