More than socks and underwear...

When you ask my mom for some "good books" for Christmas, she'll hand you a catalog and tell you to circle examples. Then, on Christmas morning when you open your gifts, you will open boxes and boxes of books all by the same author of the one or two books you circled in the catalog. This year, I circled a book by Ravi Zacharias. Christmas morning, I got five.


I am, of course, grateful. There is a stack of other amazing books on my desk as I type. Simply Christian, Simple Church, (Quite fitting for this past series at the Stirring), also, Sex God, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, Kingdom of the Occult, Knowledge of the Holy, and Prayer (by Yancey)--these were my Christmas presents this year. These, and underwear and socks and Amazing Grace. Amazing Grace is a thought provoking movie about the story of William Wilberforce and his fight against the British slave trade, which sealed in my mind the thought that human trafficking can be fought. This is not a thought about bringing it all down single-handedly...but I don't think I should just sit by and accept it... I don't think we should just sit by and let it be the way it is now...


Christmas, Ravi, Amazing Grace...and a move against human trafficking. I'm excited to start the new year.

When you ask my mom for some "good books" for Christmas, you'll get A LOT of them... You'll get more than socks and underwear.

"Amy"

...my favorite one of the Dove videos.

pink sweater, razor scooter, and a scowl...

No... those aren't things I got for Christmas. But my family and I did get a scowl from the little girl in the pink sweater on a razor scooter yesterday... Because my aunt is bad at directions... and because we all have way too much fun together.

Janelle and I were trying to decide if it's more accurate to say "make a right" or "take a right" when telling someone directions... my aunt was telling my dad directions at the time, so we thought it was fairly relevant.

As my dad is making jokes--probably to counteract the frustration--and my mom and aunt are contradicting, supporting, and repeating both themselves and each other (it's what they do), my sister and I are in the back giggling at the fact that we are in a downtown Pomona neighborhood looking for a Joann's fabric store, which, according to my aunt's directions, has required us to make (or "take") five rights, two u-turns, and cruise around three culdesacs so far. We're asking, amidst all the commotion, what their opinion of our "make" or "take a turn" question is, and (bless their hearts) my mom and aunt take us seriously and try to answer...and try to keep giving directions...AND try to figure out who is going to get the first mixed cd that they've talked me into making them. My dad is still joking on the outside... pleading with Jesus on the inside i think...

And then, we see her... the little girl in the pink sweater on a razor scooter...scowling. She recognizes our car (five rights and a few u-ies get you back to very familiar places) and we have just circled our fourth culdesac in her neighborhood, passing by her lit, candy-cane arch-way for the third time. I didn't want to seem like a scaredy cat, so I kept my mouth shut about the vision that flashed before my eyes in that moment--Little girl rolls up her fuzzy pink sleeves, chucks her razor scooter through our car window, screaming at us to scram from her neck of the woods... I saw it all in that scowl. And I was scared.

Don't let pink sweaters deceive you... be careful whose culdesac you get lost in...

Thankfully, we found Joann's fabric store... half-hour later, not in a neighborhood...

And we made it alive--car windows in tact.

Immanuel

Immanuel..."God with us."

Yes. He truly is.

Merry Christmas!

Enjoy His presence...

(and His present. I know guys, that video confused me too...)

I didn't know. (Or I forgot.)

I didn't know that Christmas meant so much to me. I didn't know that God loved me so much. I didn't know that I loved God so much.

(Well... Maybe I knew... Maybe He's just helping me remember again...)

Yesterday, my younger sister's boyfriend came over. He's cool--I like him. He's got blond hair and blue eyes, so I asked him if he was Norwegian... but he's not. He's South African! How sweet is that?! So, yep, Tiber came over. Tiber and Janelle are really cute together, and from what I can tell, she likes him a lot and he treats her really well, so I'm down with this thing. Anyway, Janelle slipped and fell on the frozen-over snow in our driveway yesterday, which means she didn't make it to church. Poor thing. Poor tushy...

