If I could gain anything...

I probably shouldn't be on the computer right now... it's my Sabbath today. Are there rules in the ten commandments about being on your computer during Sabbath? Probably... maybe the part that says "...to keep it holy." But that only makes me wonder what "holy" is anyway...

Well, until God speaks more clearly to me about this (or convicts me to the point of no escape, like He has to resort to sometimes), I'm going to write a blog about Him in the middle of my Sabbath today. Because I started my Sabbath with these thoughts about Him, and they are continuing strongly. And I blog when these kinds of thoughts continue like this. I don't know what else to do sometimes... it's just what I have in my hand...

So, this is where you would find me if you walked into my room right now...

You'd see the back of my head--hair all pony-tailed up and slightly dancing by the command of steadily descending air from my ceiling fan. You'd see my awesome, little vintage desk pushed up against my awesome, yellow-painted wall, underneath this awesome, creatively-painted sunset scene on the 3x4ft canvas that I pretend is a window sometimes. You'd see me sitting at it, on my laptop, typing this blog as if it were an email to a long-lost triplet I just discovered I had...or a letter to the President, inquiring about the mystery that is gas-prices. And you'd probably see the T.V. to my right, the tiny electric guitar amp to my left, and a few un-hung pictures awaiting my constantly stolen attention. But more than anything else, what I'd hope you see, and what you'd EVENTUALLY see (if you ventured into my room further), is the true grace and generosity pervading this place in which I currently dwell--this place that has been handed openly to me with blessing upon blessing poured all over it--this place that the Gafners have revealed the hospitable heart of God through and have welcomed my wandering, terrified, graduating-and-growing-up new self into. And where, every day I can depart and return rest-assured that, indeed, the Father does provide. He has provided for me my whole life, and He continues to provide for me as though I am sufficiently and quite excellently earning it all.

...But I have never earned any of this... And in all my efforts, I have only found the part of me that deserves a sufficient amount of reprimand and probably "a good spank on the bottom" as my mother would say... In all of my efforts, the only thing that I have found to be sufficient is His GRACE. His grace upon grace upon grace... that He has only ever poured and poured and poured onto me. I had never dared to ask for it... Fortunately for me, He had never dared wait until then to give it anyway. And so all I find now, is myself ENVELOPED in it--this grace that has sustained and provided for me. All I find now, is myself indescribably grateful.

And this is where you would find me if you walked into my room right now...

Back of my head, pony-tailed hair, vintage desk, yellow wall, sunset scene, and pictures not yet in place... But hopefully more than anything, and probably eventually... you would find this dwelling place that displays the very generosity of what we have been talking about at the Stirring lately... you would find this example of God's giving and sharing and open hand, that, out of an open heart, gives whatever is in it... And you would find me exactly where I find myself...

Indescribably grateful... praying that if I can gain anything, it would only be a heart that is the same way.


If I could gain anything right now, it would be a generous heart like the Gafners'...















...in whose house I can even enjoy this maybe marred Sabbath ;)

I love Nichole Nordeman! ("exclamatory titles" number 3)

I LOVE Nichole Nordeman. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. (So I guess if you're reading this, welcome to knowing me). But I do--I love her. I love her voice, I love her thoughts, I love her heart behind them both... I love the way she writes lyrics and puts them to music... it convinces me that God's first language is SONG. I love her songs. All of them (well...ok, there are a couple I skip...but they are ones she only covers anyway). When I put my headphones in at the gym and turn my iPod onto random, I'm BOUND to get a Nichole Nordeman song in the mix, because I have all 128 of them! (Definitely made that number up--but there are a lot. GOOD!)

When the NN song comes on, I just go ahead and change my playlist to only songs by her for the rest of the time after that (still on random of course...it's how I roll at the gym). If it's taking too long to get to one by her, I just go ahead and ch... oh wait--I just typed that. Yep! I do the same thing in both situations.

So today... I didn't bother waiting for either. Instead:
1-Entered gym doors
2-Hung keys on little hooky thingy
3-iPod strapped to (buff) bicep
4-iPod, "Music"-> "Artists" -> "Nichole Nordeman"... "Shuffle - - - - songs"
5-Middle button of iPod to get things rolling
6-"Brave" scrolling across my screen... AAAAH, SO good, but not what I'm blogging about here.
7-"Brave" done. "Even Then" scrolling across my screen. Also SO good. Totally what I'm blogging about here.

...So here it is... because I know I won't be the only one relieved by these words. Because I know that, most of the time, we put expectations on ourselves or project that others have them of us. But even when they are really there, however they've come about, this is what Jesus has been teaching me to pray...

Even Then

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

So, thank You...


Thank You, Jesus. I don't reach You--You've reached me.



...And thank You for Nichole Nordeman. Amen.

I have hair!

