A Little Bit of Everything

I'm a little hyper. And a little tired...
I'm a little stressed out. And a little bit relaxed...
I'm a little sad. And a little happy...

I'm a little bit confused. But also pretty certain of the things that matter most...
...like love, and peace, and God's faithfulness.

He has never left me--though I have been devastated by the thought many times. Jesus is still alive--though I was not there to see Him in the flesh so long ago. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29) (Oh, but I would have been the Doubting Thomas in that story).

And then there's Peter, who encourages us in such crazy times...
"These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" (1 Peter 1:7-8).

When I have a little bit of everything going on in this racing mind of mine, it's nice to remember that I love Jesus--that I believe in Him--that my faith results in praise, and that I am filled with (a whole lot more than a little bit of) inexpressible and glorious joy.

Yeah. I'm a little bit confused...

But I'm also very grateful.

Up and At 'em!

Yep. That's right! I am up and at 'em again (those many tasks and daily routines of mine). And I have to say.... I miss my bed!!!! :(

Haha... not really. (I always wanted to say something like that though). 

In all sincerity, it's great to be alive. It's great to greet the day. It's awesome to jump down from the top bunk in the morning and think, "Yes, His mercies are new every morning... but this morning, I am blessed to feel it!" We don't alway need to feel it to know it. But it helps a little when we get to experience that "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning" 

Sometimes the night is a literal 12-hour night. Sometimes it is three-days in bed. Sometimes it is longer...

But joy does come in the morning. 

...And it is a beautiful morning.

Bed-ridden

It's disappointing. I want to slam my head against the desk right now... but something tells me that won't fix the aching. Being bed-ridden for me is like being in Hawaii without my guitar for two weeks--people say how good it is to get the rest, but I can't even do the things I love most. I'm not a huge fan of beds like some are. I DO like Hawaii...but that's beside the point.

Couldn't I take a mental break instead? The physical ones don't mean much to me without the mental ones...

I have these dreams...

Sometimes I have these dreams...
They're not super crazy, or too lofty... but they are a bit idealistic.... and I wonder if they could ever really happen.

They're usually about the world--about social justice issues, about international relations, about advocating for the voiceless, about freedom for the oppressed...

I'm writing a political science paper right now. I love that class. I love that even when I don't want to go (I have it at 3 in the afternoon, and I'm not a huge fan of afternoons) I end up getting our whole class into a discussion about welfare, or communism, or ideological motives and our Machiavellian tendencies by the end of the period. I always think it's gonna be so boring... It's usually not.

In fact, the best part about it:
I get to think about my dreams. I get to wrestle through them.
Sometimes I wonder if that shouldn't be the whole point to education in the first place... to wrestle through your dreams... To figure out how reality meets your visions...how your visions could become reality... It would be cool if these dreams became reality.

But I don't want my dreams to be my dreams. I only want my dreams if they are also God's. I think we did a series at the Stirring about that a while ago--"When God Dreams" or something like that. Well, I'm convinced that His dreams have a lot to do with "freedom for the prisoners," as Isaiah and Jesus both proclaimed. And it seems like a lot of my dreams have to do with the same thing.

So. Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday I've been thinking about those dreams. I've been thinking about them ideally... and I've been thinking about them realistically...
They have a lot to do with politics--more than I ever thought any dreams of mine would. And they have a lot to do with other countries--more than I ever thought I would let them... (sometimes MKs have bitter, rebellious streaks ;)

But most importantly, they have a lot to do with speaking up for those who cannot speak up for themselves--with standing up for those who have constantly been crushed. I want to be a voice for the voiceless. And I want to usher in God's dream of healing for the broken. I don't know if I'll ever see a whole country reach restoration after political devestation... or if we'll ever get all the prostitutes out of the brothels...out of the system...out of their prisons...
I don't know if I'll still be alive when Cambodian fathers begin teaching their sons to care for their families again...or if I'll ever watch American women demonstrate to each other what real beauty is or where it comes from. I don't know if I'll ever be the kind of advocate OR influence in the political and social spheres that I've had thoughts about.

I do know God's Kingdom is coming, though, and that Jesus tells us to pray for it. I know that I've seen parts of it here and there...and that even the smallest of healings is healing nonetheless...

Sometimes I have these dreams...
They're not super crazy, or too lofty.

In fact, I think they could be pretty darn realistic...

...depending on how you look at it.

What do you think?

We talked about greed on Sunday. We talked about greed this morning ...at my incredible breakfast club. And I started thinking... Greed is about so much more than money... I started thinking... Greed probably has more to do with broken or misplaced trust than anything else...
I started thinking...

Can you be greedy with how much you want of a person's time? Have you ever been greedy with what you expect out of a friendship--or are willing to give it? Is it possible that we are more greedy with our feelings than we would like to admit? And what's the difference between protecting your heart, your love, your life... and hoarding it?

I don't really know the answers to these questions. But I was just thinking about them tonight.

I was thinking about a lot of things--none of them directly related to these questions--but my mind just wanders. So these are some questions it wandered to...

Questions about greed...

What do you think?

Breakfast club is incredible.