Tiber came over an hour later, and we were all singing Christmas songs, wrapping presents, sitting, drinking...tea... (honest). My mom came in and had this CRAZY idea that we could have church in our living room that morning (What?! I know... a revolution is beginning). What's even CRAZIER is that...I read my Bible. Out loud.

...but seriously... here's what's crazy... I cried. No, wait.... I wept. I was reading Mary's song (in Luke), and I had to stop, it was so moving to me. Yeah, right there in front of Tiber, my sisters, my step-dad, and my mom... tears of being moved by the Christmas story, by Mary's song, running down my cheeks.
Then I picked up my guitar to lead some (more current) songs, thinking for sure that it would stop the flow of these consistent drops. Nope. I sang "How He Loves" (so I actually wasn't thinking).

Let me tell you something about why this is weird to me. It's not often that I cry. But when things really move me, it happens. And there are times when things really move me, so, it does happen (logic)(...I'm a theologian, don't be jealous). NEVER, though, do I cry while reading out loud. Not in public (not even in 'living room' public). NEVER do I cry in front of strangers in my house (not even in front of half-strangers that treat my sister really well). NEVER do I cry while leading worship songs for others to follow. But, I do cry when things deeply move me... And apparently, I just didn't know how much the Christmas story deeply moves me.

I was reflecting on this today (right after I asked Janelle if Tiber thinks I'm weird...she says he doesn't...), and it shouldn't shock me so much that Christ's birth holds the power to move me so. I am undone, in fact, before my King--before even His manger...

This Christmas, more than any before, I have realized that God gives us treasures like these: times of brokenness before our family, overwhelming love that moves us to tears, and His very presence that undoes everything we've built up around ourselves (about ourselves, for ourselves). He gives us treasures of humility. Which He so stubbornly wraps His treasures of grace in. And when we receive them into our hearts--where no one can steal from--we receive the very things that make us different from what we would be without Him.

You see, I've been wondering about what makes me so different from anyone else (cause I'm not really). I've been wondering what makes me a sincere follower of Christ (as opposed to a "good Christian...?"). I've been wondering why God would ever choose me for certain things, or call me, or gift me, or anoint me, or keep it up...or...keep with me.

God's been taking away all my answers...and keeps giving me Jesus.

I guess that's why He gave the world Jesus. I mean, I always kind of guessed that...I just didn't know that's all it took....

But that's all it takes--Jesus.


I didn't know. Or I forgot.

Baby Jesus in her pocket...

My niece--Haillie. She's nuts, it's wonderful. When I got home two days ago, my mom told me that Haillie has a little "action-figure" nativity set, which, I'll admit, I'm not sure what I think of that...

Regardless though, Haillie loves it... and her favorite figure? That's right--Baby Jesus. She keeps him in her pocket. Joy says she pulls him out and just looks at him... adores him... shows him to my mom and my sister... smiles--a BIG smile... puts him back in her pocket... plays with the rest of the set for about two seconds and walks away with Jesus still in her pocket.

I love that she adores him so much. She probably doesn't know it's a baby "Jesus", but Joy asks her, "Is that Baby Jesus?" ...Haillie nods adamantly. No idea what Joy's saying, but she nods. She accepts that it is. She believes her mommy.

Joy and I were talking about how "Jesus in my pocket" might be a bit of a dangerous and stupid habit for anyone else to be picking up... but Haillie is almost 2... and she loves this little baby that is the center of attention in her action figure nativity set. In fact, it is the center of her attention. We could learn something from this little blond, 2ft, 2yr-old, too beautiful for her own good, Baby Jesus lover.

We can't find "Baby Jesus" right now... He's gone missing. Haillie is devastated.
He's probably in a washing machine somewhere... in her pocket...

Incredible.

Christmas Tree on my Thules...