There are some days when I am very aware of my hair. Not in the sense that I know what it looks like, but in the sense that I have it. Like today: I was walking with God on a path today, and my hair fell to the sides of my face as the wind pushed it slightly forward. Normally, I might just get a piece of it stuck in my mouth as I try flinging it back into place, annoyed and cursing my unkempt mane under the hot sun... But today, it just appeared so un-intrusively in my peripherals that the only thing going through my mind was, "I have hair..." It was then that either the cool breeze or my hair itself brushed over my ears... "And its pretty," I almost audibly heard. I think maybe it was God, but I don't want to put words into His mouth.

At any rate, I have been hearing His voice dance across the path all afternoon... Even as I sit by the pond writing this, He is not being silent to me. There aren't many words, but in the cattail-rustling, pond-splashing, and bird-chirping all around, He is not being silent...

And just like I am aware of my hair today, it hits me that I am aware of His presence with me also... not in the sense that I know what He looks like, but in the sense that I have Him...

He is just there--like my hair is just there. He is on me like the soft strands that fall and brush my cheeks--made known to my senses by the wind that gently moves them. And I have done nothing to acquire this covering--this crown that, were it actually made of gold and diamonds, would be too harsh. Instead, it is simply from dust that it was made, and to dust that it shall return... yet it is the LIFE that God has breathed into this dust that captures the breeze and the sounds and the rhythm of my life, like a true crown should. And it is just there--like God is just there--on me, covering me, growing without any command of my own... for I have done nothing to deserve my hair. Just like I have done nothing to deserve His presence... There are some days when I am very aware of that.

Like today...
Today, I am just very aware of my hair--and of His presence.

I am grateful for both of them.

SEAN'S RIGHT!

I'm on my Sabbath today...
...per the STRONG recommendation of SEAN GAFNER.
He's right... I've needed one. It feels like I've been going nonstop since graduation...

All GOOD activities and engagements, of course, but nonstop, none-the-less... and I seem to expend quite a bit of mental energy when I'm doing anything. So the nonstop-mental-energy on top of the physical demands really have found me EXHAUSTED at the end of these three weeks. (SEAN also told me that it's hard to actually admit something like that... yep, He's right AGAIN)

But maybe the next time I graduate from college, move into a new place, change my life, lead worship for a conference, let GOD change my life, and staff a missions training week (which also changed my life), things will be spaced out a little more...

Or not...

Such is life. And that's why we need a Sabbath.

Thank you, SEAN.

Thank you, GOD!!!


I'm gonna go for walk... don't try to find me.

Like those who dream...

So many things changed at the "When God Dreams" conference... things in other churches, things in our own church, things in others' lives, things in my life... so many chains were broken, so many battles were won, so many dreams were inspired and re-inspired, so many people left truly encouraged... God did great things.

Then Sunday happened for the Stirring, and God blew the gates off the hinges--forget "opening them wider"! MORE people were encouraged, MORE people were changed, MORE people were anointed and filled, MORE people were crying out and breathing in--they were MORE willing to give their lives than ever before. I was only there Sunday morning (which was so powerful enough for my own life), but I heard AMAZING stories about the night services too. I wish there would have been a giant earthquake or something that shook all of Redding...just for dramatic emphasis... but God knows well enough how to get His point across on His own...
And He knows well enough how His Spirit impacts peoples' entire lives better than I do... He knows we don't always need giant earthquakes...

Monday morning I woke up with a passion for a Spirit-filled life like I've never had before. And I got on my knees before God and begged Him to just keep filling my life like my life depended on it! Because, it does now... it really does. Nathan and Derrick both said this the last two weeks of our Acts series at the Stirring: "If you 'can live without' the Holy Spirit, you probably will." Well, I just can't anymore. Nor do I want to. So I begged God... I said, "God, you HAVE to keep filling me... because if you don't, then I won't know what to do!"

And that's how it will be for me... I've already seen the evidence. I've already noticed the change.

I also said a few other things to God--some things about dreams, some things about what He's told me about them. And His Spirit will guide me in those just like the days it takes to approach them... Each day I will say to my Lord, "If you keep filling, I will keep pouring out..." For that is all I can do. Apart from Him, I can do nothing...
Wow... Did I EVER think I would really reach that place--the place where Jesus' words find their reality in the very reality I find myself in?
Well whether I DID believe it or not, I do now. And I'm beginning to see how it has freed me...

How it has freed me up to not only live NOW, but to also dream for what's to come. Because I was always too afraid to hope before. Maybe because I was always hoping too much for the wrong thing...
Because I never knew that when God frees me, He frees me to dream too... that when God takes back those that have been held captive, He takes them back so that they can share His dreams of taking back others...
So that they can say among the nations, "The Lord has done GREAT THINGS..."

