"Doubting Thomas"

I've been listening to the Nickel Creek album Why Should the Fire Die? And I've had the song "Doubting Thomas" practically on repeat. What a powerful, honest song...

"Doubting Thomas"

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared
cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

More Thankfulness... "Bolt" with my niece.

Life just keeps getting better. I took my niece to see the movie Bolt tonight. She loved it... well, she loved the first 40 minutes of it anyway...

Her first movie theater movie... we're sitting in the same seat...she's in my lap, sipping on her "sippy." Then the lights go out and the movie starts. Immediately--"Doggy!!!" Yep, that's my genius niece, she knows what a doggy looks like. I grin proudly at the family behind me. They have a couple of toddlers too...but not a peep out of them. That's right, my niece knows what a doggy looks like... they don't.

She keeps talking to the screen. It's great. Other children are joining in now. The five of us over the age of seven are outnumbered... so we accept the fact that this will be one of those interactive-type movie experiences.

I'm biting the kernel part off of the popcorn like my sister told me to and giving Haillie the puffy white parts to eat. She bites my finger a couple of times... but then Bolt does something funny, and Haillie's sweet giggle keeps me from cursing her teeth under my breath. I love Haillie. If she knew she hurt me, it would be waterworks for the rest of the night. So I'm glad her giggles calm me down.

Forty minutes into the movie--sippy cup hits the ground, soft little cheek squishes against my sweatshirt. Yup, she's out. Not even Bolt's super-bark can wake her now...

So me, the mom and dad behind me, the two fifty-year-old ladies in the back row, and the 300 (wide-awake) toddlers finish the movie while Haillie naps. It makes sense... she skipped her nap earlier today.

Like auntie, like niece...
movies are great nap times...

20+ Things I'm thankful for this month...

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for Oakhurst. I love driving home to Oakhurst--as soon as Mariposa turns into Awahnee, and Awahnee turns into Oakhurst... Then comes Deadwood... my mountain... I call it "my mountain" because that's what I drove up and down every day (to school and back, to work and back, to practice and back, to church and back... to Vons and back). As soon as Awahnee turns into Oakhurst... I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I'm also thankful for Redding... for Simpson... I have learned things in Redding and at Simpson that I never thought I would even attempt to understand in my lifetime. People there have impacted me... and the sunsets have astounded me. God has moved in my life in the most mysterious of ways there... but He has also drawn me closer to Him than I ever knew He wanted me.

I'm grateful for good friends. I'm grateful for the Stirring... and life groups...

Maybe I'll make a little list for now (for Meghan) of other things I am currently appreciating ;).

1) sweatshirts (don't worry, these won't be in order of importance)
2) good soundtracks
3) blankets available over the back of couches
4) humor
5) guitars
6) popcorn
7) ...popcorn bowls
8) novels
9) autumn
10) sisters
11) and cousins
12) card games
13) "the electricity is out" nights
14) "sing-song" monopoly (with sisters) nights
15) kindred spirits
16) insight
17) hindsight
18) sight
19) my running shoes
20) coffee


Of course, there's so much more. But it's time for me to pop some popcorn. Did I mention that I'm thankful for popcorn?

Kate's voice

probably looks like this:
On days like today, when it's so gloomy and just wet enough to not wear your good shoes outside (if you have good shoes...), I get caught between wanting to stay in bed and reading (well, ok, watching movies) or being super productive and plugging away at papers that are due soon (way too soon).

Instead, I cleaned my room and wrote some emails. Which was good. My room needed cleaning. And I like writing emails. Mostly.

Here's something else I did: my laundry. That's right, people--clean clothes--I will be wearing clean clothes for the next week or so. Also good.

AND, finally, (now, this was all before 9am) I got to see my wonderful Katelin this morning and finish up a song we've been working on together, and it's AWESOME!! Kate Mentink has an incredible voice. If you've never had her sing to you on a rainy day to some jazzy chords while you're sipping on (the closest thing you could conjure up to) a latte, oh boy...you are missing out. I got the chills this morning.

Kate's gonna be my back up singer on my.... whatever the heck I end up having for her to be my back up singer on...

I'm thinking about buying a studio for the soul purpose of having Kate be my back up singer on something. Seriously.

And then we will switch spots, and I'll back her up. It's what friends do.




I bet Kate's voice looks something like that picture up there...

I wonder if God has a favorite song.

A song is a beautiful thing. I'm no music major (I don't even know how to read music), so I can't tell you why exactly. I just know that something happens when I strum that guitar and fumble my way through a melody... It's like... more than just my voice comes out. But what I think is so beautiful about songs is the fact that even God sings...

"God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer." Psalm 42:8. Incredible.

Even God sings. And He sings over me. All through the night!
Now, I've never been a huge fan of nights (vampires come out at night). But maybe if I remember that God is singing...

I wonder if God has a favorite song...

Ten bucks says it's "Jesus Loves Me"

November 13

This is what my flippy calendar says today:
"Very little is needed to make a happy life" (-Marcus Aurelius).

Only one thing is needed, actually...

"My heart says of you, 'Seek his face!'
Your face, LORD, I will seek" (-David, Psalm 27: 8).

...One thing.

And that one thing can be seen in the others--in the "very little" that indeed make for a happy life...
but may God still be my focus...
God, be my everything.