It's that time of year. I traded in my kayak for a Douglas Fir...
9:30am, Dad and I went down to Coarsegold Nursey and Feed...we picked a beauty. Strapped onto my jeep--tied to the Thule racks--Douglas came home with us.



We weren't sure why it was so crooked at first... but you have to be pretty dang clever with that tree holder...

Now, I'm sitting by the fire in my living room thinking, my dad and I are good tree pickers. My job is to put lights on the tree...every year...whether I want to or not. My family's in luck this year--I want to. Which means I have a better attitude about it. Which means, pleasant, peaceful decorating times and no half-lit, wholly-despised Christmas tree sitting in our living room until tomorrow morning. Good stuff.

I did remember why I normally quit halfway through...as I was circling the tree with lights in my left hand, branches in my right, and pine needles between my teeth. I think putting the tree in a corner is my dad's idea of...funny. This year, though, I made it through the wilderness...(you know) I made it through...


The angel...on top of the tree...don't know if she'll make it. Her neck's a little cramped. Our tree is kinda tall...

He is jealous for me...

God's presence... my drive home... I can't explain that part all the way... not yet. But He IS jealous for me. And He has love of a jealous kind...

Listened to this song in the car.
Check it--

"Jealous Kind"
by Jars of Clay

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand you

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind


I can just see Jesus turning those tables over in the temple that day... we've read the story... but I've never thought about it in reference to His jealous love before...
Incredible.

But--for whatever reason--with me, He always seems to be so gentle...

Jeremy and Megh's

One of the best places I've ever arrived at. I walked in yesterday afternoon, clothes in hand, to Enya's voice floating over the sage-green rug and acorn-brown couch. Heated air with crisp bay leaf, red cinnamon, and warm winter woods aromas mixed in carried the peaceful "O Come O Come Emmanuel" lyrics to my ears. I dangled the hide-a-key(set) from the empty hook by the door, next to the dog leash. Marley thought I was reaching for it, but then I think he realized there was no tearing me away from this incredible environment. Instead, I came in further... "Turn right at the bathroom" Meghan had said--sweet. Got it. So I put my clothes in the vintage wooden dresser and thought about how blessed I was to be so welcomed here...

Enya called me back into the living room--went with my book and fuzzy red Christmas socks. Then Sarah McLachlan, then Imogen Heap, then...a bunch of other great Christmas song re-arrangers...all kept the warm air filled as I read. My short attention span had me glancing around at the tasteful Christmas decorations Jeremy and Meghan put up that morning. I never knew I would enjoy the simplicity of a little Christmas tree with a little strand of lights and little, little bulb ornaments to such a large amount of contentment. I'd definitely be watching a Christmas movie soon...I could just feel it.

But first I brought my Bible out and read Luke's account of the Christmas story--the best account according to...well, me. And it was all-so good...I felt all-so indebted to, and all-so in love with, this baby the shepherds worshiped and the angels praised. Mary always has my attention in this story too. She's awesome. She was the first to give to this child...but He would soon give her more than humanly possible. I suppose no one else will know what it's like to give life to a child who gives life back--the Child who, Himself, gives life.

I read this story at Jeremy and Megh's, and it felt like a movie--a slow movie I guess--but sometimes I enjoy the absence of action. It felt like...I was loved. Not all movies have much love in them. But if we made "Staying at Jeremy and Megh's" into a movie (ooh--a Christmas movie!), there would be MUCH love in it.

And there would be potato delight and coffee. Two things that also include love.
...Meghan makes great servings of both.

I Answer Myself

If you've been tracking with my blogs, you've probably read the ones about doubt. I ask a lot of questions in them... or, rather, they stem from a lot of questions I've been asking...

I came across an essay that I wrote two years ago for one of my classes (Philosophy and Critical Thought). I read through it this morning.
In it... I answer myself...