This is the song that I dedicate to those at the conference this weekend. This is the song that I dedicate to all the churches there and to all God's children that He brought back from captivity this weekend. This is the song I dedicate to our church--and to Christ's Church all over...
As He breaks fears and chains, as He brings back "the captive ones of Zion," may we really be "like those who dream."

(Yes, again, it's a Kristene Mueller song... what can I say? She is one who dreams.)


THOSE WHO DREAM

When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion
They were like those who dream
And their mouths were filled with laughter
And their tongues with joyful shouting

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things
We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things

More than the watchmen wait for the morning
Our souls wait
Our souls wait upon the Lord
For with Him is loving kindness
And abundant redemption

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things
We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things

Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting
Those who sow in tears
Will reap in joyful shouting

We will say among the nations
The Lord has done great things...


My friends, my brothers and sisters, my fellow freed-captives...
Let's be like those who dream.

The Lord HAS done great things!!!

I happen to agree...

I have this friend named Aubrey who turned twenty-years old today. She's got the most amazing heart I've ever encountered... so I always feel like I'm encountering God's heart when I'm with her. She loves God with all of it... maybe that's why. Sometimes, I have to encourage Aubrey, because He has called her over and over again to be so brave. But I know that even if I wasn't there, her heart would find its way into His presence anyway... because He has called her... over and over again...

Once she thought she was asleep. But God told me to tell her that she was just waking up...
Once she thought she was a failure... but He wanted her to know that His love never fails.
Once she thought she had nothing to offer; but her Lord speaks differently about her--so she's learning to let what He says be true...

She's not just sleep-walking, forgetting, and merely existing as the backdrop to someone else's story of "making an impact" and legacy-leaving... NO...

She is sleep-WAKING, remembering, and stepping onto the scene of this grand play that God has been making her life into all along. She IS the "impacter" and legacy-leaver. But it's hard for her to watch her own story AND be in it at the same time...

So, sometimes, I have to remind Aubrey that these last twenty years are more beautiful than she can see. And that the next twenty years are a kind of beautiful that only God can see for now... In fact, they are a kind of "beautiful" all their own--because they belong only to God as ONLY He can see them. He is giving her HOPE because He sees the life they hold. He is giving her COURAGE because He sees how big they are. He is giving her FAITH because He sees how she will grow. He is giving her DREAMS because He sees how her heart is just like His...

And that describes my friend named Aubrey well--a daughter with a heart just like her Father's.

So these coming years may have moments where, to her, they seem mundane or scary or digressing or... impossible...
But I know that, to Him, they will always be incredibly more than they seem... incredibly more full of possibilities than she knows.

And, to me, these coming years in her life will always be HIS...
Because, no matter what, she has always been His. No matter what... these coming years are already so very BEAUTIFUL. Because, like her past and her present, He already sees them as so very beautiful.

I happen to agree with His point of view about this particular story--about this particular story of this particular friend of mine.
Because, from what I know, God's opinion is a very good thing to trust.

And Because, twenty years ago, God's opinion saw my friend Aubrey as a very good thing for the world...


And yeah... I happen to agree with that.


Happy Birthday, Aubrey. He is making you a mountain.

This is the day.

"This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
-Psalm 118:24

This is the day...

This is the day the Lord has made.
This is the day my whole life changes.
This is the day my new song begins...

This day I will give to You, Oh Lord--
My Help and my God,
Who brings me life...
And if I do not praise--
If I do not sing--
My bones cannot contain this fire...
So Spirit come and be my voice.

This is the day the Lord has made...
This is the day my whole life changes...
Spirit come and fill my bones...

This is the day my new song begins.
__________________________________


"If no one else will, then I must say... I love the Lord Jesus with ALL MY HEART."
-Florrie Evans

Amen...

...And His I'll be

Did you know that perfect love casts out fear? Of course, this is hard for us to grasp as humans. We love imperfectly, and we are afraid a lot.

But lately, God has been speaking about how His love is perfect—and this perfection is more than just a state of being. His perfection is an act of completion, of fulfillment. When God perfects, it is a fulfilling kind of completing act, which, really, leaves no room for anything else other than the fullness and completeness of whatever He is perfecting in us. It’s like—He’s redeeming so FULLY that anything else but His will and presence must go.

So this is the kind of perfect love that He’s been speaking about. The kind that makes fear go.

At the 'When God Dreams' conference this weekend, we talked all about fear and courage and encouragement and discouragement… and how there is a war RAGING for a generation upon which God wants to re-release His anointing of “why-not?” dreaming and also His anointing of ENCOURAGEMENT. We talked about how fear and discouragement are two of Satan’s primary weapons and how he tries to frighten and disarm us out of our intimately-connected-to-God dreams!