I guess if I look at it like this:
The less I have, the less I have to struggle to see God through.

"Very little is needed to make a happy life"... yeah... I think he might be onto something...

Ephesians 4:1-3

Can we please ALL read that again???

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

This is my prayer for the Body of Christ:

My heart is breaking for so many things. I cry in my bed because I don't understand how we could all talk about our wonderful Jesus (ah...and I love Him! We ALL love Him, don't we?) and about healing and acceptance and love; yet be so gossipy, envious, bitter, allusive, and unforgiving towards each other. It's sneaky...it's clever...Satan knows what he's doing...it's never as obvious to us, ourselves, as what we think about when we speak of that stuff. And of this very thing, I am guilty.

It breaks my heart.

Let's ALL read Ephesians 4:1-3 again.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

I don't care what our "reason" is. I don't care what our "boundaries" are. I don't care what our "wisdom" tells us. It's not an issue of reason--it's not a game around boundaries and wisdom. I want us to listen to the wisdom of Jesus--the humility of His way--the openness and patience and willingness to "bear with" the other in love...

I want us to give second and third and fourth and fifth and seventy-times-seven chances.

I am so close to saying, "God, Can't we all just get along?!"


Then again, I guess this could just be coming from the peace-maker side of me.

Lord, hear my honest plea--I'm not asking that You help us "sweep" all our conflicts "under the carpet." But help us put our effort toward fighting for peace with one another rather than avoiding and begrudging each other...

...maybe I just don't understand.
...maybe I am just naive.

But if You hear nothing else... at least hear the child in me that wants to see her friends next to her, being welcomed into Jesus' arms too...
...there in the "unity of the Spirit."


Oh Ephesians 4 :1-3...

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Can't we all just...read that again?

Ya know those mornings?

The ones when you feel like you're in fifth grade again? Back before the world was all explainable by "science"? (Nacho Libre, people, it's deeper than you think). Back before we had to see things from different perspectives... back before we knew there were different perspectives...

I like those mornings. Though I know they cannot last. Yesterday morning was one of those mornings. And coupled by the fact that it was election day, I definitely DID feel young and stupid again. I woke up early (it was Tuesday), and I "did my thing." Already, I knew yesterday was different. At the gym--aside from the fact that Kieth Urban, Garth Brooks, and James Taylor's faces were on about five different t-shirts--I could just sense people "pumping themselves up"...meaning more than on the bench press...

Yep. Election day. Nobody wants to talk about it, but everybody wants to know: "Who are YOU voting for?"
(Eh, now we know)

Well, I wasn't thinking about that question yet. I was at the gym. And my iPod was the only noise-making, thought-provoking thing ringing in my ear... I wasn't ready to face the world yet. I wanted to be in fifth grade again.

I got done at the gym and walked outside. FREEZING. But I loved it. I loved the smell. It smelled like snow... even though all the snow is very far away... (Mt. Shasta's calling my name)

When I was in fifth grade, it would start snowing halfway through the day. I'd sit in my little Christian school classroom, with my little Christian school classmates, and we'd pray our brains out that it would snow hard enough for school to be let out early. My mom was a teacher there, so my sisters and I would end up staying later anyway... but it was the principle of the thing. FREEDOM AND HOT CHOCOLATE. Yeah, I loved those days.

So anyway. Yesterday, I walked out of the gym, I smelled the winter cold, I saw the orange-red leaves, I heard the... whatever holiday seasons sound like (?)... and instantly, the election didn't matter, my homework didn't matter, my creaking knees didn't matter (yes, my knees creak already. It's a joint thing). All that mattered was... "You're my kid." I heard Him whisper it. I wish I could say He whispered it clearly--audibly--and that if I had a tape recorder in my pocket at the time, we could get it on the Stirring podcast, and millions of people would fall on their faces in worship because there would be no denying that this was the VOICE OF GOD(!) ...but it wasn't an audible whisper. My ears didn't hear it, per say. I didn't record it from my pocket. But my soul heard it. "You're my kid." I wonder how many times He says that in the day. I wonder how many holidays I'll have to live through to bring that realization back around again. I think He intends for me to hear that in my soul more often. And if He's saying that to me... then I can guarantee He's saying that to you too.

Sometimes, we just gotta stop and smell the... winter...

...and remember what it was like to pray for snow days.

Finished...but never quite done.

Songs are never quite done. Even if they have been "finished." I re-write songs all the time. Which reminds me of something Travis-O told our worship team not too long ago--that we are like God's poems that He is finishing and still re-writing. We are redeemed, yes, by Christ's act on the cross; but we are constantly being refined by the work of the Holy Spirit in us. Just like Paul tells us: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Well maybe I am not as faithful as He is--maybe I won't complete all the songs I start. And maybe I can't really compare my song to a human being constantly worked in and refined...

But, it made me think about how my own songs are finished...but never quite done.

I am glad God doesn't look at me and go, "Welp, that's it--Done!" It's nice to know that one of the places He still moves in today is even in me... It's incredible to think that He carries it on to completion... all the way until the day of Christ Jesus.

Most of that was to say...

...yeah, I finished my song on Friday night...but I'm still working on it ;). Who knows if it will ever be "complete."