It's a doozy, but if you're in the mood to think, here it is. I was thinking about editing it first, but decided against it--you get the sophomore-year me, unaltered and so full of certainty:


Jenna Barney
PHIL 3010

A Natural Longing to Know

Can I really know anything? I believe I can. However, there are so many questions when it comes to truth and knowledge that we as humans continually find ourselves searching for answers that are tangible, that are "real" in some sense of the word. But perhaps Ultimate Truth is not so tangible, maybe not in the here and now anyway. And it is that longing, the search itself, which has helped me become convinced of at least one thing: Humans are searching to know the One that has given them the capacity to know. It is this search and longing that I will focus on, for I know it can be a beginning to knowledge.

If a person existed who didn't long for anything or anyone, I would disagree that he or she was perfectly normal. Innately, that is what we do as humans—we long, we yearn, we think, or, at the very least, we imagine about things not immediately present or available to us. We sense that there is something more than what we have currently because that is the way it has always worked out…isn't it? After all, as Cornelius Plantinga Jr. notes, "What's remarkable is that [our] longings are unfulfillable…things may come to us…but something in us keeps saying 'not this' or 'still beyond.'" I believe that God, indeed, has made it this way. In fact, here is an example in which we see God exercising His reason, as an assistant to His love and a help to our faith and knowledge of Him. God created us for Himself, and in His love, created us with a yearning for Him. In realizing that that yearning can never be completely satisfied by any thing or person on this earth, it helps our faith in concluding that God must be the satisfier of this deep ache. Not always do people conclude this, but it can be known.

There is a German word, Sehnsucht, which Platinga Jr. also speaks of, and it is used to strongly describe our seeking or searching as humans. C.S. Lewis wrote about what is happening when we experience it: "We are seeking union with something from which we are separated." Therefore, in that separation, we look to something or someone that will make us feel connected to them, and we still know that we are separated…from something. We long to feel whole because we are missing a part, and we ache to feel full because we are never truly satisfied. Yet this is not a bad thing, for it keeps us in anticipation of what God has to offer, whether we realize it or not. And those things here on earth, which will pass away, are not bad either. God has actually blessed us with tastes of Himself, to be found in the beauty of a nostalgic green field or a healthy and love-filled relationship. He has shown us His absolutes in natural laws and revelations. Even as He has created man in His Image, so has He placed in man the communal and relational nature of His own Triune Self. For example, when we long for a union with another that may be what we acquire (and certainly are happy to). However, what comes through that union is what we are really looking for. We are deeply searching for the perfect union that lies behind it—that lies in the meaning of union, in the essence of union, in the union with God.

Knowing that we could not be satisfied until the "not this" and the "still beyond" becomes the "this" and "here" in Heaven, God does provide avenues through which His beauty and glory may be seen for now. Hope is what comes of this—a hope for the day when what our yearnings are pointing us toward will actually be completely realized for our souls. We are nostalgia-embracing creatures, to be sure, but we are that in order to keep the hope alive that perhaps it is possible to "climb back into" what our hearts deeply feel has been lost. Someday I believe we will. It is God's beauty behind those things and people that makes us long for them (maybe again). It is the beauty of their original design and purpose that we so long to see restored. At times, we look in the wrong places, but not necessarily for the wrong reasons.

...If a person existed that didn't long for anything or anyone, I would disagree that he or she was perfectly normal...

I would also doubt that they were telling the truth. For, there is a taste of God's beauty even in this phenomenon of human longing and the "sense of divinity" that our Creator has gifted us with. Paul provides a profound description of how God helps us yearn for His beauty when he writes, "But God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of man except the man's spirit within him? We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us." –1 Corinthians 2:10-11a, 12

My Christmas List

I told my mom I didn't need anything for Christmas this year. But she still wants me to make a Christmas list. "I'm your mom, I'm gonna get you a few presents for Christmas no matter what you say!" Ok mom. (I love my mom. AND she has a point. I'd want to give good gifts to my children too...I think God says He likes to do that...)