Ah Tuesday again... which means another breakfast club has come and gone. Breakfast club is incredible. I love it. It's part of the reason why I love Tuesdays (we've been through this). The girls, the coffee, the oatmeal, the Deja Vu... all incredible. (I'm not super picky about my coffee, so yes, I mean that). But there is one thing to note about this particular breakfast club... the one of "TODAY." If I was much of a journal...er..(ist?)..(whatever), I'd probably write about this one in there. I'd have the date up in the right-hand corner, and the time (I like to note time). And I'd probably start it out with a sentence like: "Today was different," or "Today was weird." And my journal would be flapping with anticipation--"WHY?! WHY?! Tell me! TELL ME..." And I'd continue writing. But then I'd realize--"my journal can't ask questions... or be anticipatory..." so I'd stop writing to my journal... and I'd start blogging...

People read blogs.
This is one about breakfast club today...






Today was different. Today was weird. There were no bright-eyes or bushy-bangs for me this morning, there was no quick wit or sly, AWESOME jokes (ok, ok, so maybe the bushy-bangs were still there, my bangs are always kinda bushy...)
No. Today I was tired.

I took my normal seat next to my usually-tired Sarah, but there was nothing normal or usual about what happened when I got there this particular morning... I was tired.

Head down--on the table--"Is Jenna sleeping??" I heard it and pulled myself back to the present.
"Ah! I don't know what's the matter with me this morning!!" I responded with desperation... (ya know...that kind of desperation that breeds half-cries, half-laughs...all whine...) Blank stares from the table--a few giggles--like anyone else knew what the matter was either. My outbursts are humorous sometimes.

Let me explain if you're not catching onto the drama here:
I'm a morning person. And I'm definitely a Tuesday morning person. I'm definitely NOT tired at breakfast club. I mean, someone has to keep those "sleepy-sleepersons" going... ;) (jk you guys). I'm usually watching the clock from the elliptical machine thinking "I bet Kristena is hating wake-up time right now... hehehehe..." I'm usually trying to not offend the quiet section of our breakfast table with all my crazy, pointless fun facts from the anthropology chapter I'm reading. In the beginning, it's usually pretty quiet at our table. I'm usually trying to get a chuckle or two out of my neighboring seats....
But not today... Today, there were laughs ringing out from all sections of the table!!! All sections... but my sad little sleepy middle section... What the heck???

"Have some coffee Jenna..." God bless Danielle Kettle. She always knows just what I need.

So I drank some of Sarah's coffee--no splenda. But I think it helped a little... and by the end of our time together, we were all talking about greed, and our pasts, and our mindsets now because of our pasts, and our mindsets now because of our church... I love our church! And finally I was awake! Pink Elephant time!

Two parables: The one about ten virgins and the one about the money loaned to the servants. Yeah, that's right, I read them both. One right after the other... (the coffee was working). Thanks Danielle. Thanks Sarah. Thanks Meghan... (Meghan had to sit by me the whole time... and I used her Bible... thanks Meghan)

But I can't attribute ALL of my waked-up-ed-ness (thanks dashes) to coffee alone. Talking about Jesus helps too. Reading His parables wakes me up pretty well. I love stories, and I love to learn, and I love to learn by hearing stories told by people that I love (and I love Jesus), so parables and I... we get along...

Anyway, I read those two parables and then we started talking about them, and honest-to-goodness, I CANNOT shut my mouth when I want to... I wished I hadn't had so much coffee... and now my knee is bouncing up and down (it's what I do) and I kinda want more coffee..... Greed.

Haha, but breakfast club is incredible. I don't mind rambling there. The other girls don't seem to mind much either. Or maybe they were tired too... yeah, me being tired at breakfast club...(?!?!)
...that was WEIRD.

First of Five

6:04 a.m.
It's a little chilly in my room, so the thought of pulling on some sweats and a hoodie actually sounds pretty good. The sun's not up yet, but it will be soon... ok, NOW THE RACE IS ON.

Out of bed, grab the tooth brush, hair brush, face...cloth...
Sweats, shoes, hoodie, wallet, iPod, phone, keys... out the door...
"Yes! No sun!" I smile to myself (as strange as that might sound). See, I have this goal sometimes--to be on the treadmill at the gym while the sun is coming up. If you get the right machine (the one in front of the big tree just outside the window) it's the perfect picture of God shedding morning light onto something that had been starved for it all night. It's like watching new mercy come at dawn. I love new mercy at dawn...

So, this particular dawn... is the first of five.
The first of five days off from school--the first of five mornings that I would like to catch a glimpse of that mercy picture. Maybe not specifically the gym-tree one. Maybe not specifically the rising sun of every early morning. It's more along the lines of...intentionality ...intentionally recognizing that, truly, God's mercy is new every morning.

It's 8:05 now. About two hours since that first glimpse has taken place. And I'm already realizing, "I am SO GLAD His mercy is new every morning," because it helps me know the freedom that Christ gave us a little better. He sets me free every morning--He says, "Go in peace. Sin no more." And I have the chance to grow and change.

How awful it would be to have to stay chained to yesterday's self! I might not stay free every time He breaks those chains for me, but every morning, I know He smiles on that tree just outside the gym window, and every morning, I know He smiles on me.

Maybe today will be the first of five that I smile back...

...maybe it will be the first of five thousand.