As we were talking about all this, I just couldn’t get out of my head the fact that perfect love casts out fear. We talked about fear, and we talked about courage—we talked about discouragement and we talked about encouragement. We talked about a community of encouragement, and how very important it is for us all to be both cultivating and surrounding ourselves with such a community. We also talked about God’s presence… and how in God’s presence, encouragement reigns… and if God is calling us to dream things that are scary, to dream things that are BIG, to dream things that have never been done before, or…just that we have never done before… we WILL face fear… so we will need to learn how to have courage in the face of that fear... we will need to learn how to get in God’s presence, let Him speak, hear His voice, feel our fears leave… we will need to learn how to be God’s…

That is what I’m learning—through all this romancing and calling and encouraging that He has been doing in my life—I’m learning how to be His. And I’m convinced that in His perfect love, I am His more fully than any fear could ruin. Because if I let Him draw me into His perfect love, than I must also let Him drive out fear… I must allow Him to love me so fully and completely that there is no room for fear anymore. I must allow Him to cast out fear, so that His love may be made complete in me… and through me, His love may be made more complete in others. It is my desire to be encouraging to others in this way—to put COURAGE in others in this way—but He is speaking so clearly that I must first allow Him to put courage in me… By His presence, by His truth, by His voice, by His grace, and by His perfect perfect love… Mmhmm, I must allow Him to put courage in me by His perfect love…
And in EVERYTHING, I must remember that He will cast out my fear.

…then I can more fully be His.
…then I can more fully live.
And then I can more fully live His DREAMS…

Of course, if I’m going to enter into this kind of love with Him, it means that I have to let go of some things... some things that are surface probably, but mostly some things that are deeply, DEEPLY rooted in me (which, the surface things are usually just reflecting). I am going to have to let go of what God's love casts out. I am definitely going to have to let go of what God's PERFECT love casts out... that is, this fear—this fear of man, this fear of inadequacy, this fear of failure… This fear of not “having what it takes”… Because HE says I have what it takes. Because He has chosen me, because He has called me, I must assume that He thinks I have what it takes. And I am going to have to let go of these fears.

But what encourages me a lot is that I don't have to do it alone. HE, of course, is the "caster." HE, of course, is the completer. He started it, He finishes it. He calls me, He wants me. If I let go of what He's casting off of me and out of me, He will finally have me... and His I’ll finally be.


I wrote all of this because He's romancing me right now (like I said in my last blog). And I was thinking about how, though He is acting and calling and inviting and completing... what is my part? How do I respond? It's funny that even MY part has something to do with His part. Even what I do is inextricably dependent upon something He will be doing.

Kristene Mueller sings a line in "Jamie's Song" that won't leave me alone… which, makes sense, because GOD won't leave me alone either. He wants me to be His. He wants me to keep coming into perfect love with Him. And I desperately want that too.

I know it will take time. I know I am on a journey. I know it’ll be a process...yes, God’s acts seem to be such long-bearing processes sometimes... And who can say when God's processes end? But I do believe He'll keep sweeping my fear away, so I think I'll just keep letting it go and keep being His...

Here is “Jamie’s Song”…
You can probably figure out what line won’t leave me alone…

JAMIE’S SONG

She's a sparkle in her Father's eye
Kind of like the moon tonight
She's destined for divinity
Her portion is His purity
And a glance His way comes across her face

He sheds a tear, oh oh
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
Amazing love
Oh she's been found
A sparkle in her Father's crown

Holy Love come raining down
Come storming in, be jealous found
Come violent love
Come stormy seas
Sweep fear away and Yours shall be

And even if He had ninety-nine
That stayed at home and stayed in line
He would not be satisfied
He would still go out to find
The one who's always on His mind
And bring her back, arms opened wide

He sheds a tear, oh oh
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
Amazing love
Oh she's been found

Holy Love come raining down
Come storming in, be jealous found
Come violent love
Come stormy seas
Sweep fear away and Yours shall be...

Unfinished

.....God is romancing me right now. I'm sure of it. I don't know that I've ever said that before or ever thought I would, but today He came into the gym through my iPod headphones, held out His hand and asked if I'd care to leave mid-workout to come write a song with Him instead.

For a second (but only for a split-second) I thought, "God, how can you ask me to leave something unfinished?"
But quickly He reminded me about the disciples' fishing nets, and I knew I had no excuse not to drop mine...

So I am in the gym parking lot with my car running, writing this down as if I'm some place where there aren't twenty people spying from treadmills and elipticals through gym windows and my car windshield... as if it can't wait until I get home... but i don't really care. God is romancing me, and this is just the beginning of the song we're going to write together today.


Actually, I have a feeling the song started yesterday, with the first line being, "I've left everything for You..."

But maybe I haven't really left everything for Him yet... maybe that's why He's romancing me right now...

...maybe it's not really my gym-workout that's been currently left unfinished.