So I'm making a list for her...
Other people have inquired also. For their sakes, here it is:

1)coffee or jamba juice gift card
2)a date to the movies
3)a good book
4)Schindler's List
5)"To Write Love on Her Arms" shirt
6)a pair of Tom's Shoes
7)a mixed CD
8)a card

That's all.

Someone stop me...

...from listening to songs that make me think so much. I was listening to Derek Webb the other day (if you don't listen to Derek Webb, you should--he'll challenge you--it'll probably be good for you).

Mockingbird. So good.

This line in particular has me glued... I keep pressing "back" on my iTunes... I keep hitting the left "seek" button on my car stereo face... just so I can get to this line again...

"There are times that I believe I’m satisfied
like an intimate connection
despite this bad reception with you."


...mmm, so true. In fact, I'm pretty sure there have been more than just "times" for me... I'm pretty sure it's been...uh...my WHOLE LIFE. Sure, God and I still have a relationship--we have always had a relationship. That "intimate connection" has been there for quite a while. But the "bad reception"... that's been there too. I try to make it good enough... I try to convince myself that this is "just the way things are for me." As if God doesn't want me to hear Him more...

I can be so complacent. SO satisfied with the "low service areas" of mine and God's chats. Sometimes I drive into those tunnels on purpose... (if I can't make out what He's saying, I'm not accountable to it, right?)

And then sometimes I just pretend. I crinkle a little wrapper in front of my little cowardly mouth to make it sound like..."What was that God? Oh... oh no... You're.. yep, you're breaking up! Uh, sorry, we'll just have to finish this conversation later! Bye!" Click. Off to my life.

(I know, my analogy is dumb... heck, it's what came to mind when I started thinking about "bad reception" though. Welcome to my thought world.)

But me and God--yeah, we're working through stuff. The reception may be bad... and it's probably my fault. But for whatever reason, God is patient with me. He calls back. We have an intimate connection, God and I. We just... I just... it's just... not as satisfactory as I always let myself believe.

Folks, don't settle for bad reception. Switch to verizon.
That's all.

(You can figure out the verizon analogy yourself.)


Peace-

My magical flippy calendar

My flippy calendar... is magic I think. Or, it is ordained by the Lord.

Today... is December 2nd. So in my flippy calendar, I turned to "December 2" (Go to college. It pays off).

Something you should know about today is that I had coffee with Sarah, and I told her about how I think God is teaching me to receive HIM however He comes to me. He's been trumping my common sense and showing me (or trying to show me) things about Himself that are more real than what I've been recognizing. He is teaching me about foolishness and wisdom...about MY foolishness and HIS wisdom.

So today... what my flippy calendar says has to do with the ways that He comes...the forms that He's taken.
And instead of trying to make sure everything makes sense to me, He is teaching me to just receive...

"Advent is also meant...to refresh us and make us healthy, to be able to receive Christ in whatever form He may come to us."
-Mother Teresa

Advent...the hope, the peace, the joy, the love...the anticipation of His coming.

December 2nd. A gingerbread latte and a comfy chair. Mother Teresa's thoughts on Advent. Hope, peace, joy, love. Anticipation. Come Jesus... however YOU know we need, whatever form You choose.

40 billion...

Finally got back to the gym this morning... it's been a while... I was in a really good mood. Then, I looked up from the elliptical, expecting to see the weather forecast, or something about a new tickle-me elmo for holiday shopping updates. Well, I got the holiday shopping update (nothing about elmo--my niece will be so sad)... apparently U.S. Americans have spent 40 billion dollars in the last two days of promoted Christmas shopping. Made me a little sick, I won't lie. Normally, I don't pay much attention to numbers...

...but our school had to go and show this video in chapel a week ago:


Now, that two days--40 billion dollars worth--of holiday spending means not giving clean water to everyone who needs it 4 times over...

...but this is just the world we live in, right?

Well, this year, I think I'm going to be a little change in that.
I realize this may be a bit unpatriotic of me (I pay attention in cultural anthropology class) ...but this year, I think I'm going to enter the story.
Care to join?